I have very kind family and friends who drive pick-up trucks for various reasons. That being said, I, too, have come to anticipate aggression from pick-up truck drivers. Why? Because it's happened so many times that to ignore the impulse would be folly these days.
But on the topic of road rage, my experiences are not limited to pick up trucks. I think the agitation in our society is pouring onto the road via all kinds of vehicles, for a variety of reasons, most of them fueled by fear and anger.
Thank you for your posts, Ilona. Always thought provoking for me.
I agree it's more than pickup trucks. I think the size of the vehicle exacerbates the issue. I agree that it's happening so often now that it's a thing that should be named. I bet law enforcement is very familiar with this phenomenon.
Yes, Ilona, this: It's about learning to stop taking on the emotional burdens of others and reclaiming the space we deserve to exist unapologetically. Thanks for the reminder.
It's a tough habit to break, Trish, since it arises automatically. Being conscious of it is the first step, and I am confident that I am on the road to recovery after 62 years.
I totally get the conditioning to make sure that others aren’t upset. Thanks for reminding us to notice that - whether it comes from truck drivers or individuals we know well.
I think it's called the fawn response in psychology. All I know is I give up a piece of myself when I bend over backwards to make sure someone else is ok. I am sending you a note for your address, if you would like me to send you the cream.
So many thoughts! And also sad to be commenter number four (LOL - although the hand cream sounds divine I have a toiletries hoarding problem). Full confession: since last October we've been happy owners of a Honda Ridgeline pickup truck (it's MID sized!!). It is extremely useful for lugging things around like furniture and kayaks and we love it and drive it like the oldish folks we are. I do know exactly what you are talking about with big aggressive trucks. To me it's reminiscent of the early Al-Queda footage of men hanging off a pickup with flags ablazing. Now it's American flags (as seen in your picture), but the same violent energy. I fear it will get worse before it gets better. As far as apologizing goes, I found myself apologizing to an inanimate object that I tripped over the other day. I didn't start apologizing until I had kids, and maybe I need to meditate on that one for a few months. When I was younger and living in NYC I was a badass. Love your writing!
I see you, regular non-aggressive PU truck drivers! I know that you exist, but the number of times I've seen the other kind of behavior has contaminated my nervous system to almost always assume the worst of the driver. I would apologize, but then I'd be doing what I don't want to do....🤣 I'll let you try my jar of the cream next time I see you.
I think it has more to do entitlement. These rude, oversized big mouthed drivers now have leadership role models giving bad behavior a pass. The rest of us , who understand and respect the rule of law and fellow neighbors, picking up the emotional and physical baggage.
Yes, we are the cleanup crew for these terrible policies and the emboldening of a segment of society that thinks it has been ignored for too long. It's a way bigger problem than just the tyranny on the roads.
Yes, as you say, the lesson isn't about avoiding the trucks but learning to stop taking on the emotional burdens of others. With meditation, I've become less reactive immediately and that takes work. I also try to remember that we don't really know what others are going through and the aggression towards you/us might not be about the situation but something else altogether.
Thanks for sharing these uncomfortable situations, Ilona. I appreciate how you're able to step back and see them from a higher perspective.
Yes, I find that generally when I see a pickup truck barreling down the road, my mind screams, "MAGA alert." Also, in the next moment, "Uh oh, get out of the way."
While I have felt that way for several years, that internal response and dialogue now seem more common. About three years ago, my husband and I had the most unsettling experience with a white male around our age driving a humongous pickup, wearing a MAGA hat, in line at a car wash—of all places. I had to talk my husband down from his instinct to escalate the situation.
So, yes, I see myself in your story and assessment, Ilona, of being hyper-aware of my surroundings, the mediator, and the one-woman cleanup crew for men's misplaced anger.
If my husband were there, well that would have been a whole different ball of wax. He usually answers aggression with equal force, especially when driving in NYC.
I hope men reading understand how many more layers there are for women who are involved with altercations on the road. Thanks for the restack, Paulette!
I know, Sheila. Looking back, it was a risky move as a white woman, even more so if I were a person of color. I sent you an email requesting your address.
Your Wendy's drive-through story was gold, truly. The audacity of that guy! "How long have you been driving?" I almost choked on my coffee. It reminded me of a time I accidentally merged a little too abruptly, and the driver behind me, in what looked like a monster truck pretending to be a Toyota, literally laid on his horn for a full minute straight, as if I had personally insulted his lineage. I just wanted to get my groceries!
It's baffling how quickly some people escalate a minor inconvenience into a personal vendetta. Your inner monologue of wanting to say, "GO FUCK YOURSELF, BUDDY," resonated deeply. Sometimes, the most frustrating part isn't the incident itself, but the internal battle to maintain composure and not stoop to their level, all while part of you is screaming for justice (or at least a really good comeback).
It's ok, Dr. A. I forgive the nice people in trucks, but that doesn't mean my nervous system isn't going to react at the sight of one. You hit the nail on the head about the internal battle of trying not to stoop to their low level and also to shut him up by any means! Just another day in America.
Ilona, stuff like this happens all the time here in my rural corner of the Pacific Northwest. The pick-ups have air horns or something, and they like to come up from behind, pass too closely on dangerous corners, and then blast the horns. I drive a tiny Honda Civic hybrid. During the election it got worse. The one I'll never forget was the world's largest red-painted mega-pick up that took over the tiny parking lot in our locally-owned hardware store. It had Trump actually painted on the sides, professionally it looked like. Then the driver got out and swaggered across the parking lot he'd just blocked. I will say this: on a whim I once bought a pick-up truck. For the first time in my life living in this same area, rather than run me down or pull out in front of me, cars and trucks got out of my way. If it hadn't been a gas guzzler, I'd still have it.
Great post Ilona. It made me stop to think about how I deal with this … It’s frightening how many right-wing aggressive drivers are in evidence on the highway. I say right wing, because yes - most times there is evidence ( the flags, the bumper stickers, the hats, and the rudeness.) the huge pickup trucks are the worst. (And loudest. ) I find myself actively doing everything I can to avoid being in their vicinity- changing lanes, slowing down. It makes me incredibly sad. Basically I just want to hide.
Yes to every word of this piece. You articulate exactly what we as women are conditioned to do. Ironic that you just showed up in my feed: This is what I saw when I returned to my car after a doctor’s appointment today. My car is the one on the right. I have a “Make Orwell Fiction Again” magnet on my car. Check out the American flag/Eagle sticker with the crossed guns. I’d like to think this was ordinary obliviousness, but…
PS I had to squeeze in on the passenger side and climb over the console to leave.
Unfortunately, I'm unable to view the photo in my comments, but I have a great visual from your description. Love your bumper sticker, though! Stay safe, Paula.
I forgot Substack doesn’t support photos in replies (it showed when I wrote it). It was a Dodge Ram 2500 quad cab with a cap, and he parked inches from the driver’s side. I doubted these fuckers even knew who Orwell was, but I also have an ACLU sticker in my driver’s side back window.
There certainly seems to be more big trucks rolling down the streets and acting all aggressive with flags, gun racks in the windows and supposed tough guys manning the wheel. The ones that rev up their engines at stop lights and when they take off are the worst. Intimidation at its worst. But as with most insecure bullies, standing up to them is one way to knock them
down a peg or two. Good for you and keep working on the desire to apologize when it’s not your fault. I, too, have to keep working at that strange behavior.
First, I agree with you about the prevalence and symbolism of those big, honking pick up trucks on our roads. They are indeed noisy, dirty phallic extensions of their drivers’ twisted egos. This includes the scary women who drive them; penis envy at its most virulent. I understand the need for these vehicles among people who use them for business and have no problem with that. But like guns, pickup trucks are potent potential weapons in the hands of bad actors. Add to that, the uncertainty of whether these bad actors are packing fire power. Many years ago when I lived in Los Angeles, I had to travel the freeways quite often in bumper to bumper traffic. Road rage was at that time an occasional phenomenon that found its expression in honking or shouting at those appearing to deserve it. It did not feel as dangerous then as it does today to express one’s frustration in such situations among the growing miasma of criminal behavior and untreated mental illness invading us. That said, I must commend your behavior towards the little man who threatened you. You are fortunate to have stature on your side yet, emotional janitorial work is really a euphemism for self-defense. Stay strong.
Thanks, Ilene. Road rage was a lot less frequent back in the day. I have not seen a single female PU driver, but you and another commenter have mentioned seeing them. I have seen the viral videos of rude ladies on airplanes, as well as one lady who did something disgusting on the hood of a car. Regardless, I'm just so so so weary of the dysregulated people who cohabit our country. I hope I'm around for when the tide turns.
I think there are a couple of different kind of pickup truck drivers. Those that use them for practical reasons- for instance, I come from a family of firefighters and all the men have pickups to carry their fire gear. And those who regularly haul things in the beds of their trucks. And then… the ones you describe. The power crazy people (not all men) who need to show control. It can be worse regionally too, as mentioned by some of your commenters. My brother lived in Michigan for a few years. So many pickup trucks. He’s back home now and commented on the difference. I have to head through New Jersey next week. I’ll keep my eyes out for them.
Please exercise caution when driving in New Jersey, especially during this time of year. I remember how much different the roads felt here as opposed to those in Pennsylvania. There are also a lot of NY'ers driving to the shore, and they don't abide by the painted lines in the road.
I know friendly PU drivers, too, but my nervous system is automatically on alert now whenever I see one.
After living in urban and suburban areas my entire life, I have been living in rural Michigan for nine years (I am closing in on 60). Everything has been a cultural shock, some good, most has been bad. One of the few redeeming things is Lake Huron is my front yard. My little BMW SUV is constantly being boxed in or tailgated by enormous trucks-many with gun racks and the confederate flag whipping behind it. It both sickens and terrifies me. All that races through my mind is the absolute knowledge that some malevolent evil person (yes there are woman as well) driving that fucking truck that proclaims that the driver does not care about their fellow human and would most likely harm me. Yes, my husband and I are planning to move, leaving behind what we thought was our dream retirement home. Damn those assholes.
They do seem proud of themselves, sitting up physically high with their semi-automatics. That is one of the only spaces where they are indeed powerful. I'm sorry you feel compelled to move from your happy place. I hope your next home generates more peace and happiness, Claire.
I have very kind family and friends who drive pick-up trucks for various reasons. That being said, I, too, have come to anticipate aggression from pick-up truck drivers. Why? Because it's happened so many times that to ignore the impulse would be folly these days.
But on the topic of road rage, my experiences are not limited to pick up trucks. I think the agitation in our society is pouring onto the road via all kinds of vehicles, for a variety of reasons, most of them fueled by fear and anger.
Thank you for your posts, Ilona. Always thought provoking for me.
I agree it's more than pickup trucks. I think the size of the vehicle exacerbates the issue. I agree that it's happening so often now that it's a thing that should be named. I bet law enforcement is very familiar with this phenomenon.
Yes, Ilona, this: It's about learning to stop taking on the emotional burdens of others and reclaiming the space we deserve to exist unapologetically. Thanks for the reminder.
It's a tough habit to break, Trish, since it arises automatically. Being conscious of it is the first step, and I am confident that I am on the road to recovery after 62 years.
I totally get the conditioning to make sure that others aren’t upset. Thanks for reminding us to notice that - whether it comes from truck drivers or individuals we know well.
I think it's called the fawn response in psychology. All I know is I give up a piece of myself when I bend over backwards to make sure someone else is ok. I am sending you a note for your address, if you would like me to send you the cream.
So many thoughts! And also sad to be commenter number four (LOL - although the hand cream sounds divine I have a toiletries hoarding problem). Full confession: since last October we've been happy owners of a Honda Ridgeline pickup truck (it's MID sized!!). It is extremely useful for lugging things around like furniture and kayaks and we love it and drive it like the oldish folks we are. I do know exactly what you are talking about with big aggressive trucks. To me it's reminiscent of the early Al-Queda footage of men hanging off a pickup with flags ablazing. Now it's American flags (as seen in your picture), but the same violent energy. I fear it will get worse before it gets better. As far as apologizing goes, I found myself apologizing to an inanimate object that I tripped over the other day. I didn't start apologizing until I had kids, and maybe I need to meditate on that one for a few months. When I was younger and living in NYC I was a badass. Love your writing!
I see you, regular non-aggressive PU truck drivers! I know that you exist, but the number of times I've seen the other kind of behavior has contaminated my nervous system to almost always assume the worst of the driver. I would apologize, but then I'd be doing what I don't want to do....🤣 I'll let you try my jar of the cream next time I see you.
I think it has more to do entitlement. These rude, oversized big mouthed drivers now have leadership role models giving bad behavior a pass. The rest of us , who understand and respect the rule of law and fellow neighbors, picking up the emotional and physical baggage.
Yes, we are the cleanup crew for these terrible policies and the emboldening of a segment of society that thinks it has been ignored for too long. It's a way bigger problem than just the tyranny on the roads.
Yes, as you say, the lesson isn't about avoiding the trucks but learning to stop taking on the emotional burdens of others. With meditation, I've become less reactive immediately and that takes work. I also try to remember that we don't really know what others are going through and the aggression towards you/us might not be about the situation but something else altogether.
Hooray for yoga, and yes, meditation helps. Thanks for putting the compassionate spin on behalf of the road ragers.
Thanks for sharing these uncomfortable situations, Ilona. I appreciate how you're able to step back and see them from a higher perspective.
Yes, I find that generally when I see a pickup truck barreling down the road, my mind screams, "MAGA alert." Also, in the next moment, "Uh oh, get out of the way."
While I have felt that way for several years, that internal response and dialogue now seem more common. About three years ago, my husband and I had the most unsettling experience with a white male around our age driving a humongous pickup, wearing a MAGA hat, in line at a car wash—of all places. I had to talk my husband down from his instinct to escalate the situation.
So, yes, I see myself in your story and assessment, Ilona, of being hyper-aware of my surroundings, the mediator, and the one-woman cleanup crew for men's misplaced anger.
If my husband were there, well that would have been a whole different ball of wax. He usually answers aggression with equal force, especially when driving in NYC.
I hope men reading understand how many more layers there are for women who are involved with altercations on the road. Thanks for the restack, Paulette!
Yes, so so many layers!
Imagine if you were not white and these things had happened- I wonder if things would have evolved any differently?
I know, Sheila. Looking back, it was a risky move as a white woman, even more so if I were a person of color. I sent you an email requesting your address.
Your Wendy's drive-through story was gold, truly. The audacity of that guy! "How long have you been driving?" I almost choked on my coffee. It reminded me of a time I accidentally merged a little too abruptly, and the driver behind me, in what looked like a monster truck pretending to be a Toyota, literally laid on his horn for a full minute straight, as if I had personally insulted his lineage. I just wanted to get my groceries!
It's baffling how quickly some people escalate a minor inconvenience into a personal vendetta. Your inner monologue of wanting to say, "GO FUCK YOURSELF, BUDDY," resonated deeply. Sometimes, the most frustrating part isn't the incident itself, but the internal battle to maintain composure and not stoop to their level, all while part of you is screaming for justice (or at least a really good comeback).
Sadly, I also drive a big truck. Sigh....
It's ok, Dr. A. I forgive the nice people in trucks, but that doesn't mean my nervous system isn't going to react at the sight of one. You hit the nail on the head about the internal battle of trying not to stoop to their low level and also to shut him up by any means! Just another day in America.
Ilona, stuff like this happens all the time here in my rural corner of the Pacific Northwest. The pick-ups have air horns or something, and they like to come up from behind, pass too closely on dangerous corners, and then blast the horns. I drive a tiny Honda Civic hybrid. During the election it got worse. The one I'll never forget was the world's largest red-painted mega-pick up that took over the tiny parking lot in our locally-owned hardware store. It had Trump actually painted on the sides, professionally it looked like. Then the driver got out and swaggered across the parking lot he'd just blocked. I will say this: on a whim I once bought a pick-up truck. For the first time in my life living in this same area, rather than run me down or pull out in front of me, cars and trucks got out of my way. If it hadn't been a gas guzzler, I'd still have it.
Wow. I could not have imagined it being so much worse elsewhere. Stay safe out there, Kirie. This will pass, too, but not for a while.
Great post Ilona. It made me stop to think about how I deal with this … It’s frightening how many right-wing aggressive drivers are in evidence on the highway. I say right wing, because yes - most times there is evidence ( the flags, the bumper stickers, the hats, and the rudeness.) the huge pickup trucks are the worst. (And loudest. ) I find myself actively doing everything I can to avoid being in their vicinity- changing lanes, slowing down. It makes me incredibly sad. Basically I just want to hide.
Yes, but unfortunately we can't hide every day. Such a sad predicament this country is in.
Yes to every word of this piece. You articulate exactly what we as women are conditioned to do. Ironic that you just showed up in my feed: This is what I saw when I returned to my car after a doctor’s appointment today. My car is the one on the right. I have a “Make Orwell Fiction Again” magnet on my car. Check out the American flag/Eagle sticker with the crossed guns. I’d like to think this was ordinary obliviousness, but…
PS I had to squeeze in on the passenger side and climb over the console to leave.
Unfortunately, I'm unable to view the photo in my comments, but I have a great visual from your description. Love your bumper sticker, though! Stay safe, Paula.
I forgot Substack doesn’t support photos in replies (it showed when I wrote it). It was a Dodge Ram 2500 quad cab with a cap, and he parked inches from the driver’s side. I doubted these fuckers even knew who Orwell was, but I also have an ACLU sticker in my driver’s side back window.
There certainly seems to be more big trucks rolling down the streets and acting all aggressive with flags, gun racks in the windows and supposed tough guys manning the wheel. The ones that rev up their engines at stop lights and when they take off are the worst. Intimidation at its worst. But as with most insecure bullies, standing up to them is one way to knock them
down a peg or two. Good for you and keep working on the desire to apologize when it’s not your fault. I, too, have to keep working at that strange behavior.
It is strange behavior for sure. I learned it a long long time ago, and it's taking a minute to unlearn. Keep up the good fight, Michelle!
Ilona,
First, I agree with you about the prevalence and symbolism of those big, honking pick up trucks on our roads. They are indeed noisy, dirty phallic extensions of their drivers’ twisted egos. This includes the scary women who drive them; penis envy at its most virulent. I understand the need for these vehicles among people who use them for business and have no problem with that. But like guns, pickup trucks are potent potential weapons in the hands of bad actors. Add to that, the uncertainty of whether these bad actors are packing fire power. Many years ago when I lived in Los Angeles, I had to travel the freeways quite often in bumper to bumper traffic. Road rage was at that time an occasional phenomenon that found its expression in honking or shouting at those appearing to deserve it. It did not feel as dangerous then as it does today to express one’s frustration in such situations among the growing miasma of criminal behavior and untreated mental illness invading us. That said, I must commend your behavior towards the little man who threatened you. You are fortunate to have stature on your side yet, emotional janitorial work is really a euphemism for self-defense. Stay strong.
Thanks, Ilene. Road rage was a lot less frequent back in the day. I have not seen a single female PU driver, but you and another commenter have mentioned seeing them. I have seen the viral videos of rude ladies on airplanes, as well as one lady who did something disgusting on the hood of a car. Regardless, I'm just so so so weary of the dysregulated people who cohabit our country. I hope I'm around for when the tide turns.
I think there are a couple of different kind of pickup truck drivers. Those that use them for practical reasons- for instance, I come from a family of firefighters and all the men have pickups to carry their fire gear. And those who regularly haul things in the beds of their trucks. And then… the ones you describe. The power crazy people (not all men) who need to show control. It can be worse regionally too, as mentioned by some of your commenters. My brother lived in Michigan for a few years. So many pickup trucks. He’s back home now and commented on the difference. I have to head through New Jersey next week. I’ll keep my eyes out for them.
Please exercise caution when driving in New Jersey, especially during this time of year. I remember how much different the roads felt here as opposed to those in Pennsylvania. There are also a lot of NY'ers driving to the shore, and they don't abide by the painted lines in the road.
I know friendly PU drivers, too, but my nervous system is automatically on alert now whenever I see one.
After living in urban and suburban areas my entire life, I have been living in rural Michigan for nine years (I am closing in on 60). Everything has been a cultural shock, some good, most has been bad. One of the few redeeming things is Lake Huron is my front yard. My little BMW SUV is constantly being boxed in or tailgated by enormous trucks-many with gun racks and the confederate flag whipping behind it. It both sickens and terrifies me. All that races through my mind is the absolute knowledge that some malevolent evil person (yes there are woman as well) driving that fucking truck that proclaims that the driver does not care about their fellow human and would most likely harm me. Yes, my husband and I are planning to move, leaving behind what we thought was our dream retirement home. Damn those assholes.
They do seem proud of themselves, sitting up physically high with their semi-automatics. That is one of the only spaces where they are indeed powerful. I'm sorry you feel compelled to move from your happy place. I hope your next home generates more peace and happiness, Claire.