Death, especially here in the States, is such a mystery, and we are not prepared for it. Even when I knew my mom was dying, I wasn't prepared for it. I think we have protective mechanisms that help us through these times (like you being on the phone, not understanding his time was so close). It's part of the grief process that's called denial. It's a natural phenomenon that helps us process our grief gradually. I still think about some of the things I thought and even said out loud when my mother was dying, and I feel a little foolish and naive, but I also know the "why."
Some people handle it beautifully and are so present. I think my telephone conversation was a way to dissociate, as you say, a protective mechanism. I didn't believe it was happening to me or my father. The death of our parents is a looming, often feared, reality especially as they age, and it's difficult to deal with unless we are rooted in the understanding of impermanence. I have a better grasp of this from my yoga training.
I think it's imperative to teach people what it's like to be with and witness the path of a dying person. Education will eradicate much of the fear we place around death, especially our own. Thanks for reading, Martha.
Thank you, Trish. My father died 12 years ago, although writing this reminded me of that moment and the grief feels fresh again. I hope you can participate next week! I'm looking forward to it.
What a heart touching story, Illona. My father went like this and I was bewildered like you even though we kind of knew that he was not coming home from the nursing home. I don't want to do that to my children. I will be listening to your Live. Provided it at a time I am awake.
I think the first death we experience up close and personal is an education. I appreciate your intent to be on the Live, but understand if sleep wins the battle (as it should). The Live will be recorded, so you won't miss anything.
Beautiful homage, Lolo, what a good husband and dad. Well said too, about the first experience being an education. I called it an initiation into a terrible club in which we don’t want to be a member. 💔
Thanks, Lolo. You’re right—no one wants to be a part of that club. But if you live and love well, you undoubtedly will be. Know you are in good company and can be a support to the newly initiated.
Such parallels Ilona. I was 53 as I sat next to my dad as he took his last breath in the hospital ICU. Made it through aneurysm surgery. Tough guy. Then couldn’t breathe on his own. Even as an RN who had watched so many patients die, watching your dad take his last breath is so different. Left to take care of mom. And you know that story. Death doulas are wonderful.
"The vocabulary of the dying." There are languages we think we know only to learn in the moment that we have a very real inability to communicate.
There is so much we hide from each other and ourselves as it relates to death. Of course, it's understandable. It's scary and often painful and reminds us of our own mortality. But sometimes I wish we as a culture chose to be less afraid of death or at least attempted to be less afraid. Or taught how to approach the idea of it in a healthier more wholistic way. Despite all of the advantages of modern medicine, the cold, clinical experience of death in an institution feels unnatural for an event that is 100% natural.
Thank you for sharing this very private moment, Ilona.
Yes, the body knows how to be born, likewise it knows how to die. I didn't know what to expect, and I think it's because of the shield of silence people put around it. No one talks about their experience with it, perhaps because they don't want to make people uncomfortable. The medical community isn't forthcoming either. I chose to share this because it's important to know what to expect, even as each dying person's process is different.
Ilona, thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your parents' lives. Your father was a rare and beautiful man. Both your mother and you were fortunate to have him and they were fortunate to have you. As far as waiting to have a health checkup, your father was no different from a lot of men. They either don't go for one or it's too late when they do. I was present for both my parents 's death (though very tragic , for my father) and I was alone with my mother at the hospital when my aunt and uncle arrived in the room and my aunt started to tell me of my cousin's death (her son) by suicide. Suddenly, my uncle who was silent during that time turned to me and said 'Your mother just died.'. I was in shock and I felt terrible and guilty that I was listening to my aunt instead of holding my mother's hand and watching over her. I still think about that and I find it upsetting. I am so grateful to the Social Worker who told me not to return home while the Head Nurse was telling me to leave as she felt that there was no purpose in me staying. That happened the day before my mother died. I am so grateful that I stayed instead of leaving as I Iive in another province (6 hours away). Ilona, no matter what, we are never ready. I miss my parents daily. May 9th was my mother 's birthday and May 10th was one of my best friend death's anniversary and also Mother's Day. Very difficult weekend. Looking forward to the podcast. I recommend books by Katy Butler : The Art of Dying Well and Knocking on Heaven's Door. I didn't have those books at the time but found them useful afterwards. Having said that I still feel that nothing prepares us when facing the death of a loved one. A book doesn't have emotions but humans do. I am very grateful to you for providing us with resources and giving us a way to share our pain and grief.❤
I think we share the same guilt of not being present for the moment of transition. I feel upset about being on the phone, too. I almost think the dying person wants to do an Irish exit, if you've heard that phrase. It means to sneak out the back door so the person doesn't have to say goodbye.
All three of those dates colliding in the span of a few days is a lot on a beautiful sensitive soul like you, Yvonne. Thank you for sharing your experience, the book recommendation (I'm starting a list!), and for being a part of this Substack community. It means a lot.
Linda is right, the U.S. has a weird and unsettling issue with death. It seems a mystery because we are so enthralled with the healthy and unencumbered concept of youth. So, of course, we are unprepared for what death does do our mental and physical self. Instead of thoughtfully treasuring the moments left and preparing for what comes next, we waste time wallowing in our grief before the actual death of our loved ones. I am as guilty as the next person.
This was a poignant and heartfelt account of what you went through, I feel it in my heart. I have been there.
Yes, youth, eating well and looking good is our national obsession. No one wants to look old, because that would mean you're nearing the end of your lifespan. There is a real fear around that, and sometimes i get caught up in it, too.
Have you heard the phrase "anticipatory grief"? I think that's what your describing.
Your remark reminds me that there is a real disconnect between the medical community and the patient when it comes to talking about death. They only tell you the bad news, and then it's up to you and your family to cope. That's why I invited Kacie to talk about navigating this terrain in an intelligent and humanistic way.
Ilona, my first experience with death was my father. My sister and I sat vigil at his bedside with my Mom. I think it’s important to point out now that I have laid all four parents to rest and my spouse, that no one death experience is alike. My father-in-law passed quickly and unexpectedly, no one there but his wife. My father lingered a bit in home hospice care, and then provided us with an amazing experience at the end, where he lifted his hands, and said they’ve come for me. My mother suffered a long and difficult death, with the sounds you talk about when you refer to your father, My husband’s time came almost as though we didn’t expect it, much the same as you described. I was right beside him. You were on the phone. I was napping as I could, and then he was gone, albeit peacefully. No matter how much we prepare for death, there just aren’t similarities. I will look forward to hearing what the Doula has to say and thank you for sharing.
I agree it is important to recognize that no two death experiences are alike. Your father’s transition sounds like it was a positive experience for your family. My mother-in-law told my sister-in-law (I wasn’t there) that she was going dancing with Ed (her late husband) right before she died, which made me glad.
I guess you feel regretful that you were napping, but I wonder if your husband might have preferred it that way.
Thanks for sharing your powerful experience with your Dad's death, Ilona. It brought back memories of my own denial and of walking through the death journey with both my folks. At the recommendation of a Substack friend, I recently read Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul by Stephen Jenkinson. It's not an easy read, but I found it very insightful.
Thanks for the book rec. I have a pile on my desk, including “A Beginner’s Guide to Dying,” by Simon Boas. It’s one of the topics i like to dive deep on. I will check it out.
I was privileged to be with my Mom ( and most of my living siblings) when she died. It sounds similar to your Dad’s but we were expecting it as she had been clearly failing for several days. In fact, she seemed to have been waiting for our permission to leave and did when my sister gave it to her. But as you say, the physical aspects of death are not something we are prepared for. Aging and death are just pretty much topics no one wants to discuss. Strangely, I’ve always been fascinated by the topics.
It must have been overwhelming for you to have things happen so fast with your Dad. I’m sorry.
I’ve also been fascinated with death, Donna. I’m not sure when my interest started, but I use this newsletter to discuss some of the things related to it. As is my nature, I want people to be upfront about it, so it’s not so mysterious. I could have also used some support from the medical community with both of my parents. Oddly, it just wasn’t there at either time. My mom died during COVID in a nursing home. It really was a terrible time, as i was allowed in wearing a Tyvek suit.
I lost my mom to lung cancer when she was only 58. Hospice was a godsend but I, as a 33 year old was so utterly unprepared for her passing. When my dad passed almost 10 years ago, also from cancer, hospice, again a godsend but still very, very difficult to process the final moments with someone. We, in the western world, do not approach death as other cultures, and for that I think we are missing out. From the day we are born, we are ‘dying’. I have a friend studying to be a death doula, and I hope to make your session next week. The more we know and can share with others, the more accepting death might be.
Death, especially here in the States, is such a mystery, and we are not prepared for it. Even when I knew my mom was dying, I wasn't prepared for it. I think we have protective mechanisms that help us through these times (like you being on the phone, not understanding his time was so close). It's part of the grief process that's called denial. It's a natural phenomenon that helps us process our grief gradually. I still think about some of the things I thought and even said out loud when my mother was dying, and I feel a little foolish and naive, but I also know the "why."
Some people handle it beautifully and are so present. I think my telephone conversation was a way to dissociate, as you say, a protective mechanism. I didn't believe it was happening to me or my father. The death of our parents is a looming, often feared, reality especially as they age, and it's difficult to deal with unless we are rooted in the understanding of impermanence. I have a better grasp of this from my yoga training.
Agree!
I’m so sorry you went through this without knowing what to expect. Thank you for helping others. ❤️
I think it's imperative to teach people what it's like to be with and witness the path of a dying person. Education will eradicate much of the fear we place around death, especially our own. Thanks for reading, Martha.
I'm so sorry for your loss Ilona. I will try to be there next week. Thank you in advance for this valuable message.
Thank you, Trish. My father died 12 years ago, although writing this reminded me of that moment and the grief feels fresh again. I hope you can participate next week! I'm looking forward to it.
What a heart touching story, Illona. My father went like this and I was bewildered like you even though we kind of knew that he was not coming home from the nursing home. I don't want to do that to my children. I will be listening to your Live. Provided it at a time I am awake.
I think the first death we experience up close and personal is an education. I appreciate your intent to be on the Live, but understand if sleep wins the battle (as it should). The Live will be recorded, so you won't miss anything.
Beautiful homage, Lolo, what a good husband and dad. Well said too, about the first experience being an education. I called it an initiation into a terrible club in which we don’t want to be a member. 💔
Thanks, Lolo. You’re right—no one wants to be a part of that club. But if you live and love well, you undoubtedly will be. Know you are in good company and can be a support to the newly initiated.
Hi,
My book club read "The Book of Two Ways" by Jodi Picoult. You may find it interesting!
Thanks Cathy! I will check it out.
Each story is unique and painful. Both you and Kacie were completely illuminating.
Thank you, Lisa 🩷
Such parallels Ilona. I was 53 as I sat next to my dad as he took his last breath in the hospital ICU. Made it through aneurysm surgery. Tough guy. Then couldn’t breathe on his own. Even as an RN who had watched so many patients die, watching your dad take his last breath is so different. Left to take care of mom. And you know that story. Death doulas are wonderful.
You get it, Jan. Wow, I didn't know we have so much in common. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
"The vocabulary of the dying." There are languages we think we know only to learn in the moment that we have a very real inability to communicate.
There is so much we hide from each other and ourselves as it relates to death. Of course, it's understandable. It's scary and often painful and reminds us of our own mortality. But sometimes I wish we as a culture chose to be less afraid of death or at least attempted to be less afraid. Or taught how to approach the idea of it in a healthier more wholistic way. Despite all of the advantages of modern medicine, the cold, clinical experience of death in an institution feels unnatural for an event that is 100% natural.
Thank you for sharing this very private moment, Ilona.
Yes, the body knows how to be born, likewise it knows how to die. I didn't know what to expect, and I think it's because of the shield of silence people put around it. No one talks about their experience with it, perhaps because they don't want to make people uncomfortable. The medical community isn't forthcoming either. I chose to share this because it's important to know what to expect, even as each dying person's process is different.
Ilona, thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your parents' lives. Your father was a rare and beautiful man. Both your mother and you were fortunate to have him and they were fortunate to have you. As far as waiting to have a health checkup, your father was no different from a lot of men. They either don't go for one or it's too late when they do. I was present for both my parents 's death (though very tragic , for my father) and I was alone with my mother at the hospital when my aunt and uncle arrived in the room and my aunt started to tell me of my cousin's death (her son) by suicide. Suddenly, my uncle who was silent during that time turned to me and said 'Your mother just died.'. I was in shock and I felt terrible and guilty that I was listening to my aunt instead of holding my mother's hand and watching over her. I still think about that and I find it upsetting. I am so grateful to the Social Worker who told me not to return home while the Head Nurse was telling me to leave as she felt that there was no purpose in me staying. That happened the day before my mother died. I am so grateful that I stayed instead of leaving as I Iive in another province (6 hours away). Ilona, no matter what, we are never ready. I miss my parents daily. May 9th was my mother 's birthday and May 10th was one of my best friend death's anniversary and also Mother's Day. Very difficult weekend. Looking forward to the podcast. I recommend books by Katy Butler : The Art of Dying Well and Knocking on Heaven's Door. I didn't have those books at the time but found them useful afterwards. Having said that I still feel that nothing prepares us when facing the death of a loved one. A book doesn't have emotions but humans do. I am very grateful to you for providing us with resources and giving us a way to share our pain and grief.❤
I think we share the same guilt of not being present for the moment of transition. I feel upset about being on the phone, too. I almost think the dying person wants to do an Irish exit, if you've heard that phrase. It means to sneak out the back door so the person doesn't have to say goodbye.
All three of those dates colliding in the span of a few days is a lot on a beautiful sensitive soul like you, Yvonne. Thank you for sharing your experience, the book recommendation (I'm starting a list!), and for being a part of this Substack community. It means a lot.
Ilona, thank you so much for your kind comment.
Linda is right, the U.S. has a weird and unsettling issue with death. It seems a mystery because we are so enthralled with the healthy and unencumbered concept of youth. So, of course, we are unprepared for what death does do our mental and physical self. Instead of thoughtfully treasuring the moments left and preparing for what comes next, we waste time wallowing in our grief before the actual death of our loved ones. I am as guilty as the next person.
This was a poignant and heartfelt account of what you went through, I feel it in my heart. I have been there.
Yes, youth, eating well and looking good is our national obsession. No one wants to look old, because that would mean you're nearing the end of your lifespan. There is a real fear around that, and sometimes i get caught up in it, too.
Have you heard the phrase "anticipatory grief"? I think that's what your describing.
Your remark reminds me that there is a real disconnect between the medical community and the patient when it comes to talking about death. They only tell you the bad news, and then it's up to you and your family to cope. That's why I invited Kacie to talk about navigating this terrain in an intelligent and humanistic way.
Ilona, my first experience with death was my father. My sister and I sat vigil at his bedside with my Mom. I think it’s important to point out now that I have laid all four parents to rest and my spouse, that no one death experience is alike. My father-in-law passed quickly and unexpectedly, no one there but his wife. My father lingered a bit in home hospice care, and then provided us with an amazing experience at the end, where he lifted his hands, and said they’ve come for me. My mother suffered a long and difficult death, with the sounds you talk about when you refer to your father, My husband’s time came almost as though we didn’t expect it, much the same as you described. I was right beside him. You were on the phone. I was napping as I could, and then he was gone, albeit peacefully. No matter how much we prepare for death, there just aren’t similarities. I will look forward to hearing what the Doula has to say and thank you for sharing.
I agree it is important to recognize that no two death experiences are alike. Your father’s transition sounds like it was a positive experience for your family. My mother-in-law told my sister-in-law (I wasn’t there) that she was going dancing with Ed (her late husband) right before she died, which made me glad.
I guess you feel regretful that you were napping, but I wonder if your husband might have preferred it that way.
These are the things we are left to ponder, aren’t they?
Yes, definitely.
Thanks for sharing your powerful experience with your Dad's death, Ilona. It brought back memories of my own denial and of walking through the death journey with both my folks. At the recommendation of a Substack friend, I recently read Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul by Stephen Jenkinson. It's not an easy read, but I found it very insightful.
Thanks for the book rec. I have a pile on my desk, including “A Beginner’s Guide to Dying,” by Simon Boas. It’s one of the topics i like to dive deep on. I will check it out.
I’ve not heard of that book, Ilona. I’ll try to make your next Live.
I was privileged to be with my Mom ( and most of my living siblings) when she died. It sounds similar to your Dad’s but we were expecting it as she had been clearly failing for several days. In fact, she seemed to have been waiting for our permission to leave and did when my sister gave it to her. But as you say, the physical aspects of death are not something we are prepared for. Aging and death are just pretty much topics no one wants to discuss. Strangely, I’ve always been fascinated by the topics.
It must have been overwhelming for you to have things happen so fast with your Dad. I’m sorry.
Looking forward to the discussion.
I’ve also been fascinated with death, Donna. I’m not sure when my interest started, but I use this newsletter to discuss some of the things related to it. As is my nature, I want people to be upfront about it, so it’s not so mysterious. I could have also used some support from the medical community with both of my parents. Oddly, it just wasn’t there at either time. My mom died during COVID in a nursing home. It really was a terrible time, as i was allowed in wearing a Tyvek suit.
I’m so sorry
I lost my mom to lung cancer when she was only 58. Hospice was a godsend but I, as a 33 year old was so utterly unprepared for her passing. When my dad passed almost 10 years ago, also from cancer, hospice, again a godsend but still very, very difficult to process the final moments with someone. We, in the western world, do not approach death as other cultures, and for that I think we are missing out. From the day we are born, we are ‘dying’. I have a friend studying to be a death doula, and I hope to make your session next week. The more we know and can share with others, the more accepting death might be.