The Art of Friendship as We Age: Keep The Old, But Cultivate The New
"Life is nothing without friendship." Cicero
When Netflix show “Grace and Frankie” came out in 2015, I wasn't ready. Those ladies were old, and after watching the pilot, I, as a young 51-year-old, couldn't relate. The series stars, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, were a full generation ahead of me.
But after reading Jane Fonda's memoir this past summer, I decided to give the show another chance. In their late 70s, Grace (Jane Fonda) and Frankie (Lily Tomlin) are in a caustic relationship, merely tolerating each other because their husbands are law firm partners.
The first episode begins at a pivotal moment in the two couples' lives. For the past twenty years, the husbands have been secret gay lovers and now want to marry each other. The men want to come clean because life is short, and they need divorces to move forward.
With their lives upended, Grace and Frankie are thrown into insane circumstances that neither could have imagined. As a result of their divorce settlements, they get an equal share in a beach house off the coast of California. Both stay there against the other's wishes until they figure out what to do with the rest of their lives.
Of course, they're total opposites, but through their crazy escapades, they become best friends.
It's formulaic and sappy.
But I loved it.
Those two spoke to me in a way my 59-year-old self could understand.
Female friendships are imperative.
New friendships in general can be difficult to cultivate later in life, but we need them just the same if only for one important reason: people live longer when they have friends.
Why is it so hard to make friends when you're older?
Friendships used to be easy when you were in school. The number of possible social contacts kept growing as you went up into the higher grades and transitioned to work.
Your job was a great place to make friends. You were there for big chunks of time and had plenty of things to bond over, like layoffs, crazy bosses, and company trips. Actors, Jane and Lily, have been friends since they starred in the film "9 to 5" in the 1980s.
Having children brought in a new pool of people and more possibilities for friendship.
But what happens when you no longer have these draws to bring people in? Are you supposed to make do with what you have for the rest of your life?
Statistically speaking, that’s not a good idea.
People move away, lose interest, or get sick and die.
Even when older people have an existing strong network of friends and family, the constraints of the group can make it hard to to meet new people and form new relationships.
When COVID hit in 2020, there were even fewer opportunities to meet new friends.
After my divorce, I moved around a few times and ended up in a new state. I was in an identity crisis after losing friends from my old life and not yet finding new ones.
It was a lonely time. I've been in New Jersey for seven years, and I'm only beginning to establish new friendships.
I had to make an effort.
Friendships didn't fall into my lap like they did when I was younger. Also, my circumstances didn't land me in a beach house on the California coast with Grace or Frankie.
I ran across this video this week, and Jane Fonda gives some great advice.
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Jane makes the point that female friendships enrich women in different ways than male relationships. Woman-to-woman relationships are so important that we should actively pursue them. Keep the old, but if you find another opportunity for a female friend, don’t let her get away!
Next time you’re feeling lonely, you have the power to change that. Make the effort.
For my people who like to click on things, here is a hope-filled song that I hope brightens your day.
I'll get you a beach house in Greece, does that work?!