The Art of Friendship as We Age: Keep The Old, But Cultivate The New
"Life is nothing without friendship." Cicero
Thanks for all the love from last week’s post about the homeless boy in my neighborhood. A few people cried, and all wished him the very best life possible, even though he seems to be in very unfortunate circumstances now. If you missed the true story, you can read it here.
There have been quite a few new subscribers in the past week. It's so lovely to have you here. Welcome!
It’s my birthday week, so I am taking a week off from writing. I hope you enjoy this post from last winter.
When the Netflix show “Grace and Frankie” came out in 2015, I wasn't ready. Those ladies were old, and after watching the pilot, I, as a young 51-year-old, couldn't relate. The series stars Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin were a full generation ahead of me.
But after reading Jane Fonda's memoir this past summer, I decided to give the show another chance. In their late 70s, Grace (Jane Fonda) and Frankie (Lily Tomlin) are in a caustic relationship, merely tolerating each other because their husbands are law firm partners.
The first episode begins at a pivotal moment in the two couples' lives. For the past twenty years, the husbands have been secret gay lovers and now want to marry each other. The men want to come clean because life is short, and they need divorce to move forward.
With their lives upended Grace and Frankie are thrown into insane circumstances that neither could have imagined. As a result of their divorce settlements, they get an equal share in a beach house off the coast of California. Both stay there against the other's wishes until they figure out what to do with the rest of their lives.
Of course, they're total opposites, but through their crazy escapades, they become best friends.
It's formulaic and sappy.
But I loved it.
Those two spoke to me in a way my 59-year-old self could understand.
Female friendships are imperative.
New friendships can be difficult to cultivate later in life, but we need them just the same, if only for one important reason: people live longer when they have friends.
Why is it so hard to make friends when you're older?
Friendships used to be easy when you were in school. The number of possible social contacts kept growing as you went to higher grades and transitioned to work.
Your job was a great place to make friends. You were there for big chunks of time and had plenty of things to bond over, like layoffs, crazy bosses, and company trips. Actors Jane and Lily have been friends since they starred in the film "9 to 5" in the 1980s.
Having children brought in a new pool of people and more possibilities for friendship.
But what happens when you no longer have these draws to bring people in? Are you supposed to make do with what you have for the rest of your life?
Statistically speaking, that’s not a good idea.
People move away, lose interest, or get sick and die.
Even when older people have a strong network of friends and family, the constraints of the group can make it hard to meet new people and form new relationships.
When COVID hit in 2020, there were fewer opportunities to meet new friends.
After my divorce, I moved around a few times and ended up in a new state. I was in an identity crisis after losing friends from my old life and not yet finding new ones.
It was a lonely time. I've been in New Jersey for seven years, and I'm only beginning to establish new friendships.
I had to make an effort.
Friendships didn't fall into my lap like when I was younger. Also, my circumstances didn't land me in a beach house on the California coast with Grace or Frankie.
This week, I ran across this video, and Jane Fonda gives some great advice.
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Jane points out that female friendships enrich women differently than male relationships. Woman-to-woman relationships are so important that we should actively pursue them. Keep the old, but if you find another opportunity for a female friend, don’t let her get away!
(And for the guys reading this, the odds are in women’s favor to live longer than husbands. Another reason to support your wife’s friendships.)
Next time you’re feeling lonely, you have the power to change that. Make an effort.
For my people who like to click on things, here is a hope-filled song that brightens your day.
I so relate to this and it took me years to figure out why it was harder to make new friendships and why my lifelong friends seemed to be losing interest in maintaining our friendship. I moved to a new town a couple of years ago and I began attending some groups for women in town. That is fun and makes me feel less lonely but one day I met a woman at the hairdresser's also new to the area We bonded and have spent lots of time together already. Also, I have made it a point to get to know neighbors and this has helped as well...but it's not easy.
I'm lucky to live in the place I was born, so I've been able to maintain a lifelong friendship with one of my besties from high school, made even deeper after she was diagnosed with cancer. As my former husband had cancer and all our friends vanished, I vowed to be there for my friend. I called and asked her what she'd like. We live about four hours apart. She wanted to come to my place and "stare at the water" after her initial surgery, and subsequently, we scheduled weekly calls through the year of cancer treatments. We like being in deep touch so much we're still doing the weekly calls! I'm also lucky to be in recovery from addiction/alcoholism, so I started a support group for women in a charming town about an hour from my house. People in recovery can have sort of an instant bond, but this has turned out to be amazing. I'd say almost every woman there has become a new friend. I'm so grateful!