Ilona, your piece is wonderful, and it made me ponder something I’ve never quite articulated before. We often talk about “closure” in the context of death, but what if closure isn’t about finishing a chapter, but rather about opening a new one? What if our grief isn’t meant to be resolved or completed, but rather integrated into our lives, becoming a part of who we are? What if the goal isn't to “move on,” but to carry the memory of our loved ones with us, allowing it to shape us and influence us in positive ways? Perhaps the most profound act of remembrance isn’t letting go, but learning to hold onto the love and lessons they gave us, even as we navigate life without them. Does grief ever truly end, or does it just evolve into something else?
Yes to all this, Dr. A. You're probably not aware of this, but the Death card in the Tarot card deck doesn't mean literal death, but that something is ending in order for something new to start. It's all a cycle, and yes, we do transmute our grief (which is really love) into something else that stays a part of us. Thank you, as always, for your valuable insight and sharing your wisdom here on my page 💙
To each his own. I have two thoughts. When I go over the rainbow bridge to be with the dogs of my past I hope for two things. First, that my remains (ashes) go wherever my wife is. If you can't find her, toss them into the waves off the rocky coast Maine. Or any body of water near you. Composting sounds fascinating, but could be expensive.
Second, no funeral. Nobody should spend a dime on travel or lose a day for my sake. Do something fun or enjoyable instead. Have a party. Make jokes about me. Whatever. Mostly, please don't make a big deal about it.
Move on, do something nice for somebody alive. Adopt a rescue dog! Feed a gold fish. Cook a ribeye steak. Read a book. Enjoy living. I'm gone. So be it. Peace.
Terramation and cremation run about the same, according to Google. If I were cremated, the ocean sounds like a good idea as does my garden. Cheers to your choices, and I'm happy that you've already made them.
Such wonderful expressions about a topic we don't talk about much in our culture. I had never thought about terramation for myself but am thinking about it after your post. My father died when I was 16 and that jolt to my sense of reality put me in a very different place about death and dying than most people around me. I like what Alexander says about transitions; I've long believed we are here to evolve, were somewhere before this, and have somewhere else important to go after we have finished the assignment here. Thanks for your writing, Ilona.
Ilona, I loved this. Our (America/Western?) view of death is so different than other parts of the world. Grief is complicated but why should we wait until someone is gone to celebrate them? I saw a movie once where the mom was dying and wanted a party with all her close friends and family to do the things she liked while she was living. People could dance, sing, tell stories about her while she sat on a little ‘throne’. It was a celebration of the person she was -living! I thought it was interesting. A friend is finishing school to be a death doula-also interesting-to help people navigate through the death cycle. Not to make it scary or sad, but to approach it with compassion and love. I also think that is interesting! One last thing-you mention holistic cremation. We had hotel guests that were the first people to start a conservation burial and preserve. It also is an interesting concept that takes into account land preservation and dignified burial. Also interesting! I wrote about it and you can check out more here:
I've heard of those parties while the person is still here, and I'm all for it! I would do the same thing if I had a terminal illness. I checked out the link. Are you the author of the article about the Ramsey Creek preserve? It sounds lovely and something I'd be interested in, especially if there was one near here.
I also would have a party like that if I had a terminal illness! I did not write that article but Dr Billy and his wife Kimberley were guests at the hotel. I wrote about them in my piece here. Amazing people. Something to consider-but not all states allow this type of burial (figures!).
You have some great ideas here. Your husband sounds like a hoot! There is nothing like laughing through tears. I better get to thinking about what I want...I'm certainly not getting any younger.
Yeah he’s a hoot alright.😂😂😂 I view handling my death as a means of trying to take care of my loved ones while living and to extend that out a bit more by making my wishes known afterwards.
I want to heart every sentence in this post! And thank you for the shout out. My lil obituary project is the most fun (and meaningful) thing I've ever done. Also I'm dying to know what magic trick your husband could do at a funeral. The prank aisle is my first stop at any magic or toy or Spencer-type shop. Give me a good fake dog poop any day.
Hi Mary! Thank you for your kind words. I love your TikTok videos and was happy to find you here. My husband invented a trick where he makes small objects disappear in the blink of an eye (he said he'd teach you the trick, too). You'd be thrilled by the amount of fake poop, vomit, and snot we have here. Maybe you two are related?
My dad owned and operated a monument company in a small town upstate New York. Growing up, we developed a light attitude towards death. He was a pall bearer for many funerals, helped grieving families choose the monument or marker to place as a remembrance of their loved one’s final resting place.
We dealt with death with humor.
When Mom died and we were in the funeral home’s car going to the cemetery, Dad said,
“Kids - don’t go to all this trouble when I die. Just give me a wooden box strong enough to keep the dirt out and use a beer keg for a marker.”
As we all laughed, the driver had no idea what to think!
Hi Marylee! Your comment reminds me of a Netflix series called "Six Feet Under." Have you seen it? It's a great, great show. The family on the show runs a funeral home, so they also have a light attitude about death. I think when death stares you in the face daily, you don't have much choice but to have a sense of humor about it or it will bowl you over.
Very thought-provoking piece, Ilona. Having been raised in a predominantly Italian Catholic family, I was taken to many wakes and funerals as a child. I knew as an adult what I did NOT want from these experiences. Both my husband and I agree on cremation and have fully planned our entire end. I have been compiling my music play list for our celebration of life, because that’s what the gathering will be… celebrating the love and joy we experiencing throughout our life with those we touched. I’m also a retired RN, so I have chosen my exit very carefully. Sometimes we remember to plan the funeral, but forget to plan what happens right before.
I have a very clearly written living will (advanced directive) executed by my attorney. It states specifically what I want under certain medical situations such as brain death, intubation, prolonged treatments, tube feeding, etc. End of life care is also addressed. I am a big proponent of Death with Dignity movement but presently, it has not passed in NY state. Until it does, I will use hospice as soon as my conditions (I have many medical conditions) warrant it. Peaceful passing is more important to me than aggressive treatment. I saw too many patients go through horrific treatment options, in an attempt to continue to live. Their quality of life was miserable, with no hope for improving. I will stop all treatment before I get to that point and peacefully enjoy my exit with good pain control. I have no fear of death. I had a near death experience when I delivered my son 39 years ago. It was a life altering experience.
I have drawn up something similar. I live in NJ and I’m pretty sure Death with Dignity is legal here. I intend to fully employ it if the opportunity arises.
NJ does have Death with Dignity. If that will be your plan, be sure to execute in advance. You also must be cognitively intact to utilize it. Let’s hope we all go out that way, but not a given. I am hopeful NY will pass soon but I always have a plan B.
Interesting timing, Illona. Recently, another writer recommended the book "Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul" by Stephen Jenkinson. I initially took a copy out from the library because I didn't know how I'd respond and whether or not I wanted a book about dying lying around my house. It's not an easy read, though it's a powerful and beautifully written book that urges the reader to ask themselves how they want to die. It's more about the process of dying than what we desire after the big event occurs. Warning - it's not a beach read. But it feels so relevant, not only because of my age, but also because of this crazy time we live in. So, I purchased a copy and am giving it a second read.
Your sentiments are well expressed here, Ilona, particularly your thoughts about the Kaddish tradition in Judaism. While this prayer/blessing is normally thought of as a prayer for those who have passed, it is also a prayer and celebration of life and the continuing life cycle. Though each religious system offers valuable and or spiritual words and means of memorializing a deceased one, I would add that such words,though they may be offered with sincere intent, are soon forgotten much like the words of a formal obituary glanced at in a newspaper or online. What remains for me is an idea best expressed by the poet Maya Angelou:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~ Maya Angelou ~
ps. in my own view, I like to believe that death is but a doorway through which one passes into another mode of existence that is prescribed for the further development of what we like to call our souls.
I've been to a few of my friends ' Shivas, and the words they recite are read in Hebrew, so I never understand the meaning, but I feel the intent. I clicked on the Dropbox link and saw the traditional sort of prayer you are referencing.
I agree with you that death is a doorway, and I'm open to whatever that is.
Your sentiments are well expressed here, Ilona. Although each religious system offers valuable and or spiritual words and means of memorializing a deceased one, I would add that such words though they may be offered with sincere intent, are soon forgotten much like a formal obituary glanced at in a newspaper or online. What remains is an idea best expressed by the poet Maya Angelou:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
That quote drives the message home. I wonder if it's too much to expect people to feel uplifted and at peace after attending the service of a loved one. I appreciate your thoughts on this, Ilene.
Perhaps it’s too much to expect a person to feel the way we think they should after the death of a friend or a loved one because we have no jurisdiction over anyone’s feelings but are own. Still, however we felt about a person in life, I believe that they remain alive in some form each time we remember or speak of them.
Since planning my mother’s funeral several years ago, my own arrangements have been on my mind. I didn’t want hers to be traditional and it wasn’t, to the dismay of her older friends and some relatives still alive. But my feeling was that her goodbye was ultimately for her immediate family and we included them in the non traditional ceremony. No clergy, no religious music, no traditional prayers. We chose music she enjoyed from the 50’s and toward the end of her life. My brother and I talked about her life, my daughter, recited a David Whyte poem, my niece told grandma stories and other stories came up from those attending. It was relaxed, somber but grateful that she was a part of our lives. We buried her ashes alongside my dad and each grandchild recited a line from another poem. It was simple and beautiful.
For me, I think about how cool it would be to have a huge bonfire of all the art I created that would still be left in my home. I would have an offer where friends and family could choose a piece or two first, the rest would be sent as ashes into the sky or maybe those ashes could be added to my own. Some initial thoughts.
Thanks for this piece. It’s good to ponder how we wish to leave this physical world.
My parents' deaths in the last ten years have gotten me thinking. Their services were traditional, and because of our strained relationships, it was a difficult time for me to memorialize them.
I love how thoughtful your service was for your mom and how the grandkids were a part of it. I also like the bonfire idea. It's symbolic and warm, and has all the feels, although it would be interesting to hear what your family thinks.
Ilona, your piece is wonderful, and it made me ponder something I’ve never quite articulated before. We often talk about “closure” in the context of death, but what if closure isn’t about finishing a chapter, but rather about opening a new one? What if our grief isn’t meant to be resolved or completed, but rather integrated into our lives, becoming a part of who we are? What if the goal isn't to “move on,” but to carry the memory of our loved ones with us, allowing it to shape us and influence us in positive ways? Perhaps the most profound act of remembrance isn’t letting go, but learning to hold onto the love and lessons they gave us, even as we navigate life without them. Does grief ever truly end, or does it just evolve into something else?
Yes to all this, Dr. A. You're probably not aware of this, but the Death card in the Tarot card deck doesn't mean literal death, but that something is ending in order for something new to start. It's all a cycle, and yes, we do transmute our grief (which is really love) into something else that stays a part of us. Thank you, as always, for your valuable insight and sharing your wisdom here on my page 💙
This is really beautiful, and beautifully expressed.
Dr. A is so eloquent.
To each his own. I have two thoughts. When I go over the rainbow bridge to be with the dogs of my past I hope for two things. First, that my remains (ashes) go wherever my wife is. If you can't find her, toss them into the waves off the rocky coast Maine. Or any body of water near you. Composting sounds fascinating, but could be expensive.
Second, no funeral. Nobody should spend a dime on travel or lose a day for my sake. Do something fun or enjoyable instead. Have a party. Make jokes about me. Whatever. Mostly, please don't make a big deal about it.
Move on, do something nice for somebody alive. Adopt a rescue dog! Feed a gold fish. Cook a ribeye steak. Read a book. Enjoy living. I'm gone. So be it. Peace.
Terramation and cremation run about the same, according to Google. If I were cremated, the ocean sounds like a good idea as does my garden. Cheers to your choices, and I'm happy that you've already made them.
Such wonderful expressions about a topic we don't talk about much in our culture. I had never thought about terramation for myself but am thinking about it after your post. My father died when I was 16 and that jolt to my sense of reality put me in a very different place about death and dying than most people around me. I like what Alexander says about transitions; I've long believed we are here to evolve, were somewhere before this, and have somewhere else important to go after we have finished the assignment here. Thanks for your writing, Ilona.
Yes, I think along those same lines, Niki. I don't think the story's over after we die, and I'm open to all the beautiful possibilities.
Ilona, I loved this. Our (America/Western?) view of death is so different than other parts of the world. Grief is complicated but why should we wait until someone is gone to celebrate them? I saw a movie once where the mom was dying and wanted a party with all her close friends and family to do the things she liked while she was living. People could dance, sing, tell stories about her while she sat on a little ‘throne’. It was a celebration of the person she was -living! I thought it was interesting. A friend is finishing school to be a death doula-also interesting-to help people navigate through the death cycle. Not to make it scary or sad, but to approach it with compassion and love. I also think that is interesting! One last thing-you mention holistic cremation. We had hotel guests that were the first people to start a conservation burial and preserve. It also is an interesting concept that takes into account land preservation and dignified burial. Also interesting! I wrote about it and you can check out more here:
https://www.conservationburialalliance.org/ramsey_creek_preserve.html
I've heard of those parties while the person is still here, and I'm all for it! I would do the same thing if I had a terminal illness. I checked out the link. Are you the author of the article about the Ramsey Creek preserve? It sounds lovely and something I'd be interested in, especially if there was one near here.
I also would have a party like that if I had a terminal illness! I did not write that article but Dr Billy and his wife Kimberley were guests at the hotel. I wrote about them in my piece here. Amazing people. Something to consider-but not all states allow this type of burial (figures!).
https://whatanadventure.substack.com/p/the-doctors?r=36r4zx
Thank you for re-sharing. I hope my readers will check that link out.
You have some great ideas here. Your husband sounds like a hoot! There is nothing like laughing through tears. I better get to thinking about what I want...I'm certainly not getting any younger.
Yeah he’s a hoot alright.😂😂😂 I view handling my death as a means of trying to take care of my loved ones while living and to extend that out a bit more by making my wishes known afterwards.
I want to heart every sentence in this post! And thank you for the shout out. My lil obituary project is the most fun (and meaningful) thing I've ever done. Also I'm dying to know what magic trick your husband could do at a funeral. The prank aisle is my first stop at any magic or toy or Spencer-type shop. Give me a good fake dog poop any day.
Hi Mary! Thank you for your kind words. I love your TikTok videos and was happy to find you here. My husband invented a trick where he makes small objects disappear in the blink of an eye (he said he'd teach you the trick, too). You'd be thrilled by the amount of fake poop, vomit, and snot we have here. Maybe you two are related?
My dad owned and operated a monument company in a small town upstate New York. Growing up, we developed a light attitude towards death. He was a pall bearer for many funerals, helped grieving families choose the monument or marker to place as a remembrance of their loved one’s final resting place.
We dealt with death with humor.
When Mom died and we were in the funeral home’s car going to the cemetery, Dad said,
“Kids - don’t go to all this trouble when I die. Just give me a wooden box strong enough to keep the dirt out and use a beer keg for a marker.”
As we all laughed, the driver had no idea what to think!
I commend your husband!
Hi Marylee! Your comment reminds me of a Netflix series called "Six Feet Under." Have you seen it? It's a great, great show. The family on the show runs a funeral home, so they also have a light attitude about death. I think when death stares you in the face daily, you don't have much choice but to have a sense of humor about it or it will bowl you over.
Very thought-provoking piece, Ilona. Having been raised in a predominantly Italian Catholic family, I was taken to many wakes and funerals as a child. I knew as an adult what I did NOT want from these experiences. Both my husband and I agree on cremation and have fully planned our entire end. I have been compiling my music play list for our celebration of life, because that’s what the gathering will be… celebrating the love and joy we experiencing throughout our life with those we touched. I’m also a retired RN, so I have chosen my exit very carefully. Sometimes we remember to plan the funeral, but forget to plan what happens right before.
I'm intrigued by your exit planning. I'd love to know more details if you're comfortable sharing them.
I have a very clearly written living will (advanced directive) executed by my attorney. It states specifically what I want under certain medical situations such as brain death, intubation, prolonged treatments, tube feeding, etc. End of life care is also addressed. I am a big proponent of Death with Dignity movement but presently, it has not passed in NY state. Until it does, I will use hospice as soon as my conditions (I have many medical conditions) warrant it. Peaceful passing is more important to me than aggressive treatment. I saw too many patients go through horrific treatment options, in an attempt to continue to live. Their quality of life was miserable, with no hope for improving. I will stop all treatment before I get to that point and peacefully enjoy my exit with good pain control. I have no fear of death. I had a near death experience when I delivered my son 39 years ago. It was a life altering experience.
I have drawn up something similar. I live in NJ and I’m pretty sure Death with Dignity is legal here. I intend to fully employ it if the opportunity arises.
NJ does have Death with Dignity. If that will be your plan, be sure to execute in advance. You also must be cognitively intact to utilize it. Let’s hope we all go out that way, but not a given. I am hopeful NY will pass soon but I always have a plan B.
Great piece, as always. I'm now trying to figure out how I can collect royalties on my fake parking ticket idea...it's a winner!
You’re winning because you have me as your wife. That is all.
Interesting timing, Illona. Recently, another writer recommended the book "Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul" by Stephen Jenkinson. I initially took a copy out from the library because I didn't know how I'd respond and whether or not I wanted a book about dying lying around my house. It's not an easy read, though it's a powerful and beautifully written book that urges the reader to ask themselves how they want to die. It's more about the process of dying than what we desire after the big event occurs. Warning - it's not a beach read. But it feels so relevant, not only because of my age, but also because of this crazy time we live in. So, I purchased a copy and am giving it a second read.
I will check it out. The reviews sound interesting and support what you’ve said. Thank you, Paulette, for the recommendation 🩵
If you do decide to read it, Ilona, we'll have to circle back around.
Your sentiments are well expressed here, Ilona, particularly your thoughts about the Kaddish tradition in Judaism. While this prayer/blessing is normally thought of as a prayer for those who have passed, it is also a prayer and celebration of life and the continuing life cycle. Though each religious system offers valuable and or spiritual words and means of memorializing a deceased one, I would add that such words,though they may be offered with sincere intent, are soon forgotten much like the words of a formal obituary glanced at in a newspaper or online. What remains for me is an idea best expressed by the poet Maya Angelou:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~ Maya Angelou ~
ps. in my own view, I like to believe that death is but a doorway through which one passes into another mode of existence that is prescribed for the further development of what we like to call our souls.
https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/xl4an2aufxpel0fh9b62z/Kaddish.jpg?rlkey=iqxpqt0oqunvghvbz9luhujw4&st=7izi7pyn&dl=0
I've been to a few of my friends ' Shivas, and the words they recite are read in Hebrew, so I never understand the meaning, but I feel the intent. I clicked on the Dropbox link and saw the traditional sort of prayer you are referencing.
I agree with you that death is a doorway, and I'm open to whatever that is.
Your sentiments are well expressed here, Ilona. Although each religious system offers valuable and or spiritual words and means of memorializing a deceased one, I would add that such words though they may be offered with sincere intent, are soon forgotten much like a formal obituary glanced at in a newspaper or online. What remains is an idea best expressed by the poet Maya Angelou:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~ Maya Angelou ~
That quote drives the message home. I wonder if it's too much to expect people to feel uplifted and at peace after attending the service of a loved one. I appreciate your thoughts on this, Ilene.
Perhaps it’s too much to expect a person to feel the way we think they should after the death of a friend or a loved one because we have no jurisdiction over anyone’s feelings but are own. Still, however we felt about a person in life, I believe that they remain alive in some form each time we remember or speak of them.
Since planning my mother’s funeral several years ago, my own arrangements have been on my mind. I didn’t want hers to be traditional and it wasn’t, to the dismay of her older friends and some relatives still alive. But my feeling was that her goodbye was ultimately for her immediate family and we included them in the non traditional ceremony. No clergy, no religious music, no traditional prayers. We chose music she enjoyed from the 50’s and toward the end of her life. My brother and I talked about her life, my daughter, recited a David Whyte poem, my niece told grandma stories and other stories came up from those attending. It was relaxed, somber but grateful that she was a part of our lives. We buried her ashes alongside my dad and each grandchild recited a line from another poem. It was simple and beautiful.
For me, I think about how cool it would be to have a huge bonfire of all the art I created that would still be left in my home. I would have an offer where friends and family could choose a piece or two first, the rest would be sent as ashes into the sky or maybe those ashes could be added to my own. Some initial thoughts.
Thanks for this piece. It’s good to ponder how we wish to leave this physical world.
My parents' deaths in the last ten years have gotten me thinking. Their services were traditional, and because of our strained relationships, it was a difficult time for me to memorialize them.
I love how thoughtful your service was for your mom and how the grandkids were a part of it. I also like the bonfire idea. It's symbolic and warm, and has all the feels, although it would be interesting to hear what your family thinks.