I can relate. At 45, I left a marriage of 22 years, with a sum total relationship of 27. My three teenaged sons had to decide which parent to live with and I had to live with being the one who broke our family.
Fourteen years later, I am happily married to my soulmate and my wusband found a woman who loves and accepts him as he is.
The timing is so similar - you at 45, me at 46. Both of us carrying that label: the one who broke the family. That's the part people don't talk about enough - how you have to be willing to be the "bad guy" to save your own life. Fourteen years out and happily married to your soulmate - that's hope. Thank you for this.
I went through an extremely painful year where my middle son did not speak to me. He was convinced I had been unfaithful.
A couple of years back, we had a ling walk and talk. He is married now and sees things differently. He talked about how angry he was and how now he sees how my relationship with my husband is good. How his dad and new wife are happy.
He understands that I made the right choice.
We do our children no favours by staying in a relationship that is not working.
Yes, it was a rough ride for a while, but when the children become adults, they see things differently. Thank you for the beautiful wishes, and I wish you the same 💕
I rarely talk about this but I was raised “the good Catholic girl”. Twelve years of Catholic school by devout Catholic parents. After 15 years to a husband who thought monogamy was me and one other woman on the side (there were many), I packed up my kids and left. My parents were so angry (till death do you part). I had no support and raised my kids by myself. But now as adults, they do not remember the hardships. They remember “camping” in the living room and eating on top of cardboard boxes because we had no furniture. We muddled through and my kids are now beautiful, strong, independent adults. As Patricia said, we do not do our children any favors by staying in a relationship that is not working.
Jan, this stopped me: your kids remember camping in the living room and eating on cardboard boxes - not as hardship, but as adventure. That's what you gave them. Not perfection, but resilience and love and a mother who chose herself and them over performing a marriage that was already broken. Beautiful, strong, independent adults don't come from staying in dysfunction - they come from watching a parent be brave enough to leave. Thank you for this.
Thank you for seeing this in a different light. I felt so inadequate at the time but in retrospect, I was strong. Others can interpret our story in a more positive way than the challenges we remember.
I felt completely inadequate at the time, too. I am working on the reframe to this day, and I hope my kids, now adults, will see it as something positive as they mature and face their own problems. I think they are there now, but a deeper understanding is born from their lived experiences.
So good, Ilona. It brought back memories of when I decided to leave my abusive husband, no matter what I thought God thought about it (or what I thought he was telling me to do). I was forty years old, and I was scared, but I knew I had to think for myself. Now I believe God would have been the first to approve, but that first step into thinking for myself was a big one. I'm so glad for you.
"No matter what I thought God thought about it" - yes. That's exactly it. Forty years old, scared, but knowing you had to think for yourself even if it meant defying what you believed God wanted. That's an act of profound courage. I love that you've come to believe God would have approved - but you're right, that first step into your own authority had to happen first. I'm so glad you got out. Thank you for sharing this.
Linda Hoenigsberg: Abuse of spouse or children is traumatic and a terrible crime. I love a beautiful cousin in our extended family whose biological father injured her at circa two-years-old for life in the head and arm, and she is lovable, and to this day, fifty years later, I am sorrowful and deeply angry at the bipolar biological father.
Each spouse, each child is entitled to tender love and nurture. That is a matter of right.
The other is a terrible, inhumane crime.
I am most sorrowful that you underwent this evil, and am happy that at 40 you were able ultimately to be free, as you deserve.
If I could UNWISH the abuse, I would. I wish you healing, love, happiness the days of your life.
What a bunch of strong, willed women @ilona, @linda, @patricia! I’m impressed by your awareness of shitty situations that were detrimental to your well being, and despite what God wants or the church or kids, you all made the decisions for yourselves which I’m sure was not easy! Sounds like all of you are better for it! Amen to joy!
All decisions since that time have been so much easier. Maybe it was because of that single decision, I don't know. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had stayed. I would always have wondered how my life could have been different.
What a deliciously poignant story, Ilona. Food for deep reflection on the many resistances of life.
A beautiful reminder that God, a word I have distaste for because of visions of a long scraggly, white bearded man in an ivory tower, wielding fear and shame into the hearts of those who believe in him, transcends the walls of man-made creeds.
I shudder at the thought of your journey and celebrate you finding your true God...and returning to your beloved. What a beautiful love story.
If I had stayed, I would not be the person I am today. My view of God has shifted, as you know, to that of Universal Consciousness, and yoga has been the cause of that change. Thank you for reading, dear friend. I appreciate your wisdom and insight always!
Ilona Goanos: Ooh, "Universal Consciousness." I LIKE that very much.
As a Roman Catholic who formally professes the dogmas of the ancient, five Orthodox Ecumenical Councils, I believe in "Universal Consciousness."
Very well expressed.
The beautiful romantic poet, Friedrich Hölderlin, wrote to his college friends (!!!) Hegel and Schelling: ἕν καὶ πᾶν (hen kai pan: One in being with All):
HYPERION [named after the Greek Sun God] -- The Hermit in Greece.
Oh, blessed Nature! i don't know how it happens, when I lift my Eye to your Beauty, but all Heavenly Pleasure fills me, the Beloved, with tears for You, My Love.
My whole Being becomes silent, and I hearken as the the gentle waves of breeze play about my breast. Lost in the Blue, I gaze upon the heavens and the Holy Ocean, and it is as if a Kindred Spirit opened her arms, and the lonely pains find balm in the Life of the Divinity.
To be One with All, that is life in the Divinity, that is the Heaven for Humanity.
To live, in forgetfulness of one's mere self, to return to the All in Nature, that is the Mountain Peak of Thought and Joy, that is the Holy Mountain Peak, the refuge of Eternal Peace, where CEASES the noonday humidity and the thunderous roar, where it resembles the gentle waves of the cornfield.
To be One with All -- With these words, Virtue lays down the armor of anger; the Spirit of Humanity gives up her scepter. All pictoral-imagination dissolve into the Image of the Eternal-One-World, where merely academic artistic rules cease to govern the Artist who sees before her (beautiful) Urania. The person's hitherto Fate gives up her governance (of the person). Rather in the Union of Essence, death disappears, the Inseparability (of Humanity and Nature in the One) endows Eternal Youth and Beautifies the World.
In the Original:
HYPERION
ODER
DER EREMIT IN GRIECHENLAND
(Fragmente)
O selige Natur! Ich weiß nicht, wie mir geschiehet, wenn ich mein Auge erhebe vor deiner Schöne, aber alle Lust des Himmels ist in den Tränen, die ich weine vor dir, der Geliebte vor der Geliebten.
Mein ganzes Wesen verstummt und lauscht, wenn die zarte Welle der Luft mir um die Brust spielt. Verloren ins weite Blau, blick ich oft hinauf an den Aether und hinein ins heilige Meer, und mir ist, als öffnet' ein verwandter Geist mir die Arme, als löste der Schmerz der Einsamkeit sich auf ins Leben der Gottheit.
Eines zu sein mit Allem, das ist Leben der Gottheit, das ist der Himmel des Menschen.
Eines zu sein mit Allem, was lebt, in seliger Selbstvergessenheit wiederzukehren ins All der Natur, das ist der Gipfel der Gedanken und Freuden, das ist die heilige Bergeshöhe, der Ort der ewigen Ruhe, wo der Mittag seine Schwüle und der Donner seine Stimme verliert und das kochende Meer der Woge des Kornfelds gleicht.
Eines zu sein mit Allem, was lebt! Mit diesem Worte legt die Tugend den zürnenden Harnisch, der Geist des Menschen den Zepter weg, und alle Gedanken schwinden vor dem Bilde der ewigeinigen Welt, wie die Regeln des ringenden Künstlers vor seiner Urania, und das eherne Schicksal entsagt der Herrschaft, und aus dem Bunde der Wesen schwindet der Tod, und Unzertrennlichkeit und ewige Jugend beseliget, verschönert die Welt.
Today I am entering a church for the first time in years, decades. For a close friend who is "celebrating" the life of her recently departed mother (99!). There are not many people who could get me to enter a church. I go there in support. I'll figure out how to deal with the creepiness of it all. This is about my friend and how she wants to handle this. But my palms will sweat as I sit down in the pew.
I was completing a miserable 15 year marriage. We lived as battling "room mates" for several of those years. We were deciding who would get the farm, etc. Agony.
I did NOT want to get "involved" again. Pain. Suffering too long. Awful.
But a phone call, from a trusted voice pierced my brain, heart and very being.
My friend was 46. 29 years ago. She had been separated, divorced and fully, happily independent for about 10 years.
One day I picked up the phone and heard the voice of this friend and my heart leaped. I had exited the old doorway a long time ago. A new door was opening. Did I dare...?
After talking for a while, hanging up and calming my fluttering heart, I called her back and said "I'm driving out to visit you...." She said: "Will you stay for dinner?"
That was 1997. I'm still gaga. But at the core of this whole thing is shared values and trust.
Bill, thank you for this. First, I hope the church service today goes okay. Going in support of someone you love, even when the space itself makes your palms sweat, is its own kind of courage.
And your story - that phone call, your heart leaping, "Will you stay for dinner?" and then 29 years of still being gaga. That's beautiful. The shared values and trust at the core - YES. That's what makes it sustainable, isn't it? Not just the initial leap, but what you build together afterward.
I'm so glad this resonated with you. Thank you for sharing your journey here.
The church service was lovely. Nice family members spoke about Dear Granny who passed at 99.5. Apparently, she was near perfect :)
I had forgotten that people sing hymns. I listened. I had memories of being a bored kid wearing scratchy wool pants being told to sit still.
I got over myself and my cynicism. The important part was that somebody was honored, my friends were happy and - I got a bite to eat. Two hours later, I was back home and walking the dog. Which is my idea of a true spiritual experience.
So glad the service was lovely and your friends were happy, Bill. Near perfect Granny at 99.5 - they always are at funerals, aren't they?
The scratchy wool pants memory made me laugh. But you showed up, listened to the hymns, got over your cynicism for two hours, and then got back to your real spiritual practice: walking the dog. That's exactly right.
Ilona, such an unveiling in your words. I am grateful to be listening. I could not help but feel your pain as you shifted the compass of your life.
I am not able to put myself in your shoes when it comes to leaving a marriage. That being said, I had a decision to make when I lost my spouse, as you know. I could either live in my brokenness or forge a new life. Fortunately, I chose the latter and have been the better for it.
I come at this from a different angle than you, certainly, but I know what it is to cast off the old cloak for a new one. We only have this one life to live on earth, and it seems to me that we should seek happiness and fulfillment, which you have done. Very moving piece.
Candy, thank you for this. You're right that our circumstances were different - you didn't choose to lose your spouse, and that grief is its own kind of shattering. But the decision you faced after - to live in brokenness or forge a new life - that takes the same kind of courage. Maybe even more, because you had to choose life again without knowing if you could trust yourself to build it. I'm grateful you chose the latter. And I'm grateful you're here reading this.
Once again, your ability to tell a personal story so beautifully has blown me away, Ilona. And this: "...to learn that trusting myself didn’t mean I’d never make mistakes again - it meant I’d own them."--I will be sharing that far and wide, so many people need to embrace that.
Oh Niki, thank you. You've been reading my work for a while now, so your words carry weight. That line about owning mistakes - I wish I'd understood that at 30 instead of 46. But better late than never, right? Please do share it. Someone out there is paralyzed by the fear of choosing wrong. Maybe this will help them
Probably the most important lesson I learned in my faith journey was that I had to trust that no matter what I did, how hard I fell, how badly I f'd up, if I was to take my faith seriously, it was ok.
Raised Catholic and aware of a whole lot of rules, I eventually said "I need to trust my heart, my intuition and step out with confidence that all will be ok." As a closeted gay man who had an active faith life, it was very frightening. I finally spoke to my spiritual director at the time, a very wonderful and wise elderly Jesuit and said "I don't think I can agree to belong any longer to a church that did not want me." The church I went to was very progressive and very welcoming of the LGBTQ community but certainly the larger Church was not.
His replied shocked me: "Tom, there are many paths to God. You simply need to find yours even if that takes you away from the Church." This was not what I expected and he instilled such a deep trust that I was more than capable of finding my way.
Truly, my "coming out" journey was the greatest spiritual journey of my life and there is no doubt in my mind that it was a blessing. Spiritual hubris, I think, is an incredibly damning practice and I fear all too common. I think true humility means putting faith in others that they are capable of making their own choices, choosing their own path and finding their own truth. So glad you found your way back to Larry.
Tom, that Jesuit gave you permission to trust yourself when the institution wouldn't. "There are many paths to God. You simply need to find yours even if that takes you away from the Church." What radical wisdom - and what a risk for him to say it.
The fact that your coming out became your greatest spiritual journey makes perfect sense. You had to choose between your authentic self and what you'd been told God wanted. Choosing yourself WAS choosing God. That's not spiritual hubris - that's spiritual courage.
True humility is trusting others to find their own path, not assuming we know God's will for their lives. Thank you for this beautiful reflection.
I can relate to this... leaving a marriage after 30 years was the toughest decision I have ever made... my ex and myself are the best of friends even today... there was a lot of work that we had put in to make it work after the divorce for the sake of our sons...
The fact that you're best friends now after thirty years of marriage says something important - that you're both good people who weren't right as partners but could still show up for each other and your son. That kind of post-divorce work is its own kind of love. Thank you for sharing your story, Savira.
Excellent post, as always. I'm saving my insights for my memoir, which, as you know, has been written and is undergoing its third revision currently. An old saying in the writing world: Writing is re-writing. Your piece is spot on. I will have to remember to reference it when I'm being interviewed on the "Today Show" about my memoir! :)
I am blessed with a woman, who young, swept into my life like a fresh spring breeze resonant of peach blossoms, Nancy, whom I have loved every minute of 54 years, with 52 years of marriage.
I have OCD, and deeply regret EVERYTHING I have done after the age of 13 -- though I had a wonderful career as judge advocate (8 years active duty, uniformed, another 20 years reserve, I made only Lieutenant Colonel, "not smart enough to make Bird Colonel," but I studied our nation's strategy in the Field Grade Officer grade school: Air War College), and 32 years as civil servant at Navy Office of General Counsel (GS-905-15). Retired ultimately with 41 years in March, 2016. Two beautiful, wonderful daughters; two well-loved sons-in-law; six well-loved grandchildren (one granddaughter, five grandsons). I love them all and am loved by them all.
But every day, I feel I could have been less distracted by my mental illness during work and done thoroughly much better and arisen much higher in the Air Force and Navy.
Everyday, I feel the reproach of my daily impatience with my well-loved wife or a child. My kindness should be much warmer; my impatience has to stop.
Everything in life from age 13.
Yet, beautiful people, my adored wife and kids (the daughters, sons-in-law, grandkids) are all central in my life.
You are deeply right about people who say, "God wills this," "God's will is for . . .," "God will take care of it."
As a Catholic in the skeptical tradition of Erasmus of Rotterdam (I highly recommend reading Stefan Zweig's account of the great Renaissance man), I at the same time in a formal sense confess all of the doctrine of the Five Ecumenical Councils of the Ancient Orthodox Church and profess a fully secular 14.5 Billion Year evolution in physics and biology from the Big Bang forward.
So, God, rather than being concerned with making Armando happy after a loss by showing him a peach blossom of a May Morning is more likely to be involved with super-colliding galaxies and the billions of galaxies and billions of suns.
The Vision is that of Walt Whitman: "Myself I sing." Or, "There are billions of suns left."
The vision is that of the great Neoplatonist, Plotinus (205-270 AD), whose emanating and spiraling universe led to Leibniz, Kant, Hegel, Heidegger and foresees aspects of 20th c. physics. To get an idea of the sweep, I would recommend some of the volumes by the Philosopher, the Professor at the University of Oslo, Eyjólfur K. Emilsson, whose work is published by Routledge. That is a spirituality that is worthy of the 14.5 year evolution and cures any pious thoughts (Oh, well, I must deny myself, because God will provide . . .).
You are a good person.
I hope after your first marriage you found a love worthy of you.
But even if not.
A glorious woman . . . DOES NOT NEED A MAN.
Mother Nature did NOT make Armando of a nature to be single. My love of Woman is too strong; and I have found the love of a WONDERFUL woman, having worked for it, not because I left it to the will of a comfortable God I could hold in my hands and piously yield to His Will.
I am so much more for a life with a wondrous, WONDERFUL woman.
Life with a WONDROUS woman is full of beauty and meaning.
Plus, there is the miracle of children.
Not merely my own.
Children all over are inwardly good and BEAUTIFUL.
Mother Nature made women more independent.
My wife would lead a full, beautiful life if she were single.
What comes out in your post was that you kept the marriage and family together because of the sacredness of the Sacrament of Marriage and not because of any love or other needs the family or husband gave to you.
You were quite right to decide to live for your own personal integrity, and you are a wonderful, inwardly deeply good person.
Thank you for a deeply moving post worthy of your Integrity.
Armando, what a beautiful testament to your Nancy and your family. Thank you for bringing all of this - your struggles with OCD, your philosophical wrestling, your deep love - into the conversation. I'm grateful the piece spoke to you. And yes, I found my person. ❤️
I can relate. At 45, I left a marriage of 22 years, with a sum total relationship of 27. My three teenaged sons had to decide which parent to live with and I had to live with being the one who broke our family.
Fourteen years later, I am happily married to my soulmate and my wusband found a woman who loves and accepts him as he is.
It was the toughest, best decision of my life.
The timing is so similar - you at 45, me at 46. Both of us carrying that label: the one who broke the family. That's the part people don't talk about enough - how you have to be willing to be the "bad guy" to save your own life. Fourteen years out and happily married to your soulmate - that's hope. Thank you for this.
My pleasure.
I went through an extremely painful year where my middle son did not speak to me. He was convinced I had been unfaithful.
A couple of years back, we had a ling walk and talk. He is married now and sees things differently. He talked about how angry he was and how now he sees how my relationship with my husband is good. How his dad and new wife are happy.
He understands that I made the right choice.
We do our children no favours by staying in a relationship that is not working.
I wish you peace, love, and happiness.
Yes, it was a rough ride for a while, but when the children become adults, they see things differently. Thank you for the beautiful wishes, and I wish you the same 💕
I rarely talk about this but I was raised “the good Catholic girl”. Twelve years of Catholic school by devout Catholic parents. After 15 years to a husband who thought monogamy was me and one other woman on the side (there were many), I packed up my kids and left. My parents were so angry (till death do you part). I had no support and raised my kids by myself. But now as adults, they do not remember the hardships. They remember “camping” in the living room and eating on top of cardboard boxes because we had no furniture. We muddled through and my kids are now beautiful, strong, independent adults. As Patricia said, we do not do our children any favors by staying in a relationship that is not working.
Jan, this stopped me: your kids remember camping in the living room and eating on cardboard boxes - not as hardship, but as adventure. That's what you gave them. Not perfection, but resilience and love and a mother who chose herself and them over performing a marriage that was already broken. Beautiful, strong, independent adults don't come from staying in dysfunction - they come from watching a parent be brave enough to leave. Thank you for this.
Thank you for seeing this in a different light. I felt so inadequate at the time but in retrospect, I was strong. Others can interpret our story in a more positive way than the challenges we remember.
I felt completely inadequate at the time, too. I am working on the reframe to this day, and I hope my kids, now adults, will see it as something positive as they mature and face their own problems. I think they are there now, but a deeper understanding is born from their lived experiences.
So good, Ilona. It brought back memories of when I decided to leave my abusive husband, no matter what I thought God thought about it (or what I thought he was telling me to do). I was forty years old, and I was scared, but I knew I had to think for myself. Now I believe God would have been the first to approve, but that first step into thinking for myself was a big one. I'm so glad for you.
"No matter what I thought God thought about it" - yes. That's exactly it. Forty years old, scared, but knowing you had to think for yourself even if it meant defying what you believed God wanted. That's an act of profound courage. I love that you've come to believe God would have approved - but you're right, that first step into your own authority had to happen first. I'm so glad you got out. Thank you for sharing this.
Linda Hoenigsberg: Abuse of spouse or children is traumatic and a terrible crime. I love a beautiful cousin in our extended family whose biological father injured her at circa two-years-old for life in the head and arm, and she is lovable, and to this day, fifty years later, I am sorrowful and deeply angry at the bipolar biological father.
Each spouse, each child is entitled to tender love and nurture. That is a matter of right.
The other is a terrible, inhumane crime.
I am most sorrowful that you underwent this evil, and am happy that at 40 you were able ultimately to be free, as you deserve.
If I could UNWISH the abuse, I would. I wish you healing, love, happiness the days of your life.
Thank you so much, Armand! You lifted my heart.
What a bunch of strong, willed women @ilona, @linda, @patricia! I’m impressed by your awareness of shitty situations that were detrimental to your well being, and despite what God wants or the church or kids, you all made the decisions for yourselves which I’m sure was not easy! Sounds like all of you are better for it! Amen to joy!
All decisions since that time have been so much easier. Maybe it was because of that single decision, I don't know. I don't know what would have happened to me if I had stayed. I would always have wondered how my life could have been different.
What a deliciously poignant story, Ilona. Food for deep reflection on the many resistances of life.
A beautiful reminder that God, a word I have distaste for because of visions of a long scraggly, white bearded man in an ivory tower, wielding fear and shame into the hearts of those who believe in him, transcends the walls of man-made creeds.
I shudder at the thought of your journey and celebrate you finding your true God...and returning to your beloved. What a beautiful love story.
If I had stayed, I would not be the person I am today. My view of God has shifted, as you know, to that of Universal Consciousness, and yoga has been the cause of that change. Thank you for reading, dear friend. I appreciate your wisdom and insight always!
Ilona Goanos: Ooh, "Universal Consciousness." I LIKE that very much.
As a Roman Catholic who formally professes the dogmas of the ancient, five Orthodox Ecumenical Councils, I believe in "Universal Consciousness."
Very well expressed.
The beautiful romantic poet, Friedrich Hölderlin, wrote to his college friends (!!!) Hegel and Schelling: ἕν καὶ πᾶν (hen kai pan: One in being with All):
The One in All.
Hölderlin wrote in "Hyperion":
http://www.deutsche-liebeslyrik.de/holderlin_hyperion.htm
HYPERION [named after the Greek Sun God] -- The Hermit in Greece.
Oh, blessed Nature! i don't know how it happens, when I lift my Eye to your Beauty, but all Heavenly Pleasure fills me, the Beloved, with tears for You, My Love.
My whole Being becomes silent, and I hearken as the the gentle waves of breeze play about my breast. Lost in the Blue, I gaze upon the heavens and the Holy Ocean, and it is as if a Kindred Spirit opened her arms, and the lonely pains find balm in the Life of the Divinity.
To be One with All, that is life in the Divinity, that is the Heaven for Humanity.
To live, in forgetfulness of one's mere self, to return to the All in Nature, that is the Mountain Peak of Thought and Joy, that is the Holy Mountain Peak, the refuge of Eternal Peace, where CEASES the noonday humidity and the thunderous roar, where it resembles the gentle waves of the cornfield.
To be One with All -- With these words, Virtue lays down the armor of anger; the Spirit of Humanity gives up her scepter. All pictoral-imagination dissolve into the Image of the Eternal-One-World, where merely academic artistic rules cease to govern the Artist who sees before her (beautiful) Urania. The person's hitherto Fate gives up her governance (of the person). Rather in the Union of Essence, death disappears, the Inseparability (of Humanity and Nature in the One) endows Eternal Youth and Beautifies the World.
In the Original:
HYPERION
ODER
DER EREMIT IN GRIECHENLAND
(Fragmente)
O selige Natur! Ich weiß nicht, wie mir geschiehet, wenn ich mein Auge erhebe vor deiner Schöne, aber alle Lust des Himmels ist in den Tränen, die ich weine vor dir, der Geliebte vor der Geliebten.
Mein ganzes Wesen verstummt und lauscht, wenn die zarte Welle der Luft mir um die Brust spielt. Verloren ins weite Blau, blick ich oft hinauf an den Aether und hinein ins heilige Meer, und mir ist, als öffnet' ein verwandter Geist mir die Arme, als löste der Schmerz der Einsamkeit sich auf ins Leben der Gottheit.
Eines zu sein mit Allem, das ist Leben der Gottheit, das ist der Himmel des Menschen.
Eines zu sein mit Allem, was lebt, in seliger Selbstvergessenheit wiederzukehren ins All der Natur, das ist der Gipfel der Gedanken und Freuden, das ist die heilige Bergeshöhe, der Ort der ewigen Ruhe, wo der Mittag seine Schwüle und der Donner seine Stimme verliert und das kochende Meer der Woge des Kornfelds gleicht.
Eines zu sein mit Allem, was lebt! Mit diesem Worte legt die Tugend den zürnenden Harnisch, der Geist des Menschen den Zepter weg, und alle Gedanken schwinden vor dem Bilde der ewigeinigen Welt, wie die Regeln des ringenden Künstlers vor seiner Urania, und das eherne Schicksal entsagt der Herrschaft, und aus dem Bunde der Wesen schwindet der Tod, und Unzertrennlichkeit und ewige Jugend beseliget, verschönert die Welt.
What a BEAUTIFUL poem, Armando. Thank you for sharing and I loved that you added the German version, too.
Deborah Rubin: I second that. "Deliciously poignant." Exactly!
Today I am entering a church for the first time in years, decades. For a close friend who is "celebrating" the life of her recently departed mother (99!). There are not many people who could get me to enter a church. I go there in support. I'll figure out how to deal with the creepiness of it all. This is about my friend and how she wants to handle this. But my palms will sweat as I sit down in the pew.
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My journey:
I was completing a miserable 15 year marriage. We lived as battling "room mates" for several of those years. We were deciding who would get the farm, etc. Agony.
I did NOT want to get "involved" again. Pain. Suffering too long. Awful.
But a phone call, from a trusted voice pierced my brain, heart and very being.
My friend was 46. 29 years ago. She had been separated, divorced and fully, happily independent for about 10 years.
One day I picked up the phone and heard the voice of this friend and my heart leaped. I had exited the old doorway a long time ago. A new door was opening. Did I dare...?
After talking for a while, hanging up and calming my fluttering heart, I called her back and said "I'm driving out to visit you...." She said: "Will you stay for dinner?"
That was 1997. I'm still gaga. But at the core of this whole thing is shared values and trust.
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Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It obviously resonated with me.
Bill, thank you for this. First, I hope the church service today goes okay. Going in support of someone you love, even when the space itself makes your palms sweat, is its own kind of courage.
And your story - that phone call, your heart leaping, "Will you stay for dinner?" and then 29 years of still being gaga. That's beautiful. The shared values and trust at the core - YES. That's what makes it sustainable, isn't it? Not just the initial leap, but what you build together afterward.
I'm so glad this resonated with you. Thank you for sharing your journey here.
The church service was lovely. Nice family members spoke about Dear Granny who passed at 99.5. Apparently, she was near perfect :)
I had forgotten that people sing hymns. I listened. I had memories of being a bored kid wearing scratchy wool pants being told to sit still.
I got over myself and my cynicism. The important part was that somebody was honored, my friends were happy and - I got a bite to eat. Two hours later, I was back home and walking the dog. Which is my idea of a true spiritual experience.
So glad the service was lovely and your friends were happy, Bill. Near perfect Granny at 99.5 - they always are at funerals, aren't they?
The scratchy wool pants memory made me laugh. But you showed up, listened to the hymns, got over your cynicism for two hours, and then got back to your real spiritual practice: walking the dog. That's exactly right.
Ilona, such an unveiling in your words. I am grateful to be listening. I could not help but feel your pain as you shifted the compass of your life.
I am not able to put myself in your shoes when it comes to leaving a marriage. That being said, I had a decision to make when I lost my spouse, as you know. I could either live in my brokenness or forge a new life. Fortunately, I chose the latter and have been the better for it.
I come at this from a different angle than you, certainly, but I know what it is to cast off the old cloak for a new one. We only have this one life to live on earth, and it seems to me that we should seek happiness and fulfillment, which you have done. Very moving piece.
Candy, thank you for this. You're right that our circumstances were different - you didn't choose to lose your spouse, and that grief is its own kind of shattering. But the decision you faced after - to live in brokenness or forge a new life - that takes the same kind of courage. Maybe even more, because you had to choose life again without knowing if you could trust yourself to build it. I'm grateful you chose the latter. And I'm grateful you're here reading this.
Once again, your ability to tell a personal story so beautifully has blown me away, Ilona. And this: "...to learn that trusting myself didn’t mean I’d never make mistakes again - it meant I’d own them."--I will be sharing that far and wide, so many people need to embrace that.
Oh Niki, thank you. You've been reading my work for a while now, so your words carry weight. That line about owning mistakes - I wish I'd understood that at 30 instead of 46. But better late than never, right? Please do share it. Someone out there is paralyzed by the fear of choosing wrong. Maybe this will help them
I love this Ilona. So honest and in the moment.
Probably the most important lesson I learned in my faith journey was that I had to trust that no matter what I did, how hard I fell, how badly I f'd up, if I was to take my faith seriously, it was ok.
Raised Catholic and aware of a whole lot of rules, I eventually said "I need to trust my heart, my intuition and step out with confidence that all will be ok." As a closeted gay man who had an active faith life, it was very frightening. I finally spoke to my spiritual director at the time, a very wonderful and wise elderly Jesuit and said "I don't think I can agree to belong any longer to a church that did not want me." The church I went to was very progressive and very welcoming of the LGBTQ community but certainly the larger Church was not.
His replied shocked me: "Tom, there are many paths to God. You simply need to find yours even if that takes you away from the Church." This was not what I expected and he instilled such a deep trust that I was more than capable of finding my way.
Truly, my "coming out" journey was the greatest spiritual journey of my life and there is no doubt in my mind that it was a blessing. Spiritual hubris, I think, is an incredibly damning practice and I fear all too common. I think true humility means putting faith in others that they are capable of making their own choices, choosing their own path and finding their own truth. So glad you found your way back to Larry.
Tom, that Jesuit gave you permission to trust yourself when the institution wouldn't. "There are many paths to God. You simply need to find yours even if that takes you away from the Church." What radical wisdom - and what a risk for him to say it.
The fact that your coming out became your greatest spiritual journey makes perfect sense. You had to choose between your authentic self and what you'd been told God wanted. Choosing yourself WAS choosing God. That's not spiritual hubris - that's spiritual courage.
True humility is trusting others to find their own path, not assuming we know God's will for their lives. Thank you for this beautiful reflection.
I can relate to this... leaving a marriage after 30 years was the toughest decision I have ever made... my ex and myself are the best of friends even today... there was a lot of work that we had put in to make it work after the divorce for the sake of our sons...
The fact that you're best friends now after thirty years of marriage says something important - that you're both good people who weren't right as partners but could still show up for each other and your son. That kind of post-divorce work is its own kind of love. Thank you for sharing your story, Savira.
You'll at least get the link, don't worry. I have to figure out if it's God's will for you to get one of my few studio audience tickets... 🤣🤣
Excellent post, as always. I'm saving my insights for my memoir, which, as you know, has been written and is undergoing its third revision currently. An old saying in the writing world: Writing is re-writing. Your piece is spot on. I will have to remember to reference it when I'm being interviewed on the "Today Show" about my memoir! :)
Thank you! I hope you will get me an audience ticket or at least send me the link afterward.
Ilona Goanos: You are a deeply good person.
I am blessed with a woman, who young, swept into my life like a fresh spring breeze resonant of peach blossoms, Nancy, whom I have loved every minute of 54 years, with 52 years of marriage.
I have OCD, and deeply regret EVERYTHING I have done after the age of 13 -- though I had a wonderful career as judge advocate (8 years active duty, uniformed, another 20 years reserve, I made only Lieutenant Colonel, "not smart enough to make Bird Colonel," but I studied our nation's strategy in the Field Grade Officer grade school: Air War College), and 32 years as civil servant at Navy Office of General Counsel (GS-905-15). Retired ultimately with 41 years in March, 2016. Two beautiful, wonderful daughters; two well-loved sons-in-law; six well-loved grandchildren (one granddaughter, five grandsons). I love them all and am loved by them all.
But every day, I feel I could have been less distracted by my mental illness during work and done thoroughly much better and arisen much higher in the Air Force and Navy.
Everyday, I feel the reproach of my daily impatience with my well-loved wife or a child. My kindness should be much warmer; my impatience has to stop.
Everything in life from age 13.
Yet, beautiful people, my adored wife and kids (the daughters, sons-in-law, grandkids) are all central in my life.
You are deeply right about people who say, "God wills this," "God's will is for . . .," "God will take care of it."
As a Catholic in the skeptical tradition of Erasmus of Rotterdam (I highly recommend reading Stefan Zweig's account of the great Renaissance man), I at the same time in a formal sense confess all of the doctrine of the Five Ecumenical Councils of the Ancient Orthodox Church and profess a fully secular 14.5 Billion Year evolution in physics and biology from the Big Bang forward.
So, God, rather than being concerned with making Armando happy after a loss by showing him a peach blossom of a May Morning is more likely to be involved with super-colliding galaxies and the billions of galaxies and billions of suns.
The Vision is that of Walt Whitman: "Myself I sing." Or, "There are billions of suns left."
The vision is that of the great Neoplatonist, Plotinus (205-270 AD), whose emanating and spiraling universe led to Leibniz, Kant, Hegel, Heidegger and foresees aspects of 20th c. physics. To get an idea of the sweep, I would recommend some of the volumes by the Philosopher, the Professor at the University of Oslo, Eyjólfur K. Emilsson, whose work is published by Routledge. That is a spirituality that is worthy of the 14.5 year evolution and cures any pious thoughts (Oh, well, I must deny myself, because God will provide . . .).
You are a good person.
I hope after your first marriage you found a love worthy of you.
But even if not.
A glorious woman . . . DOES NOT NEED A MAN.
Mother Nature did NOT make Armando of a nature to be single. My love of Woman is too strong; and I have found the love of a WONDERFUL woman, having worked for it, not because I left it to the will of a comfortable God I could hold in my hands and piously yield to His Will.
I am so much more for a life with a wondrous, WONDERFUL woman.
Life with a WONDROUS woman is full of beauty and meaning.
Plus, there is the miracle of children.
Not merely my own.
Children all over are inwardly good and BEAUTIFUL.
Mother Nature made women more independent.
My wife would lead a full, beautiful life if she were single.
What comes out in your post was that you kept the marriage and family together because of the sacredness of the Sacrament of Marriage and not because of any love or other needs the family or husband gave to you.
You were quite right to decide to live for your own personal integrity, and you are a wonderful, inwardly deeply good person.
Thank you for a deeply moving post worthy of your Integrity.
Armando, what a beautiful testament to your Nancy and your family. Thank you for bringing all of this - your struggles with OCD, your philosophical wrestling, your deep love - into the conversation. I'm grateful the piece spoke to you. And yes, I found my person. ❤️
Wow. ❤️🙏🏻
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