Your ‘mortality math’ really resonates. As someone in my early 40’s, born to parents in their early-40s, and now caring for them in their 80s, I see both sides of this equation every day. The balance between planning ahead and holding onto youth feels especially real—thank you for putting it into words so perfectly.
You're getting a front-row seat to both worlds. I wonder what lessons you will take from these experiences as a caregiver. PS You look like a kid to me!
Oh my gosh, this post! I haven't heard of "on-brand alive," but it speaks volumes about what many of us feel and how we’re doing our best to navigate in unique and often silly ways. Thanks for this humorous take on our shared math issue.
This is a subject I've spent a lot of time thinking about. It's hard for me to have a perspective on being elderly. Other than a great-grandmother, all the relatives who were older than me died young. I lost my father at 51, my mother at 56. I became the matriarch of our small family at 34. My husband came within 5-8 minutes of dying due to a "widow-maker" heart attack when he was 56 and a few months later I had my first brain surgery. BUT...I have that same magical thinking. I once read a book that suggested that we all plan on living to 120. That way, the future is wide open and our decisions to take care of our health, fight against sarcopenia, and learn and grow will not be stifled with thoughts of not enough time. I like it!
Well, there's nothing like a diagnosis of inoperable ovarian cancer to throw a monkey-wrench into the calculations, Ilona lol..... I'm trying very hard most days to not even think about how much time I may have left, and just be thankfully aware that I am not in pain and able to still do some of the things that I love... if the weather would only improve I could do some of my beloved gardening! :)
Ilona, my piece "Ars Moriendi" on my subtack is about just this topic. Good for you for owning up to your ambivalent feelings about aging and mortality, and also for starting your will-writing and password lists. I "made" my parents write their wishes, and it sure helped when the time came. After lecturing them and being a caregiver to others, I made sure my husband and i wrote out medical directives, mutual power of attorney, and our wills. Now we're slightly updating the will to leave our estate to a local environmental non-profit rather than a national one.
In my living will, I added a section "do not hospitalize" because of an instance that happened with my mother in the dementia unit where she lived. If I'm already suffering from a disease and I get something else unrelated, I don't want to be cured of the new thing, but prefer for nature to take its course. This is such a nuanced topic and I enjoyed re-reading Ars Moriendi.
I totally agree with you. Same thing happened with my mom. Luckily, the hospice person said "we know she wouldn't want to go to the hospital," and the medical directives were there on file. Nature took its course in a peaceful and gentle way, with my sisters and me holding her, singing to her, reading to her.
The term “mortality math” is going to stick with me. Such a great concept! I’ve got a goal to at the end of my life to say I lived in the 1900s, 2000s, and the 2100s. I’ll be well seasoned by then.
"Mortality Math." Good one, Ilona. I did this recently when thinking that when I eventually retire, if I have 20 years to live after that, I'll have 7,300 Saturdays, as in every day for 20 years will be like a Saturday.
Every day is a Saturday! I love that. I'm trying to convince our friend Deb that she will never be bored when her life becomes a continuous stream of Saturdays.
Ilona Goanos: It is good to hear your voice on the "Rational Boomer," with the observation that the election fell down for lack of reason and humanity.
You recognized the dangers and have an ability to hold on to your HAPPINESS and to be a strong, dignified presence.
Yes, I had tease Mike because he, and others, had me convinced that Kamala Harris would win. What happened defied reason, logic and compassion, which are the cornerstones of the Rational Boomer's podcast. Everything that transpired was the exact opposite of those things. Thanks for listening, Armando.
Ilona Goanos: It is good to see such a dear person, who loves each person and wants to protect their rights and health, daily show inner strength and inner power.
Old guy here. Old age comes slowly. I clearly remember truly appreciating the ages of 33, 42 and 54. Each I connect with a particular event or "life moment". Buying a few acres with an antique farmhouse - being vegetable independent. Getting that "big job" that made me feel "successful". Leaving the corporate world with the love of my life to start a small business (it was a success!).
Now, I like to let the birthdays slide by. No party. Just out for sushi. I'm not counting anything. It would create a timeline and be depressing if I didn't meet certain goals.
I'm just living a balanced life. Politically engaged - never thought that would be necessary. Grow some food. Volunteer in town and in the neighborhood. Read some science fiction to leave the horrors of reality behind - briefly.
Substack has been a wonderful place to express myself on all manner of subjects. And...there are letters like yours. I truly enjoy your observations.
But I am not counting days. Old age comes slowly when we are younger. But now, it is arriving all of a sudden. I'll just keep moving until I drop. Maybe like Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) did in the tomato patch in the Godfather.
Thinking positively along the way. I love all four seasons. But when I do drop I think I will be grateful.
I believe being grateful is a life extender. It's part of a positive attitude, which makes life pleasant and people want to be around you more. Keep doing you, Bill. You're a great example of balance and integrity.
Thank you, Ilona! You are always welcome in my inbox.
I especially love this line: “Meanwhile, our generation buys overstuffed white sofas and pretends we never spill anything.” Removing my rose colored glasses now…
This quote from your article stayed with me: 'Wisdom isn't found at either end, but in learning to balance between them—enjoying each remaining morning while accepting their limited number.' That's the sweet spot, isn't it? Finding that balance between embracing the present moment and acknowledging our mortality. It's a tightrope walk, for sure, but it's a dance worth learning.
Your ‘mortality math’ really resonates. As someone in my early 40’s, born to parents in their early-40s, and now caring for them in their 80s, I see both sides of this equation every day. The balance between planning ahead and holding onto youth feels especially real—thank you for putting it into words so perfectly.
You're getting a front-row seat to both worlds. I wonder what lessons you will take from these experiences as a caregiver. PS You look like a kid to me!
Oh my gosh, this post! I haven't heard of "on-brand alive," but it speaks volumes about what many of us feel and how we’re doing our best to navigate in unique and often silly ways. Thanks for this humorous take on our shared math issue.
I look forward to watching the video.
I made up on brand alive! 🤣 Glad it resonated.
Seriously? It's perfect!
This is a subject I've spent a lot of time thinking about. It's hard for me to have a perspective on being elderly. Other than a great-grandmother, all the relatives who were older than me died young. I lost my father at 51, my mother at 56. I became the matriarch of our small family at 34. My husband came within 5-8 minutes of dying due to a "widow-maker" heart attack when he was 56 and a few months later I had my first brain surgery. BUT...I have that same magical thinking. I once read a book that suggested that we all plan on living to 120. That way, the future is wide open and our decisions to take care of our health, fight against sarcopenia, and learn and grow will not be stifled with thoughts of not enough time. I like it!
Interesting. There really is no choice but to live in the present moment, because the future is unknown. So live it up, girl!
Well, there's nothing like a diagnosis of inoperable ovarian cancer to throw a monkey-wrench into the calculations, Ilona lol..... I'm trying very hard most days to not even think about how much time I may have left, and just be thankfully aware that I am not in pain and able to still do some of the things that I love... if the weather would only improve I could do some of my beloved gardening! :)
I love how you changed your perspective and are rolling with it. There's a lesson in that.
Ilona, my piece "Ars Moriendi" on my subtack is about just this topic. Good for you for owning up to your ambivalent feelings about aging and mortality, and also for starting your will-writing and password lists. I "made" my parents write their wishes, and it sure helped when the time came. After lecturing them and being a caregiver to others, I made sure my husband and i wrote out medical directives, mutual power of attorney, and our wills. Now we're slightly updating the will to leave our estate to a local environmental non-profit rather than a national one.
In my living will, I added a section "do not hospitalize" because of an instance that happened with my mother in the dementia unit where she lived. If I'm already suffering from a disease and I get something else unrelated, I don't want to be cured of the new thing, but prefer for nature to take its course. This is such a nuanced topic and I enjoyed re-reading Ars Moriendi.
I totally agree with you. Same thing happened with my mom. Luckily, the hospice person said "we know she wouldn't want to go to the hospital," and the medical directives were there on file. Nature took its course in a peaceful and gentle way, with my sisters and me holding her, singing to her, reading to her.
The term “mortality math” is going to stick with me. Such a great concept! I’ve got a goal to at the end of my life to say I lived in the 1900s, 2000s, and the 2100s. I’ll be well seasoned by then.
Wow, it is amazing that your life could very well span three centuries. I hope you make it :)
I’d have to make it to 126, so it’s a stretch goal for sure. But I know someone born at the tail end of the 20th Century will do it. 🙌
"Mortality Math." Good one, Ilona. I did this recently when thinking that when I eventually retire, if I have 20 years to live after that, I'll have 7,300 Saturdays, as in every day for 20 years will be like a Saturday.
Every day is a Saturday! I love that. I'm trying to convince our friend Deb that she will never be bored when her life becomes a continuous stream of Saturdays.
I can relate to everything you write here. Thank you, Ilona. I always enjoy your views. 💕
Thanks for reading, Sue.
Ilona Goanos: It is good to hear your voice on the "Rational Boomer," with the observation that the election fell down for lack of reason and humanity.
You recognized the dangers and have an ability to hold on to your HAPPINESS and to be a strong, dignified presence.
You are inspiring!!
Yes, I had tease Mike because he, and others, had me convinced that Kamala Harris would win. What happened defied reason, logic and compassion, which are the cornerstones of the Rational Boomer's podcast. Everything that transpired was the exact opposite of those things. Thanks for listening, Armando.
Ilona Goanos: It is good to see such a dear person, who loves each person and wants to protect their rights and health, daily show inner strength and inner power.
You are at the top of my favorites!
Thank you, friend
Old guy here. Old age comes slowly. I clearly remember truly appreciating the ages of 33, 42 and 54. Each I connect with a particular event or "life moment". Buying a few acres with an antique farmhouse - being vegetable independent. Getting that "big job" that made me feel "successful". Leaving the corporate world with the love of my life to start a small business (it was a success!).
Now, I like to let the birthdays slide by. No party. Just out for sushi. I'm not counting anything. It would create a timeline and be depressing if I didn't meet certain goals.
I'm just living a balanced life. Politically engaged - never thought that would be necessary. Grow some food. Volunteer in town and in the neighborhood. Read some science fiction to leave the horrors of reality behind - briefly.
Substack has been a wonderful place to express myself on all manner of subjects. And...there are letters like yours. I truly enjoy your observations.
But I am not counting days. Old age comes slowly when we are younger. But now, it is arriving all of a sudden. I'll just keep moving until I drop. Maybe like Don Corleone (Marlon Brando) did in the tomato patch in the Godfather.
Thinking positively along the way. I love all four seasons. But when I do drop I think I will be grateful.
I believe being grateful is a life extender. It's part of a positive attitude, which makes life pleasant and people want to be around you more. Keep doing you, Bill. You're a great example of balance and integrity.
Thank you, Ilona! You are always welcome in my inbox.
I especially love this line: “Meanwhile, our generation buys overstuffed white sofas and pretends we never spill anything.” Removing my rose colored glasses now…
They say everything is temporary.
Who the hell are they anyway. 🎵
From the song "But We Lost It" by Pink
I thank yoga for my attention to my impending death. It's not hard to talk about because I probably don't really believe it.
This quote from your article stayed with me: 'Wisdom isn't found at either end, but in learning to balance between them—enjoying each remaining morning while accepting their limited number.' That's the sweet spot, isn't it? Finding that balance between embracing the present moment and acknowledging our mortality. It's a tightrope walk, for sure, but it's a dance worth learning.