How To Stay Steady When Facing a Loved One’s Suffering

You already have the skills you need.

Every person reading this has experienced and witnessed suffering.

Life guarantees we will get a front-row seat to another person's suffering at some point. I'm writing this post because I have a friend who is going through some things right now. None of us want to see her suffer, but it is happening anyway, and we must get through it in the best way possible.

You might not think you’re good at it, but you can improve.

The first time I witnessed intense suffering up close was in my late twenties when I was pregnant with my first child. I was beyond excited, as first-time mothers are. I was reveling in my baby bump with every flutter and kick of my little girl. I'd longed to be pregnant and was thrilled when it was finally my turn.

But while I was celebrating, a family living just two doors down on our city block was experiencing a nightmare. Their seven-year-old was dying. After years of cancer treatments, PJ was in his final days.

Since birth, he'd looked like an angel that'd fallen straight from heaven with his big blue eyes and downy white hair.

Now he was bedbound and withering away.

In the morning, I'd wake up happy and excited, but as soon as I stepped outside to get in my car, I felt the sorrow pouring out of that house, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Even though I hadn't given birth, I could imagine myself in his mother's shoes and what it must feel like.

It seemed wrong to feel immense joy while simultaneously feeling so much sadness. How could both coexist? I felt guilty that my neighbors were about to lose their youngest while I celebrated the start of a new life.

Being pregnant magnified everything I felt, from empathy to sadness, helplessness, and guilt. I hate to admit this, but I was also mad that their sadness was leaking into what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life.

Being so young, I didn't have the emotional depth or breadth to be with or support PJ's family.

Since then, life has given me more unwanted experiences in the how-to-handle-suffering department.

Because of yoga, you have skills.

The skills are so basic that you, including newbie yoga students, can build this muscle with every practice.

Staying in an asana or pose longer than you would like is one way to build resilience to discomfort. When every fiber in you tells you to "jump ship," but you hang in there just a few seconds longer, you've acquired stamina that you can use in everyday emotional experiences.

Besides stamina, yoga gives us another tool—breath awareness.

When you shift your focus from your bodily sensations to your breath, you increase your ability to hang in when things get tough even more.

Doing something as simple as box breathing adds another level to your adversity tolerance. Box breathing means breathing to a count of four, holding for four, exhaling for four, and holding four. Then begin the cycle over again.

By staying and breathing, whether in asana or meditation, you can work on your mind and cultivate a sense of detachment from discomfort. Detachment is a skill that comes in handy when dealing with temper tantrums from your two-year-old grandkid or 52-year-old boss.

Keeping your cool when others are losing it is a superpower.

Imagine an ER doctor who navigates life-and-death situations each day. They can't stay emotionally or physically bound to one patient, or they will be unable to help their next patient. Their ability to successfully self-regulate and move on is essential to doing their job.

You can do this, too.

The next time you're in a situation where you can't do anything to help a loved remember these steps:

Notice the discomfort you're feeling. If you can’t alleviate their suffering, stay steady and breathe. Be calm and shift to witnessing and being fully present.

As a compassionate witness, you are not trying to fix the problem or offer advice but instead offering emotional support and validation while helping the person feel heard and understood.

Your behavior will have a positive impact on your loved one.

Keep up with your yoga practice. Its impact is so much bigger than you can imagine.

PRACTICE THIS: Put your phone on silent. Set the timer for five minutes and sit quietly. Focus on your inhale and exhale, and the spaces in between. Every time a thought enters, imagine your loved one is nearby and send them positive thoughts. Then focus back on your breath. Keep going!

If you can do this, you are ready to hold space for someone who needs it.