Mandraki Harbor, Rhodes, Greece
Photo by Ilona Goanos
I've been actively working to transform the decades of feeling too unworthy to create. I told myself the lies for so long that I believed them.
I signed up for a beginner's watercolor class to reclaim a part of myself I'd left behind.
Watercolor is painting with water, with a teensy amount of paint mixed in. Now that I know this, I understand why ‘water’ is at the beginning of the word.
It’s my first class. My teacher keeps saying it's WATERcolor - add more water.Â
But I'm giddy.Â
I see all the beautiful paint colors and can't stop spreading their deep richness over the canvas.Â
My first few tries were COLORwater. I could tell I was doing something wrong. I add more water, but honestly, it’s mostly paint. I can’t figure out the right proportion.
The teacher heads my way with an airy, "Let's see how you're doing."
She frowns, "That's not good."Â
She repeats louder, "It's WATERcolor-there's too much paint on here!"
She glances down at me, hand to chest, shaking her head, and declares, "I'm honest."
My expression reveals nothing. I've had a lifetime of hiding what I feel.Â
Her words catapult me back to my old beliefs: I'm not good at this. This is a mistake.
I am frustrated.Â
I don't want to paint anymore.Â
I want to leave.Â
I realize that would be a bad look. I stay put.
She's up at her easel, explaining what is wrong with my painting to the class. She repeats: start in the corner, layer the colors, blah blah blah.
I'm exasperated now. She keeps saying the same words over and over, and my lightbulb stays off.Â
I've paid $140 to be tortured by her. No, this isn't working at all.
From the back of the class, I fire off questions at her.
Why the corner? Why not the middle and move to the edge?
Do you work horizontally or vertically?Â
How much water is the right amount?
Everyone turns to look at me.Â
The teacher is quiet. Her script has been interrupted.Â
I think back to the disruptive kids in school. Maybe they weren't such bad children. Maybe they needed a different approach and couldn’t articulate it.
I feel my power rising. These skills can be taught, and I'm here to learn.
I’m honest, too, teacher. I’ve got both my hands crossed over my heart. I need a different way. Will you learn to teach me?
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready, the teacher will disappear. Tao Te ChingÂ