How Being Present Is Enough When Walking Besides Grieving Loved Ones
Learn to hold space for yourself so you can give this gift to others.
I dreaded going to our friend's son's memorial service last week even though I wanted to support them during the worst moment of their lives.
Standing with them was the best way to support them, and 500 of us did. I could not think of anything else to do that would help lessen the pain they were experiencing. Our friends come from a large family with a tremendous friend and work-colleague network. I was just one tiny fish in an ocean full of people who wanted to help.
What could little old me do to offer some relief? A fruit basket, a cooked meal, or a floral arrangement are traditional go-to's. I wasn't feeling any of them.
Ryan's father spoke at the eulogy. As if he knew what I was thinking, he said, "You've all wanted to help lessen the pain, and that simply can't be done."
Even in his pain, he was so generous in validating our feelings. I was relieved I was doing everything possible, even though that felt like I was doing nothing.
I like to solve problems, be active, and get things accomplished. Witnessing another's grief doesn't allow me to check any boxes.
I can only fix some things. I already learned this lesson when raising my children.
In this case, doing nothing requires effort, especially because staying present with someone else's grief is emotional-heavy-lifting. We have our own emotions, but theirs bear more weight.
It's as if the grief might swallow both of us up. Grief is uncomfortable and painful, and not everyone is in a place to join in.
A neighbor named Ellen lost her father and sister in a fire in her childhood home shortly before we met her and her family. She and her husband had built a new house with an in-law suite attached across the street from us. Ellen lived there with her husband, three sons, and mother.
A couple of years after we moved in, she lost one of her 7-year-old twin sons to a brain tumor. A few years after that, her mother and husband died from cancer.
Ellen received much support from her church, children's schools, friends, and neighbors, but none of us could save her from her sorrow. We could only do so much. Our collective grief kept growing.
How did Ellen and her sons go on living?
While I no longer reside in that neighborhood, my old neighbors tell me that Ellen lives solitary, with her property and house overgrown with weeds. It’s sad that there is so little to be done for her now.
Doing nothing amid someone else's suffering doesn't feel good. It feels like a cop-out. But sometimes, it's the only way. You can't walk someone else's path. You only have your own.
Perhaps we can look at 'doing nothing' more positively. We can change our outlook by holding space and witnessing other people's pain and suffering.
To know how to do that, you should start with yourself.
If you can hold space for yourself, you're on your way to being able to do that for others.
Holding space doesn't feel very active, but it does feel expansive.
My daily meditation gives me practice in holding space. Awareness of negative self-talk and what's bothering you is the first step. That's when we can get curious about our inner chatter and create a container for those feelings. Writing them down makes them concrete, which in turn, makes them more manageable.
Exercise to try:
Many of you think you can't do meditation, so let's call it "sitting with yourself."
After reading this, try this tiny exercise:
Sit quietly and watch your thoughts for one minute. If you're ambitious, add another minute or two to the timer.
Let your thoughts run free, and observe them without judging as good or bad.
Write everything down that you remember.
That’s it.
How did it go? Were you surprised by anything you thought? Let me know in the comments if you completed the exercise.
Here is my best-performing article that I published on Medium this week. It’s called “Why I Never Wanted My Dad to Die.” You can read it for free by clicking here.
Thank you for this post! " You can't walk someone's path for them, they must walk their own." True-er words have never been spoken.
Wow, I can't even imagine losing that many people within such a short amount of time. I don't think I could even function. When I sat for a minute, I thought about what I would do if I lost family members in a fire or to cancer, one after the next. Then, I thought that it is silly to think of because we don't know what we will do until we are faced with that situation. As I continue to get older, I know these things are coming. It's the inevitable. All we can do is keep living authentically while loving the ones around us. You are right, being present is enough sometimes. By the way, I love the newsletter name! :)