"Love on the Spectrum" Teaches Us All How To Be in Better Relationships
When Connor's legs buckled after his first kiss, I realized I was watching the most authentic dating show on television.
I already found my Prince Charming, but deep down, I'm still a hopeless romantic at heart. What to do with all that energy?
Netflix makes it easy to nurture this part of myself with its offerings of several match-making shows. The Millionaire Matchmaker started the trend, followed by Indian Matchmakers, Jewish Matchmakers, and The Later Daters. That last one doesn’t show the matchmaker’s face, but the couples get together with the aid of a faceless TV producer.
My favorite by far is a show now in its third season called "Love on the Spectrum."
When you’re on the spectrum, it’s especially difficult to find a partner, and many don’t. This docu-series turns an eye on the challenges faced while also offering compassion and help.
Understanding What Autism Is
When discussing "Love on the Spectrum," it's helpful to understand a few terms. Being "on the autism spectrum" or being autistic means having a neurological difference that affects how a person processes information, communicates, and experiences the world.
The “spectrum" in autism refers to the wide range of differences, challenges, and strengths possessed by each person with autism.
Autism isn't an illness or something to be fixed (despite what Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. might say)—it's simply a different way of being.
"Neurotypical" refers to individuals whose brains process information in ways that society considers standard.
Autistic individuals typically process information literally and communicate directly, without the unspoken social rules and subtle hints that neurotypical people often rely on.
How I Learned About the Autism Spectrum
As a member of the Boomer generation, I didn't go to school with children diagnosed with autism. No one knew what that word meant at the time. In retrospect, now armed with better knowledge, I realize I had several classmates with learning difficulties who probably had ADHD (also not a thing back then) and others who would probably be diagnosed as on the spectrum today.
My first exposure to children with autism and those with an assortment of other medical issues I’d never seen before was when our school hosted a lunch for them. We, the students, were their waiters. No one prepared me for this, and I found myself hiding in the cafeteria kitchen because our guests scared me with their strange expressions and loud vocalizations.
In high school, I decided to become a Special Education teacher. What caused me to transform from a frightened kid to an advocate, I don't recall. My practical father quickly quashed that idea by advising me I'd never make any money if I chose that career. My parents were covering 90% of the cost of a university education, so there was little room for negotiation once my father made the declaration.
Later in life, when I became a yoga teacher in mental health facilities, I taught chair yoga to people with various disabilities, many of whom were on the spectrum. While I spent much of my career earning a decent living in the business field, my work here was by far the most fulfilling.
My adult students were lovely people who enjoyed practicing yoga, even if that only meant sitting still and focusing on their breathing. Many suffered from anxiety, and they were eager to learn about how meditation, breathwork, and stretching could help. They would often tell me how much better they felt afterwards.
I taught them for over a year, and we became close. They appreciated the tools I offered, although they groaned at my corny jokes.
Most of all, they were always so grateful for me and the chance to spend time together.
We shared a connection that transcended our differences. I learned that even though we are different in our neurological wiring, we could connect on a human level.
When COVID-19 closed everything, I lost my job. I still miss my favorite students and hope they are doing well. 💙
The Gift of Authenticity on "Love on the Spectrum"
When I came across "Love on the Spectrum" during the pandemic, I was immediately hooked. The stars of the show reminded me of my students at the behavioral health facility. Most of the group members were single, and many yearned for deeper human connections.
For neurotypicals, finding love is not easy, and for those on the spectrum, it's even more of a maze. Dating is complicated because of a scarcity of opportunities due to their lack of social skills, resources (like finances and transportation), and guides to help them navigate this social terrain.
The fact is, everyone needs love. Click the video ⬇️ to hear their inspiring words about love.
The show's creators and producers, Karina Holden and Cian O'Clery, offer assistance by finding potential matches and providing dating coaches. The show originated in Australia with the same name, which I also watched and recommend.
There is a common thread among all of the cast members. They are, above all else, honest.
They never mask who they are. They don't know how to do that.
WHAT A GIFT!
These beautiful people show us that it's ok to be yourself.
Neurotypical people play games, carefully curate their personalities, delay essential conversations in the hopes of hooking that person first, and end up extending wrong relationships for too long.
The "Love on the Spectrum" (LOTS) stars are direct, sometimes painfully so, and there's no misunderstanding about where their date stands. Their lack of pretense helps them to find their person quicker, but not finding them isn't a worry because they're not afraid to be alone.
Take Madison, for example. American Girl dolls fill her apartment, which might be considered a "red flag" in neurotypical dating. However, for those on the spectrum, it's normal for individuals to become hyper-focused on one thing. Madison is fully aware that she couldn't be with someone who doesn't respect that part of her, and she makes no apologies for it. She carries two of her dolls with her on every date. Not supporting her passion would be a deal breaker.
The LOTS stars enjoy their passions and want someone to share them with. They put all the cards on the table on the first date, peppering their potential partners with direct questions like "Do you have children?" or "Do you love riding trains on Boston's MBTA system?" or "What are your favorite farm animals?"
Then there's Connor, who participated in a speed dating event. After a brief getting-to-know-you period, the dater checks a “yes” or “no” box on a card to indicate whether they would like to get to know this person better. Connor knew he didn't want to spend any more time with the woman he was sitting with, and he checked off "no" while she looked on. Oops! Connor felt bad about it later and learned from the experience. He discovered he wasn't cut out for speed dating and realized that he should be kind when he let people know he wasn't interested.
Connor continued dating and eventually found a woman he was crazy about, going so far as to describe her to his family as a demi-goddess. When Connor shared his first kiss on the lips with Georgie, the experience was so overwhelming that he began shaking and became so dizzy that he had to sit down. This raw display of emotion and physical response to overwhelm is something many neurotypical people work hard to hide. Still, there's a beauty and authenticity in acknowledging how powerful these moments are.
The daters never pull out their cell phones during the date, except when it's time to call their ride. They are very present in their encounters, even if that means awkward silences, and woo boy, there are plenty of those.
Communication is never filtered, but a dating coach guides these young adults on speaking kindly, especially at the end of the date. The coach gave samples of what to say, like:
I've enjoyed our time together. Would you like to go out on another date?
I don't want to date, but would you like to be friends and hang out sometime?
I don't want to go on another date. Thanks for meeting with me, and I wish you the best of luck!
No ambiguity, no ghosting, no problem! Direct communication lets the person know where they stand right away. How generous it is not to string people along.
Authentic Connection in a Lonely World
The LOTS stars remind us that we're ok just the way we are, even with our quirks. We all have them, so why not let our freak flag fly?
To create these deeper connections, the cast of “Love on the Spectrum” reminds us of these six things:
Be yourself always.
Be honest, but kind.
Don’t compromise your values for another person.
Focusing on the person you’re with shows respect.
Stay weird; in fact, celebrate it. You will find your fellow weirdos.
Never give up hope of finding friends or romantic partners—they're out there.
We don't need to be on the autism spectrum to appreciate these lessons. By adjusting our typical approaches to relationships, we might find the authentic connections we seek.
Enjoy this short clip featuring the LOTS gang. ⬇️
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed what you read, please hit the 🤍 and/or leave a comment.
I also watched LOTS and found it fascinating and heartwarming. As a grandmother to a brilliant teen with autism, I enjoy being stretched to stay curious and be inspired by different ways people think and view the world. Your last in the list of hints for finding authentic connection reminded me of an experience I had as someone who issued marriage licenses and performed civil ceremonies in Superior Court. I came into the job shattered by a divorce and convinced I was now "too old" to have anyone choose me (I was divorced because of a husband who liked younger women. I was 34!). Through issuing marriage licenses and performing ceremonies, I saw that no matter what age or personality type, people find their persons. It changed my life.
I was once again appalled by RFK Jr.'s complete lack of genuine knowledge and empathy. What a disgrace.
I've not watched this show, Ilona, but your description and post have brought tears of hope and joy for us all. These lovely humans haven't practiced the art of artifice, and we can all learn from that.
I'm reminded of years ago, during my first encounter with a young man who had Tourette syndrome. I believe it was random that the first time his dad brought him into the shop where I was working as a barber, I was asked to cut his hair. The boy exhibited many of the characteristics, especially swearing loudly. I was taken aback initially. However, he and I made a connection, and for about the next year or so, I worked at that salon and cut his hair. I hope he's well.