Ilona Goanos: I am happy, very blessed, that you got out SAFE.
At the same time -- I am H-O-R-R-I-F-I-E-D that you NEEDED TO.
My God.
You are a person of vital intellect, core integrity, compassion and goodness, and deep feeling.
From your writing, the pictures, the little hints of voice recording, you are a DELIGHTFUL, WONDERFUL person, a joy and blessing to be around.
I cannot conceive, and I detest that a situation presented itself that you had to safely escape, with at the same time, deep thankfulness that you LEFT S-A-F-E-L-Y.
Thank God.
The 2017 story is sorrowful and very painful.
Most urban areas have women shelters, where a woman and her kids can stay safely, anonymously, away and INACCESSIBLE to the brute she has left.
For example, Georgia (a safely RED state!!!!), apparently there are 66 safety shelters to escape from abuse:
Even if Georgia is not the reader's home state, that web site contains vital information that would help her research resources in her own home state.
Every person has deep value as one who thinks, feels, and can empathize with others, and she deserves safety, food and shelter, adequate health care, a living wage and fringes, and a decent retirement.
Every woman deserves independence.
My wife, whom I have loved 54 years, and been married to 52 years, is independent in all ways. That makes Nancy the radiant and beautiful woman she is. Nancy's independence nurtures and benefits our marital relationship immeasurably. Nancy will "tear down the town" in joyful meetings with her girlfriends. Nancy has volunteer work that opens her to other people.
A woman's love relationships should satisfy a human being's need for nurturing and love, and should give her immense free space to be her own independent person.
I don't know how much danger I was in, except that my husband was very angry at the time. I don't think I would have been physically hurt, but damn I was scared! There really is no one to turn to in these situations, unless you have a close friend to lean on. I did have a couple but they could only do so much. I'm thankful I made it to the other side, and as this case demonstrates, many are not so lucky.
Ilona Goanos: No woman (no person, really) should ever, not ever face danger with loved ones.
What a terrible, terrible disease.
I sorrow that someone so very good and worthwhile like you had undergone this.
That is a sick perversion of what marital love can be.
I hope the women's shelters can keep abused women safe. Your situation seems to create doubt about that. One of my successes, which won a friendship forever, was the case of a wonderful woman who needed safety and escape from a sick stalker. That was on the Gulf Coast, an hour east of New Orleans, and the head of the woman's shelter was, like me, a member of the Arizona Bar; had herself just come from Tucson; and who was just then the new head of the Gulf Coast Women's Center, created for just such purposes.
The Head of the Gulf Coast Women's Center did a wonderful job, and with much work the young woman was freed from danger.
The violence and anger are imminent. But I believe, or at least hope, these Centers can be available on emergency basis for short- and long-term rescue.
I think the Centers are the best institution we have for this purpose, because they also provide shelter for the woman and children and keep the abuser away.
I am very, very sorrowful that YOU -- who are so good and worthwhile a person -- went through this, and I am PROUD that you were so brave and have been able to form a healthy, whole life.
Thanks, Niki. I think once you've been subjected to psychological abuse, you can't unsee it. Acknowledging it is happening to a friend could save a life.
Even if the person's life isn't threatened, emotional abuse can damage a person every day. I have a list called "Basic Emotional Rights in a Relationship" I copied (by hand) out of some book. It's sitting here beside me now. I review it from time to time, and also share it with some very intelligent, talented, successful women friends whose husbands like to put them down in front of other people, for starters, and undermine in other ways too.
I like that you kept a copy and reviewed it. As women, we are subjected to denigration from society, and it's easy to get used to it and think it's nothing. But it's not nothing.
Ilona....this story breaks my heart. It brought back memories of that in between time for me...deciding to get out and pretending things were normal...applying for credit cards in my own name, stashing any extra cash from grocery shopping, getting extra keys made, figuring out where we would go, the feeling of fear in my stomach whenever my ex husband would get angry. It's horrible. I wasn't an immigrant but they DO need support and protection...not what this ugly and evil administration is doing to them.
Linda, it wasn't until I wrote this article that I appreciated what I went through when deciding to leave. My ex-husband wasn't violent, but It was still a scary time because I didn't know how he would try to sabotage me. I hadn't thought about it in depth except as it pertained to Anna, who didn't make it through. Thank you for the restack, dear friend.
I'm very happy that justice, although delayed, is being served. Nothing will bring Anna back, and putting her killer in jail will cause hardship for their son, but, still, this is the right thing. Allen had eight years to walk around free while Anna's body is decomposing somewhere. I'm thrilled that the PA State Police never gave up. Tales of spousal abuse, especially against women, are far too common in our society. Anyway, thanks for publicizing this, another excellent post from you!
His son has already been irreparably harmed because he has no mother. When his father is convicted, it will be yet another wound. I wish for him to get past this when he grows up and live a happy life despite everything that happened.
Powerful piece, Ilona. Thank you for sharing it. I'm sorry you experienced emotional abuse and coercive control in your previous marriage and had to do all that research on your own, as Anna did, due to fear. We all need to keep our eyes and hearts and even homes available, and to support community groups that provide outreach and safety.
Thank you, Kirie. No one ever talked about this stuff back then, and still even now. Talking about Anna's story and how it went so terribly wrong is an educational tool for women who read this.
Thank you for sharing. May her friends and family be able to begin the healing process. Immigrants are especially vulnerable to these dangerous situations.
Agreed! Her poor parents were hoping for the best and that Anna and her son would perhaps visit them in Poland. Anna wanted her son to get dual citizenship, which was a point of contention with her husband.
He was worried she'd take him out of the country and he wouldn't have access to his son. She had been talking about divorce already so he was on alert.
Substack needs another icon other than a heart. Maybe "appreciate"? I have chills running down my spine reading this. The story is all too familiar. I have not known anyone who was physically abused in a marriage. But I HAVE witnessed psychological abuse too many times. It is under-reported and too often ignored as "he's a jerk" or "that's just the way their marriage is". Bullshit.
I'm glad you wrote this. And we are all glad you escaped your own situation and landed so gracefully! I'm restacking.
I agree that the heart icon doesn't do the situation justice. The psychological abuse is not reported because it's not considered as bad as physical harm. Here is an example of how dangerous this kind of abuse is.
This is heartbreaking. I’m glad they finally were able to arrest him. I’m sorry you had to live a similar life but glad you got out. Thank you for sharing Anna’s story.
Thank you, Maureen. I don't think I appreciated that period in between and what I went through, and many, many other women go through when they decide to leave. For Anna, this liminal period was fatal.
Ilona Goanos: I am happy, very blessed, that you got out SAFE.
At the same time -- I am H-O-R-R-I-F-I-E-D that you NEEDED TO.
My God.
You are a person of vital intellect, core integrity, compassion and goodness, and deep feeling.
From your writing, the pictures, the little hints of voice recording, you are a DELIGHTFUL, WONDERFUL person, a joy and blessing to be around.
I cannot conceive, and I detest that a situation presented itself that you had to safely escape, with at the same time, deep thankfulness that you LEFT S-A-F-E-L-Y.
Thank God.
The 2017 story is sorrowful and very painful.
Most urban areas have women shelters, where a woman and her kids can stay safely, anonymously, away and INACCESSIBLE to the brute she has left.
For example, Georgia (a safely RED state!!!!), apparently there are 66 safety shelters to escape from abuse:
https://www.domesticshelters.org/help/ga
Even if Georgia is not the reader's home state, that web site contains vital information that would help her research resources in her own home state.
Every person has deep value as one who thinks, feels, and can empathize with others, and she deserves safety, food and shelter, adequate health care, a living wage and fringes, and a decent retirement.
Every woman deserves independence.
My wife, whom I have loved 54 years, and been married to 52 years, is independent in all ways. That makes Nancy the radiant and beautiful woman she is. Nancy's independence nurtures and benefits our marital relationship immeasurably. Nancy will "tear down the town" in joyful meetings with her girlfriends. Nancy has volunteer work that opens her to other people.
A woman's love relationships should satisfy a human being's need for nurturing and love, and should give her immense free space to be her own independent person.
I don't know how much danger I was in, except that my husband was very angry at the time. I don't think I would have been physically hurt, but damn I was scared! There really is no one to turn to in these situations, unless you have a close friend to lean on. I did have a couple but they could only do so much. I'm thankful I made it to the other side, and as this case demonstrates, many are not so lucky.
Ilona Goanos: No woman (no person, really) should ever, not ever face danger with loved ones.
What a terrible, terrible disease.
I sorrow that someone so very good and worthwhile like you had undergone this.
That is a sick perversion of what marital love can be.
I hope the women's shelters can keep abused women safe. Your situation seems to create doubt about that. One of my successes, which won a friendship forever, was the case of a wonderful woman who needed safety and escape from a sick stalker. That was on the Gulf Coast, an hour east of New Orleans, and the head of the woman's shelter was, like me, a member of the Arizona Bar; had herself just come from Tucson; and who was just then the new head of the Gulf Coast Women's Center, created for just such purposes.
The Head of the Gulf Coast Women's Center did a wonderful job, and with much work the young woman was freed from danger.
The violence and anger are imminent. But I believe, or at least hope, these Centers can be available on emergency basis for short- and long-term rescue.
I think the Centers are the best institution we have for this purpose, because they also provide shelter for the woman and children and keep the abuser away.
I am very, very sorrowful that YOU -- who are so good and worthwhile a person -- went through this, and I am PROUD that you were so brave and have been able to form a healthy, whole life.
Thank you for writing this and suggesting ways we can help others, Ilona
Thanks, Niki. I think once you've been subjected to psychological abuse, you can't unsee it. Acknowledging it is happening to a friend could save a life.
Even if the person's life isn't threatened, emotional abuse can damage a person every day. I have a list called "Basic Emotional Rights in a Relationship" I copied (by hand) out of some book. It's sitting here beside me now. I review it from time to time, and also share it with some very intelligent, talented, successful women friends whose husbands like to put them down in front of other people, for starters, and undermine in other ways too.
I like that you kept a copy and reviewed it. As women, we are subjected to denigration from society, and it's easy to get used to it and think it's nothing. But it's not nothing.
Ilona....this story breaks my heart. It brought back memories of that in between time for me...deciding to get out and pretending things were normal...applying for credit cards in my own name, stashing any extra cash from grocery shopping, getting extra keys made, figuring out where we would go, the feeling of fear in my stomach whenever my ex husband would get angry. It's horrible. I wasn't an immigrant but they DO need support and protection...not what this ugly and evil administration is doing to them.
Linda, it wasn't until I wrote this article that I appreciated what I went through when deciding to leave. My ex-husband wasn't violent, but It was still a scary time because I didn't know how he would try to sabotage me. I hadn't thought about it in depth except as it pertained to Anna, who didn't make it through. Thank you for the restack, dear friend.
Ilona, thank you for sharing this horrific story, shedding light on it, and giving us glimpses into your story.
Fingers crossed that he gets put away for a very long time.
I'm very happy that justice, although delayed, is being served. Nothing will bring Anna back, and putting her killer in jail will cause hardship for their son, but, still, this is the right thing. Allen had eight years to walk around free while Anna's body is decomposing somewhere. I'm thrilled that the PA State Police never gave up. Tales of spousal abuse, especially against women, are far too common in our society. Anyway, thanks for publicizing this, another excellent post from you!
His son has already been irreparably harmed because he has no mother. When his father is convicted, it will be yet another wound. I wish for him to get past this when he grows up and live a happy life despite everything that happened.
Powerful piece, Ilona. Thank you for sharing it. I'm sorry you experienced emotional abuse and coercive control in your previous marriage and had to do all that research on your own, as Anna did, due to fear. We all need to keep our eyes and hearts and even homes available, and to support community groups that provide outreach and safety.
Thank you, Kirie. No one ever talked about this stuff back then, and still even now. Talking about Anna's story and how it went so terribly wrong is an educational tool for women who read this.
way too many people are living in violent households...thanks for raising awareness
Yes, it's important for women in particular to be on alert and to never think it can't happen to them.
Thank you for sharing. May her friends and family be able to begin the healing process. Immigrants are especially vulnerable to these dangerous situations.
Agreed! Her poor parents were hoping for the best and that Anna and her son would perhaps visit them in Poland. Anna wanted her son to get dual citizenship, which was a point of contention with her husband.
That makes zero sense! Why on earth would her husband have such an issue with their son having dual citizenship?
He was worried she'd take him out of the country and he wouldn't have access to his son. She had been talking about divorce already so he was on alert.
Substack needs another icon other than a heart. Maybe "appreciate"? I have chills running down my spine reading this. The story is all too familiar. I have not known anyone who was physically abused in a marriage. But I HAVE witnessed psychological abuse too many times. It is under-reported and too often ignored as "he's a jerk" or "that's just the way their marriage is". Bullshit.
I'm glad you wrote this. And we are all glad you escaped your own situation and landed so gracefully! I'm restacking.
I agree that the heart icon doesn't do the situation justice. The psychological abuse is not reported because it's not considered as bad as physical harm. Here is an example of how dangerous this kind of abuse is.
Thank you for sharing this important story.
You're welcome, Barbara. Thank you for reading!
This is heartbreaking. I’m glad they finally were able to arrest him. I’m sorry you had to live a similar life but glad you got out. Thank you for sharing Anna’s story.
Thank you, Maureen. I don't think I appreciated that period in between and what I went through, and many, many other women go through when they decide to leave. For Anna, this liminal period was fatal.