It's the Simple Things (and Other Lies)

What happens when you finally let yourself want more.

“We have been conditioned to not want more. I think that is a fallacy. I think that is a falsehood. I think that is a lie.” —Monica Hebert

My guru, mentor, and all-around waker-upper, Monica Hebert, author of The Daily RE-Wire here on Substack, got me thinking this morning. I listened to her talk for 12 minutes. Then I listened to her words a second time.

I hardly ever do that. Usually, I don’t even make it halfway through anything.

She talked about the conditioning we received when we were young, and how we continue to run those systems for the rest of our lives, or until we become conscious of them.

Her words inspired today’s essay. I was conditioned not to want anything except the bare minimum. Maybe you were, too.

It’s the simple things, they say, that matter.

Can’t you just see that embroidered on a throw pillow?

What are the simple things? A job, food, clothing, a partner, a family, and a decent place to live. Oh, and let’s add good health, because that is something I have grown to appreciate more as the luster of youth fades.

I understand that attaining simple things is difficult. It takes focus, effort, and some luck to achieve them.

Once you’ve got those simple things, everything else is gravy.

Gravy is tasty, but not definitely not a major food group.

The conditioning to not want more is really, really subtle. Insidious, even.

I never questioned that message because my script looked like everyone else’s. Right out of college, I got a job that paid well. I didn’t really understand what the position was all about, but a door had opened and I walked through. My problem was that I had never set my heart on a specific career path. I couldn’t see myself in a job that already had a tidy name assigned, like teacher, nurse, or secretary.

I spent so much of life doing something that happened to me, not something I chose.

I stayed in different forms of a mind-numbing career for the duration of my working years. The golden handcuffs slide easily onto the wrists of someone on autopilot.

My parents thought I had it made, but then again, they were also taught not to want anything more. How could they? They grew up poor during the war when food, clothing, and indoor plumbing were scarce.

Just be happy you’re alive.

Isn’t that enough?

Maybe if you’re the family dog curled up in a single ray of sunshine on the couch.

We are so much more than a family pet.

It’s only now that I have embraced the luxury of choosing. But first, I paid the toll.

After almost 20 years of pretending to be happily married, I divorced, which led to me leaving my church at the same time. Once I did that, gosh darn it, those blinders fell off lightning fast. The universe opened up.

So did I.

When I re-connected and married my college sweetheart, my world expanded even more. We traveled often and to places I’d never been. I give credit to my husband for showing me how rich life becomes when connecting with people all over the world.

He brought me to Greece, where his father was born. I fell in love not only with country’s beauty, but with the people who lived there. They were so warm, just like the air. They invited us into their tavernas, pulling up chairs and serving us steaming plates of souvlaki. When we visited with the kids and our four-year-old granddaughter, the wait staff carried her around as if she were their own miniature Greek goddess.

After my husband and I moved to another state, I retired and finally admitted I was glad that job was gone. My children were grown. They were always my proudest achievement and joy. But they weren’t mine to keep. They were living their own lives and following their own paths.

De-conditioning from my old life started me on the path to writing. Here on Substack, I met writers and readers who want to read my words and share their thoughts with me.

Writing also led me to connect women with each other locally. I started inviting women to come to my women’s circles as soon as we could gather after the COVID lockdowns. I remember the thrum of needing to connect with each other. How hungry we were for another woman to acknowledge and affirm our experiences.

And then one day, an idea popped out.

At first, it seemed too risky to even consider. But I’d already done the scariest hardest thing possible in my world. I’d left a loveless marriage and the church to which I’d given so much of myself.

The idea now had a chance.

What if I took a group of women to Greece? What if they wanted to enjoy Mediterranean culture and maybe fall in love too? It would be like giving them a giant hug bigger than my arms could hold.

This outrageous idea would never have come to me without the freedom to dream it.

That friends and friends of friends took a gamble and took a trip across the ocean with me to a foreign country still amazes me. All because I started living a life I wanted, and allowed myself to go to destinations unknown.

Monica’s words stick with me: “Every time I as an individual, expand my own joy, my happiness, and I expand my thinking, I contribute to the expansion of the universe. So how could wanting more be hurtful to anybody else? It can’t be.”

Thank you, Monica, for your wisdom and for reminding us to want more.

I want it all.

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I believe something shifts in a woman when she steps out of her everyday life. If you’re curious about what that looks like, I talk about our next all-ladies trip with my co-creator Jenny Santa Maria, in the Zoom information session below. This next trip will be to the Amalfi Coast in Italy. You can learn more about the trip, by clicking HERE.

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To watch the info session, click below.