I was in a toxic relationship for 11 years but in the end we managed to separate in a good way. We are still friends, I know and like his now wife and a little while ago he apologized in a heartfelt way for how he had treated me years ago. He is not a bad man, we were just not good together. We were in a co-dependent relationship we should have left much much sooner. We stayed together for all the wrong reasons.
After it ended I wrote out a list of all the things I would never ever want and all the things I would like in a man. It kept me out of throwing myself into another similar situation. I can't take those difficult years back but I'm grateful for what I learnt and for the past 20 years I have been in a loving and mutually respectful relationship that is so different. It's good to know that something else is possible too.
My mom was married twice before she met my dad. I realize now it was a testament to courage on both sides—that she should try again, and that he should throw his lot in with a woman who, in the language of the mid-20th century, “had failed” twice before. They married after knowing each other two months, and remained devotedly and happily married for the next. 60 years.
“Marriage is not merely a test of endurance; it's a daily practice of patience, compassion, and authenticity. And in that daily struggle, true courage resides. So here's to the brave souls who dare to choose themselves, even when it's the hardest thing they've ever done.”
So true Ilona (and you know I've got stories to tell about this subject!). I know very, very few role models for a happy marriage. Most are just enduring it, and you can tell by how they talk to each other whenever they are together. As a therapist, I try to help women who are thinking of marriage but complaining about their relationship to really think about what that would be like to untangle it later on down the road. It hurts like hell for a very long time. I read Maggie Smith's book and talk to others about how there is more than one type of loss and grief in a divorce...there's the loss of the marriage and the loss of the memories of what you thought during the marriage. Everything gets tainted and confusing and it takes a very long time to recover. It's imperative to really know your partner and that this is a good fit before taking that leap.
Thanks for this intriguing essay, Ilona. I've now read it twice. I think often of the marriages and long-term partners around me, and the whole "pairing" thing is so complex! As a nature lover, it helps me to compare us to creatures. Some mate for life. Some mate and then the male flies off and same next year. As for who is happy and who is just enduring? I just had lunch with a dear friend whose husband puts her down in front of others. They've been married forever; he's cheated on her more than once. She would never think of leaving. Another beloved lifelong friend is also married to a guy who puts her down in front of others. Both these women are brilliant, successful, way more than their husbands by far! In therapy, one husband says he feels "insecure." My own parents were married 65 years, and I grew up to the cadence of their voices in non-stop conversation. Another case where Mom's IQ was off the charts. Dad was brilliant too, but Mom taught me early to "never let a man think your'e more intelligent. Ask questions." She called him "Captain" and didn't intervene when he was violent with some of his six kids. Again, thanks for the great topic.
I went into my first marriage knowing I was making a HUGE mistake, but I stuck it out for 4 years anyway. He later turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic, and I thank God all the time that I got out when I did. There are no medals at the end for staying in a crappy marriage.
I can imagine it is terrible to find oneself in a very unhappy marriage, but one needs to be careful not to imagine that everyone else is the same as oneself. I have a truly happy marriage of 60 years and it is NOT me putting on a show - and I have a number of friends who seem to be in the same situation. My husband and are the closest of friends, we talk all the time about anything and everything because we learn constantly from each other and we laugh a lot in the course of the day. And this is not to mention the intimacy and joy from a continuing sexual relationship. It's not hard work, it is a constant pleasure. See https://arichardson.substack.com/p/celebrating-our-sixtieth-wedding
Thanks for this Ilona. I am so blessed to have had parents who actually loved and respected each other which gave me a firm foundation for life. It didn't ensure I wouldn't go through the slings and arrows of life but at least I had a firm ground to stand on. If my parents would have had a challenging marriage, I would be a different person than I am today. I would have been heart broken if there was animosity or hostility. Children feel the dishonesty... think what that sets them up for in life. To my mind, it's healthier for the children to have two parents that may be separate but happier and healthier because they honoured their happiness.
I was in a toxic relationship for 11 years but in the end we managed to separate in a good way. We are still friends, I know and like his now wife and a little while ago he apologized in a heartfelt way for how he had treated me years ago. He is not a bad man, we were just not good together. We were in a co-dependent relationship we should have left much much sooner. We stayed together for all the wrong reasons.
After it ended I wrote out a list of all the things I would never ever want and all the things I would like in a man. It kept me out of throwing myself into another similar situation. I can't take those difficult years back but I'm grateful for what I learnt and for the past 20 years I have been in a loving and mutually respectful relationship that is so different. It's good to know that something else is possible too.
My mom was married twice before she met my dad. I realize now it was a testament to courage on both sides—that she should try again, and that he should throw his lot in with a woman who, in the language of the mid-20th century, “had failed” twice before. They married after knowing each other two months, and remained devotedly and happily married for the next. 60 years.
“Marriage is not merely a test of endurance; it's a daily practice of patience, compassion, and authenticity. And in that daily struggle, true courage resides. So here's to the brave souls who dare to choose themselves, even when it's the hardest thing they've ever done.”
It is!
So true Ilona (and you know I've got stories to tell about this subject!). I know very, very few role models for a happy marriage. Most are just enduring it, and you can tell by how they talk to each other whenever they are together. As a therapist, I try to help women who are thinking of marriage but complaining about their relationship to really think about what that would be like to untangle it later on down the road. It hurts like hell for a very long time. I read Maggie Smith's book and talk to others about how there is more than one type of loss and grief in a divorce...there's the loss of the marriage and the loss of the memories of what you thought during the marriage. Everything gets tainted and confusing and it takes a very long time to recover. It's imperative to really know your partner and that this is a good fit before taking that leap.
Thanks for this intriguing essay, Ilona. I've now read it twice. I think often of the marriages and long-term partners around me, and the whole "pairing" thing is so complex! As a nature lover, it helps me to compare us to creatures. Some mate for life. Some mate and then the male flies off and same next year. As for who is happy and who is just enduring? I just had lunch with a dear friend whose husband puts her down in front of others. They've been married forever; he's cheated on her more than once. She would never think of leaving. Another beloved lifelong friend is also married to a guy who puts her down in front of others. Both these women are brilliant, successful, way more than their husbands by far! In therapy, one husband says he feels "insecure." My own parents were married 65 years, and I grew up to the cadence of their voices in non-stop conversation. Another case where Mom's IQ was off the charts. Dad was brilliant too, but Mom taught me early to "never let a man think your'e more intelligent. Ask questions." She called him "Captain" and didn't intervene when he was violent with some of his six kids. Again, thanks for the great topic.
I went into my first marriage knowing I was making a HUGE mistake, but I stuck it out for 4 years anyway. He later turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic, and I thank God all the time that I got out when I did. There are no medals at the end for staying in a crappy marriage.
I can imagine it is terrible to find oneself in a very unhappy marriage, but one needs to be careful not to imagine that everyone else is the same as oneself. I have a truly happy marriage of 60 years and it is NOT me putting on a show - and I have a number of friends who seem to be in the same situation. My husband and are the closest of friends, we talk all the time about anything and everything because we learn constantly from each other and we laugh a lot in the course of the day. And this is not to mention the intimacy and joy from a continuing sexual relationship. It's not hard work, it is a constant pleasure. See https://arichardson.substack.com/p/celebrating-our-sixtieth-wedding
Thanks for this Ilona. I am so blessed to have had parents who actually loved and respected each other which gave me a firm foundation for life. It didn't ensure I wouldn't go through the slings and arrows of life but at least I had a firm ground to stand on. If my parents would have had a challenging marriage, I would be a different person than I am today. I would have been heart broken if there was animosity or hostility. Children feel the dishonesty... think what that sets them up for in life. To my mind, it's healthier for the children to have two parents that may be separate but happier and healthier because they honoured their happiness.