Oh my gosh, Ilona! I so related to some of this and even some of it about your relationship with your mother and about being a Eucharistic Minister (I was one too!) and then getting treated the way you did...so many wounds...but your attitude is so wonderful. I feel very grateful to have found you on Substack and gain you as my friend.
Somehow, through all of the mistreatment and judgement by others, you loved yourself enough to keep walking down a new path. In reconnecting with LG you fell back in love with your young self and then the force was unstoppable like a chemical reaction. I am so happy for you, and for us.
Ilona, I am so sorry that you were made to feel an outcast in the very groups who should have been non- judgmental and supported you . What a journey. I hope you love your current path!
You're familiar with the players because we both went to the same church. I think churches in general are too big and understaffed to minister to their faithful. My friend's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and again, no one cared enough to say a kind word or support her during this painful journey. There is something so wrong in that.
Totally agree. I had very little support from the church when Kevin was sick and after he passed away. I may not have been the most active volunteer of the church but I did teach Sunday school for many years - probably 10 years. The youth minister did reach out a number of times but then he was going thru “stuff” of his own too. My heart aches for you seeing that your friends didn’t support you. I’ve had many friends go thru divorce and I would never think of abandoning them , no matter what. Who knows if it could be me?
I'm sorry you didn't get any support either when your son was sick. It shouldn't matter how many hours you volunteer as to whether you're ministered to, but you are slightly more committed and visible to them at the least. Regardless, they didn't do their jobs either way.
You put into words what I was thinking-the groups that should have been non-judgmental and supportive-church, family, etc. We are truly on our own journeys and need to do what is best for ourselves although it may impact others, otherwise our own sanity is affected right? Right. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Yes, my sanity was effected. I had what I think was a nervous breakdown the summer everything happened. Since this happened to me, I don't think I would be as good a friend as I am able to be right now.
Getting to the honor part has been a long road. Mostly I didn't want people to know, and now I care *less* what others think. I still care, but trust karma has a way of even-ing things out.
Our stories have many parallels, though mine was easier because I didn’t have a close-knit community around me to lose / be cast out of. Here’s to finally having the love you deserve!!!
My goodness Ilona, your story is an elegantly expressed tail of trials to tribulation. The courage you took to weather the storm from hypocritical religious people is astounding. But, fear shows its tentacles in many ways. Everyone displayed theirs instead of love and compassion. And now we get to be encouraged by your bravery to live a happy life. You rock!
Ilona, it must have been darn near impossible to bid adieu to so many of the things that made up your identity. That required an unbelievable amount of strength to do that. I'm happy you didn't let the weight of other people's judgement/opinions deter you from seeking your own path to happiness. You deserve happiness just as much as anybody else does.
We only have this one life. It sounds as if yours has been rich and filled with growth and love—even when that love has sometimes been painful. There’s a strength of spirit that comes through in your story. Thanks for sharing it.
This is a really powerful story, and I'm going over to read the other "parts" you linked. Thank you for having the courage to share such painful choices and consequences, along with the joy.
I'm so happy you found the happiness you deserve. You are brave and strong and hopefully as your kids have grown they've been able to recognize that! Thanks for sharing, Ilona.
Yes, I think they do as they have matured and are married themselves. A lot of their attention has been spent ministering to their father who has remained single.
So much of this happened in my life too! I decided to finally divorce after 23 years and three children. That was in 1994. No support from friends or parents, only child, no siblings. I live in Italy,nobody ever divorced then. I remarried in 2004 but my second marriage ended 10 years ago. I live alone, I’m 76 now and sometimes it’s difficult but I find myself thinking that I’ve grown tremendously through all the suffering. You’re very lucky to have found someone to share your life with.
Yes, it wasn't really luck. I had met my now-husband in college and never forgot about him. He came back into the picture when I was quite miserable in the marriage. I wrote about it in a three series post last summer, if you have interest. (I wrote it when this Substack was dedicated to yoga and named something else, so it is a slightly different tone.) It also gutted me to write what happened.There were a lot of problems afterwards with the kids, as you can imagine.
Kudos to you for doing it and for having the optimism to get remarried, even though that ended. I think we should normalize that we change and grow, and one person doesn't have to be there for the whole ride.
PS We still don't get the support we need from other women. Why is that?
I've wondered about that too. Is it because their own marriages aren't really what they hoped and secretly they envy us for having had the courage to end a painful relationship, for risking to lose everything rather than lose ourselves?
Oh my gosh, Ilona! I so related to some of this and even some of it about your relationship with your mother and about being a Eucharistic Minister (I was one too!) and then getting treated the way you did...so many wounds...but your attitude is so wonderful. I feel very grateful to have found you on Substack and gain you as my friend.
Same, Linda! You've been through so much yourself, and are a model of transformation and resilience. Thanks for your support and friendship 🤍
Somehow, through all of the mistreatment and judgement by others, you loved yourself enough to keep walking down a new path. In reconnecting with LG you fell back in love with your young self and then the force was unstoppable like a chemical reaction. I am so happy for you, and for us.
You describe it so well! Once I decided, there was no going back. My BFF told me she was happy that I was back.
Ilona, I am so sorry that you were made to feel an outcast in the very groups who should have been non- judgmental and supported you . What a journey. I hope you love your current path!
You're familiar with the players because we both went to the same church. I think churches in general are too big and understaffed to minister to their faithful. My friend's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and again, no one cared enough to say a kind word or support her during this painful journey. There is something so wrong in that.
Totally agree. I had very little support from the church when Kevin was sick and after he passed away. I may not have been the most active volunteer of the church but I did teach Sunday school for many years - probably 10 years. The youth minister did reach out a number of times but then he was going thru “stuff” of his own too. My heart aches for you seeing that your friends didn’t support you. I’ve had many friends go thru divorce and I would never think of abandoning them , no matter what. Who knows if it could be me?
I'm sorry you didn't get any support either when your son was sick. It shouldn't matter how many hours you volunteer as to whether you're ministered to, but you are slightly more committed and visible to them at the least. Regardless, they didn't do their jobs either way.
You put into words what I was thinking-the groups that should have been non-judgmental and supportive-church, family, etc. We are truly on our own journeys and need to do what is best for ourselves although it may impact others, otherwise our own sanity is affected right? Right. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Yes, my sanity was effected. I had what I think was a nervous breakdown the summer everything happened. Since this happened to me, I don't think I would be as good a friend as I am able to be right now.
I am so inspired by your truth and the honor you show yourself. It is incredible that you walked through this storm to get to yourself, but you did!
Getting to the honor part has been a long road. Mostly I didn't want people to know, and now I care *less* what others think. I still care, but trust karma has a way of even-ing things out.
I like this quote - what other people think of me is none of my business.
Thanks for the reminder! Here's another one: I can't change other people, only myself.
Our stories have many parallels, though mine was easier because I didn’t have a close-knit community around me to lose / be cast out of. Here’s to finally having the love you deserve!!!
Thanks, Holly!
My goodness Ilona, your story is an elegantly expressed tail of trials to tribulation. The courage you took to weather the storm from hypocritical religious people is astounding. But, fear shows its tentacles in many ways. Everyone displayed theirs instead of love and compassion. And now we get to be encouraged by your bravery to live a happy life. You rock!
Thank you, my friend! I appreciate your steadfast support.
Ilona, it must have been darn near impossible to bid adieu to so many of the things that made up your identity. That required an unbelievable amount of strength to do that. I'm happy you didn't let the weight of other people's judgement/opinions deter you from seeking your own path to happiness. You deserve happiness just as much as anybody else does.
Thanks, Tom. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done, and I'm happy it's behind me.
We only have this one life. It sounds as if yours has been rich and filled with growth and love—even when that love has sometimes been painful. There’s a strength of spirit that comes through in your story. Thanks for sharing it.
Thank you for reading it, Dan. My life has been good and I've been enjoying the fruits of that difficult decision.
This is a really powerful story, and I'm going over to read the other "parts" you linked. Thank you for having the courage to share such painful choices and consequences, along with the joy.
Thanks, Kirie! I'm glad you read through the story and left feedback. I eel enriched when people let me know what they think.
I'm so happy you found the happiness you deserve. You are brave and strong and hopefully as your kids have grown they've been able to recognize that! Thanks for sharing, Ilona.
Yes, I think they do as they have matured and are married themselves. A lot of their attention has been spent ministering to their father who has remained single.
❤️
Thanks for your support, Joanna. 🤍
Always. :)
So much of this happened in my life too! I decided to finally divorce after 23 years and three children. That was in 1994. No support from friends or parents, only child, no siblings. I live in Italy,nobody ever divorced then. I remarried in 2004 but my second marriage ended 10 years ago. I live alone, I’m 76 now and sometimes it’s difficult but I find myself thinking that I’ve grown tremendously through all the suffering. You’re very lucky to have found someone to share your life with.
Yes, it wasn't really luck. I had met my now-husband in college and never forgot about him. He came back into the picture when I was quite miserable in the marriage. I wrote about it in a three series post last summer, if you have interest. (I wrote it when this Substack was dedicated to yoga and named something else, so it is a slightly different tone.) It also gutted me to write what happened.There were a lot of problems afterwards with the kids, as you can imagine.
Kudos to you for doing it and for having the optimism to get remarried, even though that ended. I think we should normalize that we change and grow, and one person doesn't have to be there for the whole ride.
PS We still don't get the support we need from other women. Why is that?
I've wondered about that too. Is it because their own marriages aren't really what they hoped and secretly they envy us for having had the courage to end a painful relationship, for risking to lose everything rather than lose ourselves?
I think it's a stigma thing. One day, I may just ask them.