Why Friendship Matters More Than Ever As We Age
Friendships may not fall into our laps anymore, but they’re worth the effort — for joy, for belonging, and yes, for longevity.
I’m away this week, but this piece from 2024 still feels timely. Please like, comment, and restack if you’re feeling friendly…
When the Netflix show Grace and Frankie came out in 2015, I wasn’t ready. Those ladies were old, and after watching the pilot, I, as a young 51-year-old, couldn’t relate. The series stars, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, were a whole generation ahead of me, firmly in the ‘early bird dinner special’ demographic.
But after reading Jane Fonda’s memoir, I decided to give the show another chance. In their late 70s, Grace (Jane Fonda) and Frankie (Lily Tomlin) are in a contentious relationship, merely tolerating each other because their husbands are law partners.
The first episode begins with a bombshell: the husbands have been secret gay lovers for twenty years and now want to marry each other. (Honestly, that’s one way to spice up retirement.) Naturally, Grace and Frankie’s lives implode. Thanks to their divorce settlements, they end up with equal shares in a beach house off the California coast. They stay there — sulking, bickering, martini-drinking — until they figure out the rest of their lives.
Of course, they’re complete opposites, but through their ridiculous escapades, they become best friends.
It’s formulaic. It’s sappy.
And I loved it.
By the time I rewatched it at 59, those two spoke to me in a way my younger self couldn’t quite grasp.
Because here’s the truth: female friendships are imperative.
Making new friends later in life can feel as tricky as assembling IKEA furniture without instructions, but it’s still essential. People literally live longer when they have friends.
So why is it so hard as we age?
When we were kids, friendships were practically pre-packaged. Spend five days a week together, nine months a year, for over a decade? Boom. Built-in besties. Add in jobs and co-workers, and you’ve got even more possibilities for bonding over crazy bosses, awkward holiday parties, and mass layoffs. (Nothing unites people like free bagels in the breakroom while everyone waits to see if they still have a job.)
Having children opened up another pool of potential friends. PTA, soccer sidelines, birthday parties with too much sheet cake. Friendship practically grew from the crumbs and sugar rush.
But what happens when all those easy access points vanish? Are we supposed to make do with what we’ve got for the rest of our lives?
Statistically speaking, not a great idea. People move away, lose interest, or, well… die.
Someone had to say it.
Even if you’re blessed with a strong circle, the group’s gravitational pull can make it tough to branch out. And then when something like COVID comes along, we have fewer organic chances left.
After my divorce, I moved several times and eventually settled in a new state. I was in an identity crisis: old friendships had faded, new ones hadn’t formed yet, and Amazon was the only one knocking on my door.
It was lonely.
I’ve been in New Jersey for ten years now, and forming friendships hasn’t been effortless. Friendships don’t just fall into your lap like they did when you were twenty. You actually have to… make an effort. Ugh.
My circumstances didn’t plop me into a beach house with Grace or Frankie (though I wouldn’t complain about ocean views and Lily Tomlin’s wardrobe of caftans). Instead, I’ve had to stumble, stretch, and slowly stitch together a new circle.
It’s not glamorous. But it’s real. And it matters. I came across a video featuring Jane Fonda, who offers some great advice.
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Jane reminds us that female friendships nourish us in ways men can’t replicate. Woman-to-woman bonds are lifelines worth seeking out, tending, and treasuring. Keep the old ones close, but if a new friendship opportunity presents itself in your life? Don’t let her slip away.
(And for the guys reading this: remember, statistically, your wife is likely to outlive you. Supporting her friendships isn’t just kind — it’s strategic. Think of it as future-proofing her happiness.)
So the next time loneliness creeps in, remember: you’re not powerless. Reach out. Say yes. Extend an invitation. There’s no such thing as too many friends, only too many excuses not to make them.
"Life is nothing without friendship." Cicero
For my people who like to click on things, here is a hope-filled song that will brighten your day.
It took some growth in therapy to let go of a few toxic friendships. Then it took lots of courage to find the good kind. You're right, it's not easy anymore. I have to continually reach out to keep the friendships alive. Invite them over, invite them out for coffee and pie, attend meetings of the organizations we belong to...even when I'd rather fall asleep in my recliner.
I often think about the sheer courage it takes to initiate new friendships as an adult. When we're kids, there's an innocent fearlessness to it—you just walk up and say "Wanna be friends?" As adults, there's a vulnerability that comes with putting yourself out there, risking rejection, and navigating the unspoken rules of adult connection. It's almost like starting a new relationship, but without the clear societal scripts.
I still suck at it. 😂