Good Reasons You're Having Trouble Finding New Friends as an Older Person

You're not alone.

Last week’s post was about why you need to keep old friends and make new ones. (In case you missed it, you can read it here.) Once you’re in your 50s, you're in a different phase of life with fewer opportunities to create friendships.

Combine that with the past two years of social distancing, you've got to be proactive in cultivating new friendships.

I had a week to think about it and realized there are even more obstacles to forming new friendships.

It’s no wonder we’re in a period of great loneliness.

Let's start with the elephant in the room--the political environment in the United States.

In the past seven years, politics has done a hatchet job on relationships with families and friends. It's a massive problem because we can no longer tolerate others' perspectives.

To keep friends with opposing views, you have two options: ignore it or face the topic head-on.

If you choose the latter, you will have to live with the possibility of losing the friendship or agreeing to disagree. I prefer not to lose friendships over something as volatile as American politics, but sometimes accepting another’s beliefs can feel like a bridge too far.

Besides politics, opportunities for friendship are evaporating because of how we live.

When I grew up in Philadelphia in the 1970s, everyone hung out on their front porches. Facing toward the street was great for people-watching, shouting friendly greetings, and discovering what your neighbors were up to.

But for the past forty years, builders have designed homes with backyard living spaces. People want privacy and a sanctuary to relax in. They don’t want to associate with nosy neighbors, so you have to wait to be invited to visit their backyard.

How we live as a society has shifted in another critical way.

Generations live separately.

Instead of multi-generation families living together and helping with household chores and babysitting, parents are on their own. That means the upkeep of a home and childcare falls primarily on one or two people. With all that responsibility, they have less free time, with work taking a huge chunk of time.

Without resources to keep our living spaces company-ready, people live like hermits. Since HGTV came into our lives, we don't want others to know our house isn't camera-ready. Somewhere along the way, an expectation of perfection sprouted.

Organized stylish homes imply we've got it together. When three generations lived in a house together, there was an excuse for a house to be messy and lived in. We thought it felt homey.

And yet there’s more still.

Technology is taking us away from face-to-face people loving time.

We’re too much on our phones, tablets, and computers. You already know this—I won’t dwell.

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I recently saw a movie called "Our Souls at Night," with Jane Fonda and Robert Redford. [Yes, I’m aware this post mentions Jane Fonda yet again. I am officially a fan girl since this is at least the third newsletter I've written about her.]

Netflix's "Our Souls at Night" supports the notion that you must be intentional with establishing friendships as you age. Jane Fonda’s character requests an arrangement with Robert Redford because she wants someone to sleep with her at night. She wants this because she feels that nights are too long and lonely. He says yes!

It’s a cute movie. You should check it out.

Another movie recommendation is “The Banshees of Inisherin” with Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson. This movie makes you question the quality of your friendships and whether some are worth giving up. These two gentlemen have been friends for decades until one decides the other is boring and wants to end the friendship.

Quirky, funny, and food for thought.

Life is short!

You're not alone if you're having trouble making friends right now. There are plenty of reasons. Don’t let them become excuses, though. To make a new friend, treat it like it’s your job.

Take a risk, make one friend, share a laugh, and keep going!