I went through some of those same things when I attended the Catholic Church for seven years. I went through RCIA and baptism and became a Eucharistic Minister. But that's where the church left me. Because I was a former Evangelical, they would not allow me to volunteer in any teaching position. The Evangelicals had turned their backs on me because I became a Catholic. I finally realized (after deconstructing) that although my faith had changed drastically, it was still there. I love the mystery of it now. I no longer need certainty, church attendance, or volunteering, or fear. Great piece, Ilona.
I don't think I knew you were Catholic at one point. You really ran the whole gamut, didn't you? I'm glad you landed in a place of acceptance of your journey and where you are with God. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your painful and enlightening journey with such honesty here. As a Lutheran pastor, I can assure you you're not alone. The deconstruction work can bring wonder. A saying I appreciate is that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.
Hi Hans! My dad was also called Hans, short for Johannes. Nice to see that name cropping up in my feed.
It is a comfort that I am not alone-thank you for that, although few really share how they feel about Catholicism, or religion in general. I always thought Lutherans were a more chill version of Catholicism, although I never explored it. I recently attended an event at a Unitarian Univeralist church, and I have to say i liked it!
"The opposite of faith is not doubt but certainty." I will keep that one in my pocket. THANK YOU!
I spent 12 years in Catholic school with nuns and priests. This was in the 60’s and 70’s when hitting children was allowed and Catholic parents condoned it. I always knew it was wrong, even as a 7 year old getting hit for talking. My devoutly Catholic parents raised us to go to church Sundays, no matter what. When I refused to send my children to Catholic school, they were furious. I stayed in a marriage for 15 years with a man who cheated constantly because again, my parents insisted Catholics never divorce. I was so convinced something horrible would happen if I “displeased” God. Little by little, I was able to see the light and leave with my children. I look back now and feel as if I was in a religion of fear and guilt. I am very spiritual now, but no religious at all. It is freeing.
It is a religion of fear and guilt. Let me add the word "shame" to your list.
I give you a lot of credit Jan for standing up for yourself, especially with the Catholic school issue. I sent my kids to parochial school and it was not the best choice. I did take them out eventually.
The stance that divorce was never an option kept me there for 18 years. It was a travesty that it took me so long to claim my agency. I don't think I ever was my own person until after I left. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
This is such a powerful story, Ilona. I, too, was raised in the Catholic Church. While I didn't become as involved as you did, it was a difficult decision to move away from it. I loved the ritual of it all and have found ways to recreate that in my life over the years. Thanks for sharing.
I loved some of the rituals, too. There’s something soothing about the predicability of it all. I really loved singing the liturgical songs, especially since I played the guitar in the youth mass in the basement of the church with a really cool priest. He was a really holy man, and he impacted me in a profound way. Thank you for the reminder that my time in the Church wasn’t all bad.
It's important for women (men, too, but even more so for women) so share stories about stuff like this. There are so many ways not just the church, but society in general, holds us down, keeps us believing we aren't good enough, minimizes our struggles, takes advantage of our volunteerism and so on. It's easy to fall through the cracks, get lost, and lose ourselves.
It took a lot of courage for you to walk away from the comfortable life you had built. You are brave for telling your story now, too.
I was raised Lutheran - Missouri Synod. Conservative kind of Lutheran. No women ministers allowed. Not sure if that's changed. Even as a kid, that made no sense and bothered me. Went to church every single Sunday. Even played the piano for Sunday School.
While raising my kids we continued going to church, not Missouri Synod, though. About 20 years ago Husband and I stopped going. Lots of reasons. Some simple. Some complicated. I've never found my way back nor do I have plans to do so. My belief system has changed.
Questioning is part of being human. Whenever we hesitate to question due to any reason, that's a red flag, no matter what we're talking about. Thanks for providing a space for us to talk about these things.
'No women ministers allowed' and even as a kid you knew something was off about that. I also questioned why there were no women priests. It seems to me that they'd be great in that role. That perceptive instinct they try to train out of us, don't they?
Your story sounds familiar with the slow drift away, some reasons simple, some complicated, and no plans to go back. I think there are more of us in that space than anyone realizes. Just done with it all. And quietly building a belief system that's actually ours.
I heard a TikTok video today that number of Christians nation-wide is on a natural decline as people die off, and that doesn't take into account the massive exodus of those like us who have decided we've had enough.
That last line of yours is going on a sticky note: 'Whenever we hesitate to question, that's a red flag, no matter what we're talking about." That's the whole essay in one sentence.
Thank you for sharing this journey. "The system tells you that doubt is your deficiency."
And that is the key to understanding the manipulation that churches and cults often use to keep people in line. It is used by many religious and political groups that require strict adherence.
I am married to a Jewish woman. 50/50 Ashkenazi and and Sephardic. She is a cultural Jew. She celebrates some holidays to remember where she comes from. But no temple. No God fantasy stuff. Golden rule and the lessons of history suffice.
What strikes me about that faith is the constant questioning. Doubts aren't dealt with by a wrap on the wrist with a ruler. The response is often" "Let's discuss this."
I love her Jewish family and friends. And yet there are some really bad Israeli Jews killing innocents right now.
Buddhists teach us about peace, shedding desire and introspection. Finding inner calm. And yet, they too can be killers in Myanmar.
I chuckle when I say I am a "recovering Congregationalist". Left the place when I was 13. I do remember many of the Sunday School lessons. About how we should treat each other. I don't see the Protestants in the news practicing anything like that. Such hate and brutality "in the name of the Lord".
There is a show on Netflix called the "Unchosen". Only 6 episodes. A pretty good example of how "God" is employed by mostly men to control and abuse. I'd give it an "8".
What a world we live in when the Secretary of Defense invokes "God's" name and justifies the killing of school children - and changes the name of the department from defense to war. In God's name.
And yet, I must exist in a "glass half full" world. I can honestly say that I would love to share a pint or glass of chianti with Pope Leo. Despite all the disgusting pomp, silly clothes, and wealth that could feed the poor (but doesn't") I hear some pretty good words from Leo.
The world is nuts. But there are a few bright spots. Your articles are among them.
Bill, 'recovering Congregationalist' is so on point. I think there are more of us in recovery than anyone wants to admit — different denominations, same quiet exit.
What you said about your wife's faith sounds perfect — the idea that doubt is met with 'let's discuss this' instead of a ruler across the wrist. (I heard from so many of my grade school classmates how many rulers they got as children which I somehow escaped.)
A system that welcomes questions versus one that treats them as a deficiency. I think that's what I was starving for and didn't know it. One yoga teacher in particular held that space for me.
And yes — the bright spots matter. Fingers crossed, my husband and i may be having an audience with Pope Leo in November.
Thank you for reading and for this generous response.
Catholic Church and other churches have a way of looking at you as a potential believer in all of their processes. I have seen this over and over in my grandchildren who are now in their late 20s beginning to question things that they had accepted all along, even though they weren’t baptized because I was not a Catholic or religious, but rather a spiritual person during that time.
There's something satisfying about watching the next generation questioning what they were handed. Your grandchildren are in their late twenties — that's often when it starts, isn't it? You've lived enough life to notice the gap between what you were told and what you've experienced. The fact that they're asking those questions now, even without having been baptized, tells you how deep the conditioning runs. It doesn't require a sacrament. It just requires being in the room long enough. Thank you for reading.
I’m a recovered Catholic too. I was raised in the church but it never really resonated with me and in the end there were just too many things I disagreed with politically, institutionally, and spiritually. I did join a UU church for many years. I loved the minister and community and the fact that all of us seemed to have differing beliefs and spiritual journeys.
I haven’t been part of a church since moving out of MA. UUs take the summer off (boy, did this blow my mind as a former Catholic!) so it’s not an option in RI and in FL I never got back to it post- COVID.
I will say that when I have occasion to be in a Catholic Church (weddings, funerals, even traveling/touring), there is something peaceful and therapeutic for me in the environment. I attribute this to just the comfort of childhood familiarity.
I’ve wished many times for the gift of faith but I am too worldly and cynical and smart for my own good, perhaps. I do know that I am not the Higher Power though, lol!
P.S. That priest that blamed you was an a**hole. There are lots of them out there. Lots of good ones too, but definitely not him.
Friends of ours in the in UU church, and I am tempted to look into it. I love the openness to different backgrounds of such a church, and would love to meet more people with the same mindset. ALTHOUGH I am worried too that I would get sucked in again, and I definitely don't want history to repeat itself.
It's funny that you say you feel a comfort when visiting the Catholic Church. I experience something similar, because I used to love singing the liturgical music. There were some really awesome tunes, and I used to play at mass with the youth guitar group in high school. I think it's probably just some nostalgia creeping in.
I think education does play a role in how much a church's doctrines are tolerated. Thank you, Donna, for adding to the conversation.
I was born and raised Catholic in an Irish Catholic family. My paternal grandparents were staunch Catholics. Never missed a Sunday, High Holy Day, and anything in between. My parents took us to church every Sunday, CCD weekly. Somewhere around the age of 19 or 20, I figured out there was so much that was wrong with the church (unfortunately, I allowed my mother to bully me into marrying in a Catholic church because my "grandfather would disown me" -- I was very young and naive and have always regretted it). When I had my child, I refused to raise her Catholic. I had an in-law who was in awe of me, wishing she could do what I did, but continued to live in her hypocrisy. My daughter is the only child in our extremely large family (my side and my husband's side) who is not Catholic and I'm ok with that. Thank you for sharing your story. This is a great piece, Ilona, and so relatable.
I went through some of those same things when I attended the Catholic Church for seven years. I went through RCIA and baptism and became a Eucharistic Minister. But that's where the church left me. Because I was a former Evangelical, they would not allow me to volunteer in any teaching position. The Evangelicals had turned their backs on me because I became a Catholic. I finally realized (after deconstructing) that although my faith had changed drastically, it was still there. I love the mystery of it now. I no longer need certainty, church attendance, or volunteering, or fear. Great piece, Ilona.
I don't think I knew you were Catholic at one point. You really ran the whole gamut, didn't you? I'm glad you landed in a place of acceptance of your journey and where you are with God. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your painful and enlightening journey with such honesty here. As a Lutheran pastor, I can assure you you're not alone. The deconstruction work can bring wonder. A saying I appreciate is that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.
Hi Hans! My dad was also called Hans, short for Johannes. Nice to see that name cropping up in my feed.
It is a comfort that I am not alone-thank you for that, although few really share how they feel about Catholicism, or religion in general. I always thought Lutherans were a more chill version of Catholicism, although I never explored it. I recently attended an event at a Unitarian Univeralist church, and I have to say i liked it!
"The opposite of faith is not doubt but certainty." I will keep that one in my pocket. THANK YOU!
I spent 12 years in Catholic school with nuns and priests. This was in the 60’s and 70’s when hitting children was allowed and Catholic parents condoned it. I always knew it was wrong, even as a 7 year old getting hit for talking. My devoutly Catholic parents raised us to go to church Sundays, no matter what. When I refused to send my children to Catholic school, they were furious. I stayed in a marriage for 15 years with a man who cheated constantly because again, my parents insisted Catholics never divorce. I was so convinced something horrible would happen if I “displeased” God. Little by little, I was able to see the light and leave with my children. I look back now and feel as if I was in a religion of fear and guilt. I am very spiritual now, but no religious at all. It is freeing.
It is a religion of fear and guilt. Let me add the word "shame" to your list.
I give you a lot of credit Jan for standing up for yourself, especially with the Catholic school issue. I sent my kids to parochial school and it was not the best choice. I did take them out eventually.
The stance that divorce was never an option kept me there for 18 years. It was a travesty that it took me so long to claim my agency. I don't think I ever was my own person until after I left. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
This is such a powerful story, Ilona. I, too, was raised in the Catholic Church. While I didn't become as involved as you did, it was a difficult decision to move away from it. I loved the ritual of it all and have found ways to recreate that in my life over the years. Thanks for sharing.
I loved some of the rituals, too. There’s something soothing about the predicability of it all. I really loved singing the liturgical songs, especially since I played the guitar in the youth mass in the basement of the church with a really cool priest. He was a really holy man, and he impacted me in a profound way. Thank you for the reminder that my time in the Church wasn’t all bad.
It's easy to forget what we loved about it when so much feels heavy. I can see you playing the guitar at the youth mass, what a gift you offered.
Hi Ilona,
It's important for women (men, too, but even more so for women) so share stories about stuff like this. There are so many ways not just the church, but society in general, holds us down, keeps us believing we aren't good enough, minimizes our struggles, takes advantage of our volunteerism and so on. It's easy to fall through the cracks, get lost, and lose ourselves.
It took a lot of courage for you to walk away from the comfortable life you had built. You are brave for telling your story now, too.
I was raised Lutheran - Missouri Synod. Conservative kind of Lutheran. No women ministers allowed. Not sure if that's changed. Even as a kid, that made no sense and bothered me. Went to church every single Sunday. Even played the piano for Sunday School.
While raising my kids we continued going to church, not Missouri Synod, though. About 20 years ago Husband and I stopped going. Lots of reasons. Some simple. Some complicated. I've never found my way back nor do I have plans to do so. My belief system has changed.
Questioning is part of being human. Whenever we hesitate to question due to any reason, that's a red flag, no matter what we're talking about. Thanks for providing a space for us to talk about these things.
'No women ministers allowed' and even as a kid you knew something was off about that. I also questioned why there were no women priests. It seems to me that they'd be great in that role. That perceptive instinct they try to train out of us, don't they?
Your story sounds familiar with the slow drift away, some reasons simple, some complicated, and no plans to go back. I think there are more of us in that space than anyone realizes. Just done with it all. And quietly building a belief system that's actually ours.
I heard a TikTok video today that number of Christians nation-wide is on a natural decline as people die off, and that doesn't take into account the massive exodus of those like us who have decided we've had enough.
That last line of yours is going on a sticky note: 'Whenever we hesitate to question, that's a red flag, no matter what we're talking about." That's the whole essay in one sentence.
Thank you for being here, Nancy!
Thank you for sharing this journey. "The system tells you that doubt is your deficiency."
And that is the key to understanding the manipulation that churches and cults often use to keep people in line. It is used by many religious and political groups that require strict adherence.
I am married to a Jewish woman. 50/50 Ashkenazi and and Sephardic. She is a cultural Jew. She celebrates some holidays to remember where she comes from. But no temple. No God fantasy stuff. Golden rule and the lessons of history suffice.
What strikes me about that faith is the constant questioning. Doubts aren't dealt with by a wrap on the wrist with a ruler. The response is often" "Let's discuss this."
I love her Jewish family and friends. And yet there are some really bad Israeli Jews killing innocents right now.
Buddhists teach us about peace, shedding desire and introspection. Finding inner calm. And yet, they too can be killers in Myanmar.
I chuckle when I say I am a "recovering Congregationalist". Left the place when I was 13. I do remember many of the Sunday School lessons. About how we should treat each other. I don't see the Protestants in the news practicing anything like that. Such hate and brutality "in the name of the Lord".
But there is John Pavlovitz. https://substack.com/@johnpavlovitz
There is a show on Netflix called the "Unchosen". Only 6 episodes. A pretty good example of how "God" is employed by mostly men to control and abuse. I'd give it an "8".
What a world we live in when the Secretary of Defense invokes "God's" name and justifies the killing of school children - and changes the name of the department from defense to war. In God's name.
And yet, I must exist in a "glass half full" world. I can honestly say that I would love to share a pint or glass of chianti with Pope Leo. Despite all the disgusting pomp, silly clothes, and wealth that could feed the poor (but doesn't") I hear some pretty good words from Leo.
The world is nuts. But there are a few bright spots. Your articles are among them.
Bill, 'recovering Congregationalist' is so on point. I think there are more of us in recovery than anyone wants to admit — different denominations, same quiet exit.
What you said about your wife's faith sounds perfect — the idea that doubt is met with 'let's discuss this' instead of a ruler across the wrist. (I heard from so many of my grade school classmates how many rulers they got as children which I somehow escaped.)
A system that welcomes questions versus one that treats them as a deficiency. I think that's what I was starving for and didn't know it. One yoga teacher in particular held that space for me.
And yes — the bright spots matter. Fingers crossed, my husband and i may be having an audience with Pope Leo in November.
Thank you for reading and for this generous response.
Catholic Church and other churches have a way of looking at you as a potential believer in all of their processes. I have seen this over and over in my grandchildren who are now in their late 20s beginning to question things that they had accepted all along, even though they weren’t baptized because I was not a Catholic or religious, but rather a spiritual person during that time.
There's something satisfying about watching the next generation questioning what they were handed. Your grandchildren are in their late twenties — that's often when it starts, isn't it? You've lived enough life to notice the gap between what you were told and what you've experienced. The fact that they're asking those questions now, even without having been baptized, tells you how deep the conditioning runs. It doesn't require a sacrament. It just requires being in the room long enough. Thank you for reading.
I’m a recovered Catholic too. I was raised in the church but it never really resonated with me and in the end there were just too many things I disagreed with politically, institutionally, and spiritually. I did join a UU church for many years. I loved the minister and community and the fact that all of us seemed to have differing beliefs and spiritual journeys.
I haven’t been part of a church since moving out of MA. UUs take the summer off (boy, did this blow my mind as a former Catholic!) so it’s not an option in RI and in FL I never got back to it post- COVID.
I will say that when I have occasion to be in a Catholic Church (weddings, funerals, even traveling/touring), there is something peaceful and therapeutic for me in the environment. I attribute this to just the comfort of childhood familiarity.
I’ve wished many times for the gift of faith but I am too worldly and cynical and smart for my own good, perhaps. I do know that I am not the Higher Power though, lol!
P.S. That priest that blamed you was an a**hole. There are lots of them out there. Lots of good ones too, but definitely not him.
Friends of ours in the in UU church, and I am tempted to look into it. I love the openness to different backgrounds of such a church, and would love to meet more people with the same mindset. ALTHOUGH I am worried too that I would get sucked in again, and I definitely don't want history to repeat itself.
It's funny that you say you feel a comfort when visiting the Catholic Church. I experience something similar, because I used to love singing the liturgical music. There were some really awesome tunes, and I used to play at mass with the youth guitar group in high school. I think it's probably just some nostalgia creeping in.
I think education does play a role in how much a church's doctrines are tolerated. Thank you, Donna, for adding to the conversation.
Hi, my friend!
So much of what you wrote resonates with me! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us!
Aw, thanks Cathy! I am glad we are vibing together and that you enjoy my sharing.
So true! - “That’s how it works. They don’t have to lock the door. You lock it yourself.”
Looking for our identity outside of ourselves is not the answer. Each of us is already enough.
Thank you, Yvonne! I wish it hadn't taken so long to realize that we are already enough.
I was born and raised Catholic in an Irish Catholic family. My paternal grandparents were staunch Catholics. Never missed a Sunday, High Holy Day, and anything in between. My parents took us to church every Sunday, CCD weekly. Somewhere around the age of 19 or 20, I figured out there was so much that was wrong with the church (unfortunately, I allowed my mother to bully me into marrying in a Catholic church because my "grandfather would disown me" -- I was very young and naive and have always regretted it). When I had my child, I refused to raise her Catholic. I had an in-law who was in awe of me, wishing she could do what I did, but continued to live in her hypocrisy. My daughter is the only child in our extremely large family (my side and my husband's side) who is not Catholic and I'm ok with that. Thank you for sharing your story. This is a great piece, Ilona, and so relatable.
Excellent insights, as always. xoxoxo!