Born That Way

You beautiful thing you.

People often make blanket statements like, “I’m not creative” or “I’m not assertive.”

Both of these statements are false.

Today I will remind you that you were born confident and bold. Without language, you were able to assert your needs as a baby.

I want milk.

I want to snuggle.

I want to sleep.

Assertive from Day 1.

Somewhere along the way, your assertiveness got lost. You became aware that this innate glorious quality was not always welcome. You may have been ignored, humiliated, or bullied when you asserted yourself.

Your needs and desires were scorned.

No one leaves childhood without negative feedback. That’s how you learn to interact with others effectively. You learn to bend to see another’s point of view.

You grow up and continue asserting, but you do so selectively.

At work, you’re careful. Assertiveness can be mistaken for aggressiveness.

These two words don’t mean the same thing. Let’s define, for clarity's sake:

assertive: disposed to or characterized by bold or confident statements and behavior

aggressive: ready or likely to attack or confront; characterized by or resulting from aggression.

See the difference there? One term is light and airy, while the other alienates and invokes fear.

Assertiveness in Relationships

A loved one's needs will likely collide with yours. They can do so powerfully, intentionally, and quite often disproportionately.

You feel like you’re powerless.

But you’re not.

Your assertiveness has been locked up because of your early lessons. It’s time to let it out.

You don’t need assertiveness training.

Reclaim who you already are and have always been. Return to your effective, confident, and unambiguous self. Assertiveness is the embodiment of these qualities.

How? By employing your magical words.

Words are spelled and they’re spells. Abracadabra, remember? No special vocabulary is required. In case you missed my post about the power of words, catch up here.

You already know all the words. You can be assertive by both your spoken and unspoken language. To reclaim your assertiveness, here are three actionable items:

• Use “I” statements. “I prefer to go out early.” “I like when you say thank you.” Avoid starting sentences with “You…” It feels aggressive to the person listening. I keeps the balance of power to yourself.

• Practice saying no. Don’t equivocate or over-explain. As my friend, Eileen emblazoned on her Zoom screensaver, “No is a complete sentence.” Use this powerful word with a pure intention.

• Appear confident. Confidence means looking at people in the eye. It also means no stammering, staring at the floor, or saying you don’t know. It’s normal to feel afraid when you come back to your assertive self. Dig deep and summon your courage.

Your assertiveness will result in either change in your loved one’s behavior or acceptance. You always have the power to choose.

Who do these qualities remind you of?

Clear...

Direct...

Bold...

Effective...

That sounds exactly like someone I know. YOU!

The small woman

Builds cages for everyone

She

Knows.

While the sage,

Who has to duck her head

When the moon is low,

Keeps dropping keys all night long

For the Beautiful

Rowdy

Prisoners

--Hafiz

Now here you go. Take your key, dear friend!

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