Courage Over Comfort: Why We Need To Stop Idolizing Endurance in Marriage
Let's do this instead.
Reflecting on my journey through marriage, I often find myself questioning the practice of celebrating couples who simply endure for decades. It's as if staying together, akin to a battle-worn soldier clinging to the flag, is the ultimate triumph.
But is it?
Are we honoring love and joy or glorifying the ability to endure toxic relationships? If you read last week's newsletter, you know I was in an unhealthy situation, and staying put would never bring me happiness. Extracting myself from the relationship and prioritizing my well-being did.
I've encountered those seasoned couples, as I'm sure you have too, who wear their longevity like a badge of honor. They boast of resilience, proclaiming their commitment as if it were an act of defiance. Yet, underneath, I can't help but wonder: is there genuine fulfillment or merely a resigned acceptance?
Remaining in a marriage, even in the face of turmoil, is often the path of least resistance. I lived it. My silent submission to societal norms, the Catholic faith, the fear of judgment, and the perceived lack of support kept me tied to a relationship that was slowly killing me.
When I did leave, I knew I wanted something better.
Again, is it just me, but where are our role models for healthy relationships? Maybe you’ve witnessed some, and if so, I’m glad. In my corner of the world, I can count on one hand the number of committed relationships that appear to be thriving.
Mostly, I see beyond the blissful selfies and curated vacations on social media that seem too shiny, too perfect. I know because I used to fake it, too.
One woman routinely snaps herself posing provocatively, never mentioning her spouse on the luxurious vacations she’s taking without him.
Then there's the couple who share an account, representing themselves as a single entity bound by devotion. Meanwhile, half of the duo has a secret account, and then, shocker— they've broken apart.
Consider my parents, for instance. To the outside world, they were the epitome of marital bliss, hosting extravagant dinners and charming their guests with generous hospitality. But behind closed doors, their relationship was a toxic brew of mental illness and dysfunction. Their endurance was not a testament to love but rather a monument to the burden of societal expectations and fear.
Behind the facades lies an obscure truth: couples together not out of love but for other reasons. It’s so endemic that I’m compelled to ask the question:
Are we doing each other a disservice by applauding endurance over authenticity?
By doing so, we perpetuate the myth that longevity equates to success, ignoring the toll it takes on the people involved. These norms overshadow the importance of personal well-being and happiness in a marriage.
This narrative sucks.
I’m not the only one who feels this way, either. Fellow Substacker
Lenz creator of the publication wrote a book called “This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life.” , who writes “For Dear Life with Maggie Smith” on this platform but is famous for the viral poem “Good Bones” is also the author of the book, “You Could Make This Place Beautiful: A Memoir.” Both works discuss modern divorces, old belief systems, and their journeys as single moms.I felt their stories deeply, inspiring me to share this essay today. We must celebrate endurance and courage, amplify personal well-being over societal expectations, and walk away from toxic relationships to pursue genuine happiness.
Well-being matters and it's time we start celebrating that.
Let's rethink what we're congratulating and reserve our applause not for those who stay but for those who dare to leave. Letting go is where true liberation and empowerment are found, even if it means facing the depths of heartache and uncertainty.
So, next time you hear of someone getting divorced, congratulate them on their bravery. It’s never an easy choice, but one rooted in integrity to oneself.
Marriage is not merely a test of endurance; it's a daily practice of patience, compassion, and authenticity. And in that daily struggle, true courage resides. So here's to the brave souls who dare to choose themselves, even when it's the hardest thing they've ever done.
That, my friends, is worthy of celebration.
In the comments, let me know if you’ve encountered worthy marriage role models.
My mom was married twice before she met my dad. I realize now it was a testament to courage on both sides—that she should try again, and that he should throw his lot in with a woman who, in the language of the mid-20th century, “had failed” twice before. They married after knowing each other two months, and remained devotedly and happily married for the next. 60 years.
I was in a toxic relationship for 11 years but in the end we managed to separate in a good way. We are still friends, I know and like his now wife and a little while ago he apologized in a heartfelt way for how he had treated me years ago. He is not a bad man, we were just not good together. We were in a co-dependent relationship we should have left much much sooner. We stayed together for all the wrong reasons.
After it ended I wrote out a list of all the things I would never ever want and all the things I would like in a man. It kept me out of throwing myself into another similar situation. I can't take those difficult years back but I'm grateful for what I learnt and for the past 20 years I have been in a loving and mutually respectful relationship that is so different. It's good to know that something else is possible too.