My mom was married twice before she met my dad. I realize now it was a testament to courage on both sides—that she should try again, and that he should throw his lot in with a woman who, in the language of the mid-20th century, “had failed” twice before. They married after knowing each other two months, and remained devotedly and happily married for the next. 60 years.
I was in a toxic relationship for 11 years but in the end we managed to separate in a good way. We are still friends, I know and like his now wife and a little while ago he apologized in a heartfelt way for how he had treated me years ago. He is not a bad man, we were just not good together. We were in a co-dependent relationship we should have left much much sooner. We stayed together for all the wrong reasons.
After it ended I wrote out a list of all the things I would never ever want and all the things I would like in a man. It kept me out of throwing myself into another similar situation. I can't take those difficult years back but I'm grateful for what I learnt and for the past 20 years I have been in a loving and mutually respectful relationship that is so different. It's good to know that something else is possible too.
Thank you for sharing your story, Biggi. I had a similar dynamic with my first husband. You were so wise to flesh out those things that you wanted and didn't want. Putting them out there led your current partner to you.
“Marriage is not merely a test of endurance; it's a daily practice of patience, compassion, and authenticity. And in that daily struggle, true courage resides. So here's to the brave souls who dare to choose themselves, even when it's the hardest thing they've ever done.”
So true Ilona (and you know I've got stories to tell about this subject!). I know very, very few role models for a happy marriage. Most are just enduring it, and you can tell by how they talk to each other whenever they are together. As a therapist, I try to help women who are thinking of marriage but complaining about their relationship to really think about what that would be like to untangle it later on down the road. It hurts like hell for a very long time. I read Maggie Smith's book and talk to others about how there is more than one type of loss and grief in a divorce...there's the loss of the marriage and the loss of the memories of what you thought during the marriage. Everything gets tainted and confusing and it takes a very long time to recover. It's imperative to really know your partner and that this is a good fit before taking that leap.
I did not go into the marriage healthy emotionally, and I was half the equation in our marriage. Like attracts like. Divorce is gutting, and I don't believe people divorce willy nilly. It's a huge deal, and like you said, you feel consequences for decades. Thanks for your insightful response, Linda!
I seem to be the only guy here. Hope that is OK :)
Good letter! Agreed! I am witness to many endlessly miserable partnerships that people maintain - why? Habit? Lazy? Fear of loneliness? There are people who stay together despite the fights because that's what they know. It's actually their comfort zone to be in conflict continuously or periodically.
I am on marriage number 4. Long term relationship number 5. Not proud of it. But I finally found the person I dreamed of as a kid. Marriage one was a rash decision by two immature kids who grew away from each other. We remained friends. Number two was lust. Short term. Number three was about fifteen years lonnnggg. I put up with the dysfunction in part because I felt that I wasn't trying hard enough. After all, this was number three! What's wrong with me? The answer was nothing - I had married someone who was incapable of true intimacy and her parental role models were awful.
And then, and then, I reconnected with someone I considered to be a friend for over a decade. As a single guy I now viewed her with new and different interest. Aside from the strong physical attraction, I just loved talking with her. Same values, same feelings about trust and how we should treat each other and the Earth. Wow. It took me 50 years and many lessons, but here I am, happy as a clam. (What a ridiculous expression!)
Have I encountered worthy role models for marriage? Yes. My parents. They met in WWII Italy. The horrors they experienced were rarely spoken of - but I believe it gave them a bond and an appreciation for life. The word I would use for them is devotion. And my wife reminds me of my Mom.
I hate weddings. At least half of the marriages will fail. People get drunk, dance and some fool around with the wrong people. Mostly, they are an excuse to party and misbehave. Just like business trips and conventions away from home. Sometimes you want to take the bride aside and say "what are you thinking??!!" I would prefer to attend a marriage celebration of being happy after 10 years of commitment. That would make more sense to me. What do you think?
I like your idea, Bill. It could go along with a recommitment ceremony for the next year. Also, a short survey to see if both parties are still in alignment. I may sound very technical, but I wonder if an annual evaluation (is this still working for me and for you?) would bring more awareness and respect to the relationship. If there weren't kids involved, I think partnerships would evolve naturally. I have changed SO much since I was 20, and continuously throughout the years. The key is finding someone whose journey flows alongside yours.
Thanks for this intriguing essay, Ilona. I've now read it twice. I think often of the marriages and long-term partners around me, and the whole "pairing" thing is so complex! As a nature lover, it helps me to compare us to creatures. Some mate for life. Some mate and then the male flies off and same next year. As for who is happy and who is just enduring? I just had lunch with a dear friend whose husband puts her down in front of others. They've been married forever; he's cheated on her more than once. She would never think of leaving. Another beloved lifelong friend is also married to a guy who puts her down in front of others. Both these women are brilliant, successful, way more than their husbands by far! In therapy, one husband says he feels "insecure." My own parents were married 65 years, and I grew up to the cadence of their voices in non-stop conversation. Another case where Mom's IQ was off the charts. Dad was brilliant too, but Mom taught me early to "never let a man think your'e more intelligent. Ask questions." She called him "Captain" and didn't intervene when he was violent with some of his six kids. Again, thanks for the great topic.
I love your analogy of couples in nature. Sometimes people are together just for a season. And again, you're right, the pairing thing is complex. People often think one member of the couple could do better than their current partner. Somehow it works for them as they are having their needs met. Who knows what really goes on behind closed doors! Thanks for reading (2x!!!) and your thoughtful comment.
I went into my first marriage knowing I was making a HUGE mistake, but I stuck it out for 4 years anyway. He later turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic, and I thank God all the time that I got out when I did. There are no medals at the end for staying in a crappy marriage.
I can imagine it is terrible to find oneself in a very unhappy marriage, but one needs to be careful not to imagine that everyone else is the same as oneself. I have a truly happy marriage of 60 years and it is NOT me putting on a show - and I have a number of friends who seem to be in the same situation. My husband and are the closest of friends, we talk all the time about anything and everything because we learn constantly from each other and we laugh a lot in the course of the day. And this is not to mention the intimacy and joy from a continuing sexual relationship. It's not hard work, it is a constant pleasure. See https://arichardson.substack.com/p/celebrating-our-sixtieth-wedding
Yes, I know there are happy marriages, and seeing one in particular from a distance made me yearn for the same. It is possible, and I am much happier now in my second marriage. The role models are few here in my world. Had I seen them growing up, I might have picked better.
I could see you were in a good place with your husband from our interview and from reading your writings. I'm very happy for your, Ann!
Thanks for this Ilona. I am so blessed to have had parents who actually loved and respected each other which gave me a firm foundation for life. It didn't ensure I wouldn't go through the slings and arrows of life but at least I had a firm ground to stand on. If my parents would have had a challenging marriage, I would be a different person than I am today. I would have been heart broken if there was animosity or hostility. Children feel the dishonesty... think what that sets them up for in life. To my mind, it's healthier for the children to have two parents that may be separate but happier and healthier because they honoured their happiness.
Yes, I believe that I would be a different person, if I hadn't had such a tumultous upbringing. It can make all the difference on how one approaches the world. You always have such a positive and loving outlook, and I'm sure you learned that from them.
My mom was married twice before she met my dad. I realize now it was a testament to courage on both sides—that she should try again, and that he should throw his lot in with a woman who, in the language of the mid-20th century, “had failed” twice before. They married after knowing each other two months, and remained devotedly and happily married for the next. 60 years.
What an inspiration to have her for a mom! I love that she dared to be true to herself.
That is an inspiring story!
I was in a toxic relationship for 11 years but in the end we managed to separate in a good way. We are still friends, I know and like his now wife and a little while ago he apologized in a heartfelt way for how he had treated me years ago. He is not a bad man, we were just not good together. We were in a co-dependent relationship we should have left much much sooner. We stayed together for all the wrong reasons.
After it ended I wrote out a list of all the things I would never ever want and all the things I would like in a man. It kept me out of throwing myself into another similar situation. I can't take those difficult years back but I'm grateful for what I learnt and for the past 20 years I have been in a loving and mutually respectful relationship that is so different. It's good to know that something else is possible too.
Thank you for sharing your story, Biggi. I had a similar dynamic with my first husband. You were so wise to flesh out those things that you wanted and didn't want. Putting them out there led your current partner to you.
“Marriage is not merely a test of endurance; it's a daily practice of patience, compassion, and authenticity. And in that daily struggle, true courage resides. So here's to the brave souls who dare to choose themselves, even when it's the hardest thing they've ever done.”
It is!
Appreciate you, dear Corie 🤍 You embody those three things so beautifully.
Thank you!!! 🙏🏻
So true Ilona (and you know I've got stories to tell about this subject!). I know very, very few role models for a happy marriage. Most are just enduring it, and you can tell by how they talk to each other whenever they are together. As a therapist, I try to help women who are thinking of marriage but complaining about their relationship to really think about what that would be like to untangle it later on down the road. It hurts like hell for a very long time. I read Maggie Smith's book and talk to others about how there is more than one type of loss and grief in a divorce...there's the loss of the marriage and the loss of the memories of what you thought during the marriage. Everything gets tainted and confusing and it takes a very long time to recover. It's imperative to really know your partner and that this is a good fit before taking that leap.
I did not go into the marriage healthy emotionally, and I was half the equation in our marriage. Like attracts like. Divorce is gutting, and I don't believe people divorce willy nilly. It's a huge deal, and like you said, you feel consequences for decades. Thanks for your insightful response, Linda!
I seem to be the only guy here. Hope that is OK :)
Good letter! Agreed! I am witness to many endlessly miserable partnerships that people maintain - why? Habit? Lazy? Fear of loneliness? There are people who stay together despite the fights because that's what they know. It's actually their comfort zone to be in conflict continuously or periodically.
I am on marriage number 4. Long term relationship number 5. Not proud of it. But I finally found the person I dreamed of as a kid. Marriage one was a rash decision by two immature kids who grew away from each other. We remained friends. Number two was lust. Short term. Number three was about fifteen years lonnnggg. I put up with the dysfunction in part because I felt that I wasn't trying hard enough. After all, this was number three! What's wrong with me? The answer was nothing - I had married someone who was incapable of true intimacy and her parental role models were awful.
And then, and then, I reconnected with someone I considered to be a friend for over a decade. As a single guy I now viewed her with new and different interest. Aside from the strong physical attraction, I just loved talking with her. Same values, same feelings about trust and how we should treat each other and the Earth. Wow. It took me 50 years and many lessons, but here I am, happy as a clam. (What a ridiculous expression!)
Have I encountered worthy role models for marriage? Yes. My parents. They met in WWII Italy. The horrors they experienced were rarely spoken of - but I believe it gave them a bond and an appreciation for life. The word I would use for them is devotion. And my wife reminds me of my Mom.
I hate weddings. At least half of the marriages will fail. People get drunk, dance and some fool around with the wrong people. Mostly, they are an excuse to party and misbehave. Just like business trips and conventions away from home. Sometimes you want to take the bride aside and say "what are you thinking??!!" I would prefer to attend a marriage celebration of being happy after 10 years of commitment. That would make more sense to me. What do you think?
I like your idea, Bill. It could go along with a recommitment ceremony for the next year. Also, a short survey to see if both parties are still in alignment. I may sound very technical, but I wonder if an annual evaluation (is this still working for me and for you?) would bring more awareness and respect to the relationship. If there weren't kids involved, I think partnerships would evolve naturally. I have changed SO much since I was 20, and continuously throughout the years. The key is finding someone whose journey flows alongside yours.
I was first married at 20. In four years, I barely recognized myself let alone my wife.
We have annual "reviews" in our jobs...why not relationships?
When I conducted those, I would be direct - but also laud and appreciate their accomplishments. And then there is goal setting...all good stuff.
Glad you are thriving in your current relationship, Bill.
Thanks for this intriguing essay, Ilona. I've now read it twice. I think often of the marriages and long-term partners around me, and the whole "pairing" thing is so complex! As a nature lover, it helps me to compare us to creatures. Some mate for life. Some mate and then the male flies off and same next year. As for who is happy and who is just enduring? I just had lunch with a dear friend whose husband puts her down in front of others. They've been married forever; he's cheated on her more than once. She would never think of leaving. Another beloved lifelong friend is also married to a guy who puts her down in front of others. Both these women are brilliant, successful, way more than their husbands by far! In therapy, one husband says he feels "insecure." My own parents were married 65 years, and I grew up to the cadence of their voices in non-stop conversation. Another case where Mom's IQ was off the charts. Dad was brilliant too, but Mom taught me early to "never let a man think your'e more intelligent. Ask questions." She called him "Captain" and didn't intervene when he was violent with some of his six kids. Again, thanks for the great topic.
I love your analogy of couples in nature. Sometimes people are together just for a season. And again, you're right, the pairing thing is complex. People often think one member of the couple could do better than their current partner. Somehow it works for them as they are having their needs met. Who knows what really goes on behind closed doors! Thanks for reading (2x!!!) and your thoughtful comment.
I went into my first marriage knowing I was making a HUGE mistake, but I stuck it out for 4 years anyway. He later turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic, and I thank God all the time that I got out when I did. There are no medals at the end for staying in a crappy marriage.
Thanks for sharing, Kristy. No medals, but plenty of scars!
I can imagine it is terrible to find oneself in a very unhappy marriage, but one needs to be careful not to imagine that everyone else is the same as oneself. I have a truly happy marriage of 60 years and it is NOT me putting on a show - and I have a number of friends who seem to be in the same situation. My husband and are the closest of friends, we talk all the time about anything and everything because we learn constantly from each other and we laugh a lot in the course of the day. And this is not to mention the intimacy and joy from a continuing sexual relationship. It's not hard work, it is a constant pleasure. See https://arichardson.substack.com/p/celebrating-our-sixtieth-wedding
Yes, I know there are happy marriages, and seeing one in particular from a distance made me yearn for the same. It is possible, and I am much happier now in my second marriage. The role models are few here in my world. Had I seen them growing up, I might have picked better.
I could see you were in a good place with your husband from our interview and from reading your writings. I'm very happy for your, Ann!
Thanks for this Ilona. I am so blessed to have had parents who actually loved and respected each other which gave me a firm foundation for life. It didn't ensure I wouldn't go through the slings and arrows of life but at least I had a firm ground to stand on. If my parents would have had a challenging marriage, I would be a different person than I am today. I would have been heart broken if there was animosity or hostility. Children feel the dishonesty... think what that sets them up for in life. To my mind, it's healthier for the children to have two parents that may be separate but happier and healthier because they honoured their happiness.
Yes, I believe that I would be a different person, if I hadn't had such a tumultous upbringing. It can make all the difference on how one approaches the world. You always have such a positive and loving outlook, and I'm sure you learned that from them.